So,.... what would happen if you went back and told him that you were no longer interested in maintaining an open relationship?  Have you already tried?

Or..... what would happen if you drew boundaries around what you are and are not comfortable with?  Such as.... very specific limitations on how often sex can be had outside the marriage (like once a month), and no interaction outside of making arrangements for sex ahead of time?  That you do not use anyone outside the marriage for anything related to a sounding board.  And that you both always, ALWAYS use condoms outside of your own bedroom?  This should be started with testing to start with, and then the promised use of condoms.

How did you react when you found out about the lack of condom use?  How did he react to your reaction?

Opening up the marriage to outside sex partners should be done when it's a benefit to the marriage, and of no threat to it (I could never figure out when that'd be, which is why I don't ever advocate it).  But if he's literally putting your life in danger from unprotected, dangerous sex, then it is NOT of benefit to you, or the marriage.  If he's chatting with other women, it's not in any way of any benefit to you or the marriage.  That stuff needs to stop ASAP for the rest of it to even be negotiatable.

After you confronted him about emotionally withdrawing, did things change?  Did he try for a while to act different?  Did it last?

Kel

Kel wrote:

I wasn't asking so you'd pull your head out of the sand.....'Kel

 

So,.... what are you truly hoping for? I can't hope, expect to trust, detach myself or decide what road to take  til I reach a point *in myself* when I understand completely what he wants. And if he can't decide.....when I've reached 
the "I give up" moment
what is your ideal situation at this point? Me, my partner, nobody else
 

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:29 pm)

Ellexoh,

Your husband is already out of your marriage. He's simply manipulating you to limit what he imagines will be a really terrible breakup of a long term marriage with a nasty divorce. I tried to endure it for 46 years and it ended up the same. Horrendous pain. Mine wanted me to look the other way while he dated and had sex with all kinds of women and then men for years. I was his meal ticket, gardener, nanny and the woman who took care of him when he was very ill.  I finally threw him out. His bed ended up on the front lawn of my million dollar home in March of 2016 put there by me experiencing an adrenalin rush. I added his crapped up Jockey shorts from his Gay hookups on Craig's list. The neighbors all saw it. My divorce (after almost 50 years of being with him) will be final in late Dec of this year. Don't wait. Take control of your own future and life. This isn't something you can work on and alter.  According to what I researched decades ago and then got confirmation of from therapists, there is NO CHANCE of having it work. Virtually none. You have already lost 32 years. Don't waist anymore of your life. One of the things I choke on daily in fits of anger is why someone like me would wait all these years when I knew what he was. He wasn't a husband to me on ANY level. He was completely detached. I was the wrong gender for him to BE interested. He cheated with women first and I thought he was BI but then he finally came out as Gay. That's typical. It's a transitional attempt to switch from their wife to the gender they are actually interested in. 

All of us can see what your situation is. We've lived it. We don't come from a place of harsh opinions or judgment. We simply want to spare you the extended heartache. You'll end up at the same place. I'm sorry you have spent 32 years with him. I know exactly how you feel only I waited even longer. Don't follow my example. Throw him out and get on with your valuable life. The ONLY power you have left is to take back your life and step out of this mess.

One last very important thing. Make sure when he's out and gone you get tested for STD's. That was a dark day for me but necessary. I sobbed when I asked the doctor to do it at the age of 66 years old and never having opted for any kind of lifestyle that would warrant me getting tested.

I wish you well.

Last edited by Judy (August 29, 2017 5:16 am)

I think we need to spread out the power and wealth of experience with more posters. It's gotten down to a handful of regulars that are too busy patting each other on the back to notice there are new people that are so obviously at the beginning stages of this kind of event and they aren't here to experience a mutual admiration society.  I'm bringing this up because it's now everywhere and after being gone for a few months, I can see it's a big prob. 

Let's get back to the enormous amount of valuable information and kick the ego to the curb.