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August 9, 2017 10:44 pm  #1

Not sure

OK ... I'm smart enough to know an affinity to gay porn doesn't necessarily mean my spouse is gay. But it definitely supports the vibe that so many people have about him. I started to wonder years ago ... just little subtleties. But nothing more. Shortly after we were married, nearly 19 years ago, someone who previously worked with my husband, and coincidentally knew my mom, told her she was surprised he got married as she always thought he was gay. I laughed it off as he is a bit effeminate.

Throughout the years he would sometimes be downstairs at his computer until 4 in the morning doing Lord knows what. And then I wondered. But I respected his privacy and didn't care much as it was a non issue for me. I'm not so insecure that I cared at first.

But in the past 4 years or so, my mother, brother and sister-in-law - separately and completely unsolicited - said they always thought he was gay. So I decided to check his history (he doesn't have a password protected PC) and there were gay porn sites.

So one day during an argument I blurted, "And don't think I don't know about the gay porn sites you vist."  Most people would have played dumb, instead he didnt say anything. Instead he mulled it around for 3 days and then came up with a lame excuse that I didn't buy. He has been underemployed for years, so who knows what the heck he does during the day when no one is home. But at night he stays put.

Fast forward and my oldest daughter confessed to me out of the blue her friends, including those who are members of the LGBTQ comm., think he is gay. It's just the vibe they get. And then she confessed she thinks he is gay, too.

Of course he clears his history and empties the recycle bin, but I still check and periodically gay sites pop up. In fact, there is a 10 min. video he doenoaded frim a site in the recycle bin. So, it's safe to say it's not curiosity as the gay porn has been going on for years.

BTW ... he never used his tongue when kissing and sex was never great and always mechanical with him. Over the years I grew bored with it. But I always thought it odd that he would roll over and go to bed after sex, and we were newly married at the time. I just coughed it up that I was much more sexual than him. Ober the years it became less and less. 

I never flag anything with text, but he went on a work trip recently. And i found out he ventured to Eastern Europe while in the UK because there was a text in an app. And he invited some guy he knows from there to tan. I'm sorry, who the heck uses the word tan. Get some sun, catch some rays ... But tan? I digress.

In any event, none of this is proof. Just simply a hunch. Your thoughts.

Thank you. That was cathartic!


August 9, 2017 11:12 pm  #2

Re: Not sure

In my humble opinion an "affinity" to gay porn certainly suggests he is not completely straight. Straight men have no interest in seeing gay porn. The late night browsing along with covering up the tracks is a big red flag. Why do all that if you have nothing to hide? Finally side-tripping to Eastern Europe to go tan with some guy? Again this is not the typical behaviour of a straight guy. Sorry to say this but our hunches are often correct. Our hearts and our fears make us doubt what it says.

And yes, it can be cathartic. Please feel free to keep thinking out loud here. We know what this journey is like.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

August 10, 2017 8:19 am  #3

Re: Not sure

I agree completely with Daryl. 

-Straight men don't view gay porn.  It doesn't interest them.. in fact it grosses them out.  He's been doing it for years and trying to hide his tracks. 
-So many people in your life telling you that they think he is gay is not coincidence.  It's also not something that a person says by chance or in passing.  That takes some courage to tell someone something that could devastate their life. 
-Poor sex life..  no passion.  It's just mechanical. 
-A liaison to Eastern Europe with a guy to "tan"?   come on!

Given that evidence I have no doubt that your husband is gay.   I'm sorry!

I'm glad you found it cathartic to type that out.  It's so helpful to be able to share your thoughts and questions and pain with people who understand.   Please continue to share.  We are here to support you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


August 10, 2017 12:13 pm  #4

Re: Not sure

The clinical term is "cognitive dissonance"...  where we explain away the bad things we see..really something like this is so horrible that we don't want to believe it.    I did it for awhile but  soon found myself snooping like you.
It is a horrible feeling...I was like "what am I doing..why do I have to do this...is this the way someone that loves me is supposed to act?"...

But here your gut/instincts/bones ..call it what you will.. is telling you he's up to no good.     These spouses don't get it...  if he views gay porn and  now says he's going to meet a buddy for a beer...is it a date or 2 friends getting together?    Why should you have to wonder?     The distrust will eat you up.

No..  straight guys do not view gay porn...eww..yuck.. If you put a gun to my head I would not want to see it.

So sorry... but this is not your fault..you're not crazy and not imagining things.  One needs to live in reality. Please start building a support system and don't beat yourself up about this..   it is all them.

A sincere e-hug.

