very sorry to hear your story but you have found the right place.  we know how awful it feels because we have similar stories.  you need to be kind to yourself at all times. 

there is no fixing it.  and there is no ignoring it, once you know you know and there is this toxic emotions element to it.  becomes unbearable.  look after yourself.

I managed to get a divorce and have been living alone for nearly three years now.  I wouldn't want to be back with him in a million years, even on my worst days.  

Keep looking after yourself, it will get better, look for friends and people who will support you.  wishing you all the best, hugs, Lily

Last edited by lily (July 25, 2016 8:01 pm)

Hi Londongal,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  You're in the right place for support and honest feedback.

So what do you want to do?  Your last sentence says, "I don't know how to fix this".  You can't, hon.  "Fix" to most of (at the stage you're at) means that we want The Gay Thing (TGT) to go away and our lives to resume on the path we envisioned it to be on all along - before discovering TGT.  I realize why you'd hope this.  But at this point, do you have any hope that can happen?  It's entirely reasonable to feel sad, upset, defeated and in mourning for what you've lost.  You don't know how to move forward because none of the options are something that you want.  That being said, what do you think a reasonable expectation is for the relationship?

They all lie about it when we first find out.  It's easier in other situations, where there isn't proof that they've actually been cheating.  But in your situation, you have the coffin, the nails, and a good strong hammer.  He cannot deny what he's been doing.  Even if he does, you know in your heart that you know the truth.  And you know that he wants you to "get over" the fact that he's been cheating on you actively for years.  Get OVER it?  How are you supposed to get over something like that - especially when he's still DOING it???  What he's doing is acting like YOU are the one that has the problem.  He knows that it's not acceptable to actively cheat and have you be okay with it.  So he says it's all in the past, and then puts you in the position of needing to forgive and forget in order for him to continue to stay in the relationship.  He's using the only thing he can - your heart.  He's holding your heart hostage - knowing that what you really want is for things to go back to what you want them to be.  He knows you want to keep him (but only if he's not cheating), so he announces that he'll behave, and then puts YOU in the hot seat.  He figures if you think he'll only stay with you if YOU behave (when it's actually the other way around), then he can get you to DO that because he knows what you want in your heart of hearts.

The issue isn't what you want.  He knows what you want.  The issue is what he's capable and willing to do for YOU.  Is he even capable of stopping this?  Likely not.  Which means it's a losing game.  And if he IS able to stop?  Well, then that just means that he's CHOSEN to not stop, despite the fact that it hurts you and he COULD stop.  Which is, frankly, WORSE.  You're in a no-win situation.  You're with someone unable or unwilling to be faithful to and honest with you.  Someone who will hurt you and then blame it on YOU if you "can't get over it".  Does ANY of the above sound reasonable to you???

If I had to guess, I'd say that part of you really likes your life together - the one with the great vacations and the nice house and the family you've built (you don't mention if you have kids together, but I'm assuming you do).  But that's all very hollow if you don't have his heart.  You can do those things with a perfect stranger.  No one just wants the home and the vacations - they want it with someone they love, and who loves them.  And honestly, you don't have that right now.  You haven't for a long time.  But he knows how much you love that life when things are sailing along smoothly.  So he plays the part, hoping that it'll be enough for you.  Is it enough for you?  You're living with a man you love, but who honestly doesn't love YOU.  That seems unfair to say if I don't personally know you.  But is ANY of what he's doing loving?  He's doing what he wants, despite the fact that it's wrong and he knows how badly it hurts you.  Is that something that someone who loves another person does???  Is that something that even a friend does?  No.  No it's not.

If you continue on the path you're on - the one where it's up to you to "get over" his poor behavior - then all you've done is confirm that he can continue doing what he wants to - because you're effectively going to forgive him and life will go back to what he wants.  The life where he has a loving wife, a nice home, vacations, etc. - AND he gets to f*ck men.  If you catch him, it'll be hell for a bit.  But that's okay - because so far, there's a 100% chance that it'll go away.  All he has to do is threaten to leave you if you don't treat the situation as if nothing happened.  Well, call his bluff.  Tell him that that you CAN'T "get over" it, you WON'T "get over" it, and he's either going to have to live with that or leave.  See what happens.  You'll see some major anger and/or backpeddling.  He may even leave just to strike more fear into your heart.  He will only stay if you don't say anything about his poor behavior?  WTF is THAT?

I wish you the best.  I know this is so hard. 

Kel

Londongal, I just reread your post and I want to add that it reminded me of the end of my sex life with my ex.  I was in my early 40's and we'd had one of those pretend sex things (no ejaculation but I wasn't supposed to notice that) and I was getting my treat (he'd let me lie next to him with his arm round me) and I started crying.

That does it, he said turning away onto his side, that's the last time we have sex.  I'm not having sex with you if you cry.

I didn't realise it at the time, but that was emotionally abusive of him.  I have realised since that all the time I felt so grateful to him for putting up with me what he was actually doing to me was psychologically abusive.  I had every right to expect affection from the man who professed to love me.  Easy to see now but I didn't see it at the time it was happening.  And I had every right to expect to have an honest and intimate conversation with the man who wanted to be my partner in life.  He had no right to dodge giving me answers - he never loved me enough to care about what I needed at any time ever.

Hi, I've had a similar experience to your story. The lying and deception about their real activities doesn't stop. My ex-husband was really good at knowing how to control me and convince me (good salesperson). Whenever I had doubts about his life (I at first suspected an affair with a woman), he had every angle covered and convinced me that I was the 'crazy' one. The lying is so deep that it's tough to unravel. I did however get some answers on fb when I found some of his messages in the archives. (he didn't realize that they are not permanently deleted).
Basically everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie. Once you can accept that, you can move on. A good counselor (with experience on helping straight spouses), my counselor happens to be gay as well and was able to offer me insight into a world I knew nothing about, will help you deal with the fall out of your marriage. 

Lily, what you wrote is touching! Yes, when someone promises to love and cherish and be true to us, it's not too much to ask for honesty, care, attention, and even sex. I'm beginning to see that having my wife file for divorce is really a favor for me, to end the abuse and denial and pretense. I've given her 13 years to see if she would truly love me, and the answer is NO. OK, I'm out, see ya! That's enough of that!