Hi Jen. My take is that if your children have witnessed the emotional and 'low grade' physical abuse that you are suffering in this relationship there is CAUSE ENOUGH for you to get out of the marriage and may be cause enough for your children to support you in that decision.

Children see and sense A LOT more than we realize.

I guess I'm saying that honestly about the root cause is awesome but it sounds like you have other valid reasons for getting out. Reasons your children will likely understand. You might mention the gay thing to the older children or simply say  that you think (know) their father might be unfaithful to you.

If he is a narcissistic abuser type just getting out should be your main goal. Getting out with the least possible drama. The truth about the gay thing can come later once you and your children are at a safe distance from him. Just my opinion.

Please be careful.

Last edited by Steve (July 11, 2017 4:20 pm)

Hi Jen, 

one option is the 'your father has a psychological problem, part of which is he doesn't realise he has one' approach.  it might help if you want to tell any of them anything if they know not to confront him in advance. 

Divorce gets worse until it starts to get better - that point being when the financial settlement is signed off.  Dealing with that was enough, I found it helped not to challenge or confront my ex-gid's denial.

I think trust your instincts as to how to proceed with each of your children.  wishing you all the best, hugs, Lily

My sister is going through a divorce, and most of what the issues were were kept from the children.  They are now 8 & 6.  They didn't see much of their dad's abuse, but just a little bit of it - right before my sister had her ex removed from the home with a restraining order.  That ONE incident with the kids (which was him screaming at them in the car and punching his seat) was enough to convey to them that Daddy wasn't behaving in a good enough way to be around them right now.  Sis said something like, "Remember last week, when Daddy scared you?  Well, he scared Mommy a few days ago, just like that.  And I can't have you guys be around something that scary and unsafe."  They were upset that their dad left, but they DID understand.

Kids understand more than we ever give them credit for.  You don't need to tell them everything in order to tell them enough.  Your kids are old enough to understand that his behavior was inappropriate and deceptive, and that you can't choose to stay with someone who treats you like that.  It's a really good lesson, actually.  It shows them that "love" doesn't behave that way, and love for one's self is important.  And that you will support them in the future in doing things for their own best interest, even if it's unpopular to society.  It's an example of how you need to be able to call love out on its poor behavior and not accept those kinds of acts.

They'll understand.  Trust me.

Kel

I'd have to agree with what's been said here. If he's in denial you can speak the truth about him all day long but it will be flatly denied and reflected back onto you. Speak your truth, whatever that is. Maybe make a list of reasons why you need to divorce. Then take any that read along the lines of "because he....", rewrite it to "because I...." (need, want, feel, deserve etc.) This way you can explain your decision to the kids. I'm sure the older ones are already seeing how difficult relationships can be from what they observe amongst their peers in school. Here's a good reason you can use to plant a seed in their heads.... "Because I can't allow myself to be bribed with gifts and smiles to stay when I know it's not genuine."

Good luck.