OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- kookie955
- New member
Offline 
Bisexual husband
My husband of 18 years came out to me 6 months ago that he's bisexual. We have a 15 year old daughter, that we both want to protect from this. We decided to try have an open relationship so that he could "have his needs met". He told me Monday that he thinks his attraction to men is getting more and his attraction to me as a woman are getting less. We are not in a position financially to make a part, at the moment, I just really don't know what to do.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's so sad and confusing to be in a place where you can't change things, and you can't move on.
Is there no way possible to do a split? Like selling the home, liquidating some savings, etc.? It's not an option most people like to think about, but is it a possibility at ALL? Does he have someone that he can go live with? A friend or relative? It's really not fair of him to need to go outside of the marriage for satisfaction, but expect you to just deal with that every day. I realize that even if you separated, he'd still be going outside the marriage. But not being in a position where you need to actively witness it is completely different than sitting in the house like a slave to his desires, being required to act like this is no big deal. It's a BIG.DEAL.
Keep posting. It helps to write it all out - it helps to organize your thoughts.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
Welcome kookie,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is definitely not what you signed up for and you deserve better.
Have you wondered yet if he's really "Bi" or if he's actually gay and has used the term Bi and a way to transition toward the truth without showing that he has lied to you?
A lot of people try an open marriage and some find success in that. If this it the way you chose to go I wish you the best of luck. We have some members here in the same boat. I know there are some resources online to help.
Please take care of yourself. This is often the most stressful event in a person's life (marital problems, divorce, etc..). Be kind to yourself. Ask for help, find support with friends/family, seek a therapist, if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, lack of sleep go see a Dr. If he's sleeping around you need to stop having sex with him. Don't open yourself up to STD's or AIDS.
Keep sharing here.. we are here for you. There are many ladies on this forum who have bi husbands and open relationships and will understand exactly how you feel.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Lena
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
Hi Kookie,
Welcome and sorry you found yourself here.
I agree with Kel & Phoenix, it is not fair to you to be put in this position.
As you wrote you will try an open marriage to meet his needs.
Do not forget that YOU are important in this mess too.
Ask yourself what are your needs? What do you want from your marriage?
Do you want this type of relationship? Wondering what your husband is doing and with who?
Do you think open marriage will work for you? The tension with it and constant betrayls? Do you think all of this will be better for your daughter and you instead of split?
Do you think you can be with him intimetly after learning the truth?
I think you have to decide what is best for you as you see he already decided for himself. You have no obligation to do what he wants or offers you if you are not ok with it. This is not what you signed up for when you married him. Unless you feel comfortable with that offered option.
I hope you will find your peace.
Last edited by Lena (August 23, 2017 12:45 pm)
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
I feel as though some st8 spouses give in to the open marriage option because they feel it is their ONLY option for keeping their marriage. Their partner has told them that they have needs that aren't being met, and they feel that in order to save the marriage, they need to allow that need to be met. But...... that's just not true. I'd encourage anyone in that position to flip it around - if monogamy is a need for YOU, and you entered into the marriage under those terms, then you CAN say, "No - this isn't an option for me. MY needs include monogamy." So then you're at a stalemate. And your partner - who committed to you and committed to monogamy - needs to make a decision. Are getting those needs met more important than the marriage to them? If so, then they walk. If not, they they stay and know the boundaries. (I'm not insinuating that they'll respect said boundaries, though.) I think a lot of the time it's thrown into the st8 spouse's lap - as though the decisions rests on their actions - they either agree to have their partner's needs met, or it means the loss of the relationship. But that puts the st8 spouse in the hot seat, and leaves them feeling responsible for whether or not they want to save the marriage. When in reality, it's the Gay In Denial (GID) spouse who should really be in the hot seat. Can they stay faithful despite their desires? If not, then they need to walk. Then it'd be on the GID spouse to be honest with themselves about meeting their st8 spouse's needs.
I just can't stand how the st8 spouse so often has to wear the yoke of responsibility, decision, and sacrifice for the marriage. Where is the GID spouse's sacrifice in this???
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
Lena wrote:
I think you have to decide what is best for you as you see he already decided for himself. You have no obligation to do what he wants or offers you if you are not ok with it. This is not what you signed up for when you married him. Unless you feel comfortable with that offered option.
I hope you will find your peace.
This is such great advice! Lena is so right.. he has already chosen selfishness and put his needs ahead of yours. You need to consider your own happiness and your own needs. If you don't it will kill you from the inside out.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual husband
Several years ago my man and I tried an open r'ship. All was good, we were both into it....it was exciting, adventurous....when we were doing it together, even when we weren't together because I trusted him implicitly. If your husband has bisexual urges Kookie...there may come a time when you feel marginalised & forgotten, as your husband separates his loyalty to you and the desires he has for male touch.
If I could have had the ability to know how that was going to feel...before it happened to me....I would NEVER have agreed
KIA KAHA