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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:22 pm)

OOHC, Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you take the next steps on your journey to your new life. So glad you have your mom walking with you.
Hugs.

OMG Kel I loved your story! It gave me hope! You are a great writer..and could sell your story someday.

I haven't been on here for over a week.  I wasn't getting email notifications so I didn't even know all this was posted.  Thank you to all who posted here to help me.  So.....this has been an awful week.  Last week at therapy I brought up the question of my husband's sexuality.  I had told our therapist that I wanted to do this.  When I asked if he was gay he denied it.  I told him I thought him being gay was "the secret" that he has.  He said "the secret" is the opposite of that.  You should have seen the therapists face!  After therapy, standing in the parking lot my husband said yes, there is a secret, but I can't tell you.  I left in tears.  That night he acted as if nothing happened.  The next night we had an in depth discussion about everything going on in our lives.  No sex.  My worries about a "secret".  He made it sound like there was something he was hiding.  At one point as I was talking in a totally normal voice in our home he gritted his teeth and leaned into  me and said "God Dammit, keep your voice down".  He was back to thinking our house was bugged or something.  The next day he told me sorry, and still said there was something he couldn't tell me.  By Sunday he had changed his story and none of it was true.  He said issue was he is "a fraud" and that was the secret.  I went to my therapist Tuesday and she said this not an emotionally stable situation and that I needed to take action.  I decided to say to him that he is either very mentally ill or there is an actual secret and I couldn't be in this house with him anymore and feel safe.  That I needed him to leave.  I had this conversation with him and he finally admitted that he is gay.  So I guess I'm not "still wondering".  Funny thing is I have heard so many lies and untruths that I wondered if the admission to being gay was a cover for something worse.  I am that paranoid now.  I trust him that little.  In that conversation I broke down and bawled.  I said "you married me".  How could you do that.  He kind of took it back and said he's "confused", he's not sure if he's gay.....I am, however, done.  I've really been done for awhile.  I knew this was it.  I can't believe he's lied about it.  Today he said he thinks he is gay, but is still unsure.  I think he wants me to hang on to some hope, but I am done.  I don't want to stay with someone who has admitted this.  I think him saying he is confused is a way to keep me hanging on.  I think we are going to talk to our girls Friday night.  They start school tomorrow so I wanted to wait.  We are not going to say he is gay.  Just that he is moving out.  The hardest part is he wants me to keep quiet right now.  I can't talk to anyone and I so want to.  My girls had orientation at school today and I'm in a daze thinking - this is happening to me and I can't talk to anyone about it.  Crazy thing is our couples therapist called me yesterday and said that based on what we talked about last week (which was mainly that he said the secret is the opposite of what you said -gay) she wants to see him by himself this week.  He is supposed to go, but keeps saying he may cancel.  If he cancels I will go.  I don't even know what to do at this point.  I am upset and mad (my whole life seems like a lie), but I also have some empathy for him because I know it was hard to admit.  I am also a little bit grateful he had the courage to admit it (even though it hurts like hell).  It's weird that I kind of wanted this admission so I could stop questioning, but now that it is here, it hurts like hell.  He's even acting like somehow we can work this out, but I am done.  I don't want to be married to someone to be his cover/beard.  I need strength to tell him I'm done.  This was a deal breaker.

Josie,

So sorry...but I think your gut told you this was it.  I will say my gay exs behavior was erratic also.. quick to anger. Paranoid. .so TGT can make them behave quite irrationally.

If I could add perspective...he is gay. ..a straight guy does not say that as an excuse to anything..so now you know.  And you can see there are no take backs..there is nothing he can say to make it untrue now. 

Please consider if the therapy with him is helping or hurting you...you need to take care of you and the kids..you don't need therapy with him to give you stress and more grief..you have enough of that.   Definitely go to therapy alone for yourself. 

A warm authentic hug (no secrets)..just sincere comfort and well wishes.