I'm going to address the kid thing first because it seems to be your reason for staying.  Let me just say that for some reason, we all think that leaving when the kids are older would be better - easier for them.  It's NOT.  It's harder the older they are.  When they are two and you two separate, they don't know what's going on and they just adjust.  When they're four they're asking questions.  When they're 6 they're trying to understand.  By 8 they're trying to fix it all.  It just gets worse and worse.  The younger the kids, the easier the divorce will be on them.  TRUST me on this one.  There is no time like the present when it comes to leaving.

Now,..... as for the selfish thing - I totally get that.  I remember thinking that, too.  But it's all in how you look at it.  One perspective is this (which is likely how you're looking at it): It's only me that wants the divorce.  He wants to stay together.  Staying together would be better for the kids.  I don't want to put everyone through pain just because I want more sex.  I should just learn to accept what I've got.

Now, here's another perspective entirely: I should not have to be in a marriage without intimacy and kindness.  I've tried, and I cannot fix this.  My husband is only willing to fix it when he loses what HE wants - he's not concerned that I'm unhappy.  This is not the model I want to show my kids for how a healthy marriage should be.  If I go, I may or may not find happiness again.  But if I stay, I am ensured that I won't be happy.  If I stay, I am choosing unhappiness.  And an unhappy mother in a poor marriage is not a good mother to her children.

Let's dissect a bit how your husband's been behaving.  He was cheating on your for years - over half of your marriage, when you found out.  But you forgave him and tried to move forward.  6 months ago, you caught him in a lie.  Instead of trying to gain your trust back, he shut you out completely - physically and emotionally - and wanted to end the relationship because apparently you aren't supposed to try to change his behavior.  That was him trying to scare you into behaving.  Behaving meaning to ignore his wrongdoings and cheating, and drop the subject and future expectations.  He figured you'd get scared (because presumably all you wanted was him), so he threatened to take away the thing you wanted most - him.  Only you didn't back down.  Although not making any advances on you, he tells you that he's still into men.  THAT was to hurt you, too.  If he wants to end the relationship and isn't making any sexual advances to you, then what the hell do you need to know his sexual desires for?  Again, he was trying to panic you.  He was hoping that since bluffing about the divorce didn't work, that maybe putting you in a position where you'd feel some competition might just make you want him back.  That didn't work, either.  So no he's got no other way to get you to want to stay except changing his own behavior.  Which should have been the FIRST thing he did if he wanted you.  Instead, he tried to get you to change (so he could stay the same), and make it look like the divorce was off because that's what you wanted.  Now he's left with only a few options.  He's trying the easy one first - begging you.  Telling you what you wanted to hear all along - that he loves you, that he misses you, that he wants to stop with ending the relationship.  If you say no, he will progress to the last attempt: getting mean.  Threatening to take you to the cleaners with regards to finances.  Threatening to take the kids.  ANYTHING he can to not have to give up his beard.  He will try harder and harder to force the situation until you either do what he wants, or until he sees that it's futile.  It's all a huge fucking LIE.  All he wants is the cover.  If he really loved you, how could he treat you so coldly for SIX MONTHS because you confronted him about something HE did - AGAIN????  That's not love, sweetie.  That's pure selfishness.  And you deserve better.

It's going to get harder.  But once you realize that there is no hope with this person of having what you truly want (kindness, love, desire, intimacy, protection, honesty), then you've come to the crossroad.  It's your choice to fold if you want.  But if that's not what you truly want, then refuse to be defeated - either by the process or him.  You've got what it takes - but it's going to take everything you've got.

Kel

p.s. - I've worked full time for my childrens' entire childhoods.  I spend all evening every evening with them, and weekends.  And it is enough.  Even stay at home moms 2,000 years ago were busy all day long with washing and going to the market and gardening and butchering and making clothing.  At no time in history did mothers feel it was their duty to sit full-time on the floor and play with Junior until recently - in the past 50 years.  It's not necessary.

Kel, thank you for all that. I haven't cancelled divorce & im not going to let myself do that. I've finally come this far for myself. I think he is trying to manipulate me into staying with him, because the closer I get to divorcing him, he knows the closer he will be to losing his beard & having to come out. Sure he loves me in some ways, not the way that I deserve & need tho.  He's struggling to find himself or what he is and in the midst of it all, the worst is his lying & cheating over & over again. I'm still very much hurting, I'm dreading that the worst is probably still yet to come. But you're so right, there is no hope with him, I waited years holding on to hope but it didn't happen.
My daughter is 6, she was asking when daddy's coming home and I told her she'll see him tomorrow. She told me "I want to see him tonite but you don't let daddy stay here anymore". My heart is shattered 10x more at the moment. I don't want her to grow up blaming me for this, it sounds like she already does.

Rob,
  My husband has had it both ways, had his cake & ate it too for atleast 7 yrs. He expects me to repair the marriage by staying & accepting his continued lying & cheating. That's his only way of repairing this. He's barely shown any remorse, besides a text "im sorry". It's funny you mention renewing vows, because about 7months ago we talked about doing that after we sold our home! He mentioned to me few wks ago if we could stay married and maybe have an open marriage or let him get his gay on like once a month. All I could do was laugh! He really must think that low of me, to even think I would consider either of those. But I see why he would come up with that, because I've stayed with him for the past 4 yrs after each time he's done something. It's ridiculous. I've been loyal, faithful to him half my life.
   Rob, do you think if after ur wife cheated on u & told u she was bi but wanted to work it out, would you have taken her back? Knowing what you know now.
  I just wish I would've sought help from here couple years ago, it's really opened my eyes to see that so many couples struggle with this. I've dealt with all this on my own for over 4 yrs till recently.

Last edited by Kt2016 (August 6, 2016 3:22 am)

Kt,

I knew about the cheating etc about 1.5 to 2 years ago.
I tried for about the first 4 month to 5 months to repair things.  Then despair for many months.  I remember the advice here...to get off my ass and stop being stuck.  I think we all gather strength and do things at our own pace.

In hindsight knowing everything I know now..she was planning to leave me.  I should have filed for divorce sooner.  To this day she has admitted nothing.  She got what she wanted..an income from me and a new gay life. 

If you put a gun to my head I would not take her back.  If she begged to be taken back..no..if her lips are moving she's lying.  Her word is worthless.  She is too proud and arrogant to admit any wrong doing.  I don't struggle too  much with this low opinion of her anymore..she hurt me so much..all hurt and abuse..

I think the one thing I FINALLY realized that truly helped me was to see my situation for what it actually was - abusive.  The push and pull and constant leave, don't leave, I'm sorries, yet continuing the same behavior is emotional abuse.  At some point you have to be strong enough to decide when enough is enough and stick to your guns. I'm sorry doesn't take away past hurt. We should focus on their actions, not their words.

Sadly, the truth of your situation is like mine, he cheated and lied for over half the relationship. That's not love, it's abusive, especially when he tries to manipulate you with "I'm sorry," "I love you," etc. It's a big mind game.  Don't get me wrong, he probably does love you, but it's in his own way and it's not what you deserve. 

The pain that comes with leaving is tremendous, but it is much better than staying and enduring the same pain over and over again. They don't change, especially if he's already been doing this for over half your relationship, secretly.  

I'm sorry you're going through this miserable, horrific pain because he chose to be selfish, but I completely understand because I've gone through the same. My partner never changed, no matter how remorseful he seemed. All his "I'm sorrys," "I love yous," and "I can't live without yous" only caused me to stay in a toxic relationship, prolonged my pain, caused me new/different pains, and ruined my self-esteem and self-respect. It was not worth it.  I wish you strength and hope you can look at your situation from a different perspective.