Last edited by Rob (August 10, 2017 12:15 pm)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

August 10, 2017 6:13 pm  #5

Re: Not sure

I like men, and even Iiiiii don't want to see two of them together.  Why would someone who doesn't find men attractive want to see them naked and acting gay?  They wouldn't.  People have this notion that liking gay porn doesn't mean anything.  It DOES.  It means you like men.  It doesn't  necessarily mean you'll DO anything with that desire, but YES - it sure as hell does mean you like men.  Straight guys don't want to be touched by another man.  Ew.

Who the hell invites someone to "go tan" with them?  Heck, what straight, married man goes tanning?  Hell, they barely worry about their beer bellies, much less whether their skin is golden enough!  You know who DOES worry about that sort of thing?  Gay men.  Gay men who want to meet up.  To DO things.  They aren't just sitting around, talking.  That's just how the encounter starts.  Rarely will a man ask a new woman if she wants to get together to have sex.  He'll ask her for coffee, or dinner.  He might try to start pushing for sex after that, if he likes her and thinks he stands a chance.  When it's a male/female combo, the man is pursuing, and woman is holding him at bay or retreating.  When it's two men, BOTH of them are pursuing.  Give them an hour and they've met and are already done.

The bottom line isn't whether other people think your effeminate husband is gay or not.  It's not even about whether he's fully gay or just bi.  It's about whether or not you're happy, and whether or not you feel that it can and will likely change.  If you've not been having good sex for years, and even that was mechanical, that's not fulfilling.  If he stays up until looking at ANY kind of porn until 4 am, that's not good.  If it's gay porn, that's even worse.  If he's clearing his history and then emptying his recycling bin, then he's very obviously hiding stuff he feels he shouldn't be doing.  And if you're not happy, make some change toward making that better.  You do NOT need evidence or him admitting he's gay or has cheated in order to want to no longer stay in the relationship.  Are you happy?  If not, start there.  I'll bet if you told him you are unhappy and what you'd like to see changed in order to be happy - like coming to bed with you each night, or surfing while in bed (with a laptop), or letting you have access to his history, he'll balk.  Because he has NO intention of changing those things.  Even if he says he wants to stay and swears it's only you he wants, the proof's in the pudding, as they say.  And his pudding looks awfully gay.


Last edited by Kel (August 10, 2017 6:15 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

August 10, 2017 9:42 pm  #6

Re: Not sure

Hey there. Seriously, guys, thanks a bunch. I appreciate the candid feedback. I'm an extremely smart woman who just didn't want to readily accept it. Truthfully, I'm over him and not the least bit upset that he has received me for so long. Learned today he never went on a work trip to England, found his itinerary and he was in Bucharest with who or for what ... well, it really doesn't matter at this point. I guess I didn't want to accept what I already knew for the sake of our 2 teenage girls. But affirmation from complete strangers ... now it seems real. I took time from work to complete the divorce complaint application and looking for an attorney.

I really appreciate you responding. I now feel empowered thanks to the guys I never met.

     Thread Starter

August 11, 2017 7:16 am  #7

Re: Not sure

We yearn so much to find out the truth and somehow when we find it there is nothing by more hurt and pain.  But we need to use that as fuel and motivation to move forward with our lives.  It sounds like you are doing just this.  Moving forward.   Good for you!

Please let us know how we can support you on this journey.  It won't be easy for you and some days will be worse than others.  But you will get through it and there will be better days and years ahead of you. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


August 11, 2017 7:17 am  #8

Re: Not sure

Welcome Enough,
The similarities in so many of our stories is always amazing to me. I pulled the plug on the sinking ship of a 30+ marriage 2.5 years ago, and am healthy and happy. At that point I was over it too, and couldn't run fast enough. Hugs to you as you move forward.


August 15, 2017 11:15 pm  #9

Re: Not sure

Hi there. I'm back. Just need a place to ... I don't know ... vent. I wonder where the heck I've been all these years. I am not in denial at this point, and doing what I can to pull the plug on this. But I am being smart and methodical. I'm not showing my cards.  Working on consulting with an attorney to file for divorce. Though I'm so over him at this point, it's still a hard pill to swallow because I wasted 20 years of my life and I'm now in my early 50s. Now it's time to start working on me, and I have an appt. with a therapist next week.

But the soon to be ex left the house without his phone.I  It never leaves his hand. So I actually found text comm. he had with some guy in eastern europe on an app, with the guy shirtless and [bleep - I'm sure any curse word will do]  telling him how hot he was, so hot it was making him sweat. I went hysterical laughing, almost uncontrollably. Not sure why ... maybe it was a release.

But as relieved as I am, I'm freaking terrified. I literally have to start over again.

And even though I have "proof," I am 100 percent positive he will deny it and make up a lame excuse. And I do care, because he lied to our kids for their entire lives.

And at some point, in the near future, I will tell them, only if he doesn't.

I just want one good night of sleep.

Sorry for the typos.

     Thread Starter

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