OurPath Open Forum
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1 - Scarey
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Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Hi everyone, my husband of 13 years came out last weekend. I'm going through all the feelings everyone else is but I'm also feeling really trapped. I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years. I don't have a great education, I don't have the means to just move out, I don't have a "just in case he's gay fund." He says that he wants to stay and support us but I'm so scared. I was hoping to stay home until our youngest went to school. At this time if I went to work, I would just be paying for daycare. This is the life I always wanted. He gave me everything I ever wanted in life and then yanked the carpet. Anyone else a stay at home mom when they found out?
- Foolme
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Hi Scarey, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I'm not a stay at home now but I was when my children were in school and only got a job around their school times once the youngest started school so my career isn't anything it could have been had I been working throughout our 28+ year marriage. I'm sure there are some on here who are in similar situations to you, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this most horrible of situations, be kind to yourself!
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Scarey
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Thank you for your support Foolme.
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Thread Starter- Scarey
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Thanks jkpeace. Nope, intended user name.
Thank you for your comments. It's so hard to take this one day at a time when my mind is racing. I'm sure everyone can relate. My husband and I started counseling last week. It was super helpful. Thinking we might need more than once a week to start. We are also going to start individual sessions.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Hi Scarey,
Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
As JK said above.. You are in shock and need to take baby steps here.. one breath, one step at a time.
I'll quickly advise you on the future.. but then let's get back to the present, which is more important. About your future.. You will be fine! Assuming you live in the US or Canada, there are laws that require alimony and child support to help you survive. There are ways to work and earn a living inside your home. When you are ready, go find an attorney that offers a low cost or free consultation and start learning the laws of your state. DO NOT move out of the house under any circumstance. You have equal share to all assets and income at the moment. Just take a deep breath.. this is all far too much and it's overwhelming. . But know that there are laws to make sure that you and your children are provided for. You will be fine.. don't stress about it now.. let it get figured out in the future.
I remember having the same feelings you are having.. how am I going to survive this, what will my life look like, how will I support myself and my kids, where will I live??????, etc.. This is completely normal. But I urge you to do your best to put these future worries aside. It's too early to know what twists and turns will come in the future. You have a limited about of strength and stress tolerance right now, so don't waste it on things that you can't figure out right away. Those decisions will need to be made later (and many things will just fall into place), but that can happen later. Just don't burden yourself with stress over things you can't control right now.
You are in your second week?.. You are disoriented and the earth is shaking around you. Take a deep breath and focus on getting through the day. What do you need to take care of today? Handle those things and take care of yourself and your kids. Let yourself handle tomorrow when it comes. After a while the earth will stop shaking..
For now.. go to that councilor. Find a support network (this group is great, but family and close friends are better). If you are religious, seek out support there as well. Visit a Dr and get tested for STD's and if you are having trouble with stress an anxiety and lack of sleep you can get some meds to help take away those harmful symptoms.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Tamiam
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Scarey,
So sorry you find yourself here. We really do get it and really do care.
Tam
- Scarey
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Thank you Phoenix and Tamiam
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Thread Starter- Kel
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Hi Scarey,
I'm sorry you're going through this. The beginning is the hardest - when your mind is reeling and you can't seem to make any choices that will wind up in a good place. It is scary. But you will not starve, and your children will be cared for. Others here are right - your husband does not have to stay in order to support you and the kids financially. And he doesn't need to reside in the home to be a father, either.
If you don't mind me asking, what is the point of the counseling? Is it so you can figure out a way to work through the issues, and keep the marriage? Is it a way to figure out what you both want? Are you being offered as much support as your husband is?
Oftentimes it seems that a) counselors aren't familiar with this kind of marital crisis, or b) are fully on the gay spouse's side when it comes to them "deciding" that they're not gay after all, or that all the support in the marriage should go wholly to the gay partner, and the straight partner is not committed if they don't help the gay partner fulfill their desires. Please don't let yourself fall into that trap. If at any time the counseling feels like it's not supporting you too, then get out and find your own counselor. I'd advise to do that anyway - so you can figure out what YOU want, vs. how the two of you want to meld your wants together and come up with a plan. So often the gay partner knows what they want (everything), and the straight spouse never even begins to investigate how they feel and what they need and what they can and cannot (or won't/will not) do. If left to the the gay spouse, they will often attempt to convince the straight spouse what SHOULD be okay, and that it CAN be allowed as long as they give it a chance and they love each other. That is NOT the truth. Not everything is or should be allowable. If you don't know where you stand (and how could you, at this early point?), then I encourage you to find people (even friends) that you can vent to and explore your feelings. YOU need as much if not more support than he is getting.
Best to you -
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Scrupulous
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Scarey,
I hate that you are in this position. But you're making the first steps in recovery by being here. Take the time to read many posts and esp. the one 'Is He/She gay, questions from admin Sean." He has been such a major help!
Here's some other info I found re financial advice and aid:
Here's a link on disovery and recovery from a good therapist.
However remember your therepy actually started here by asking for help.
Normally I would advise mediation since it's more affordable. (That's where the two parties agree on a legal arrangement, legal separation or divorce without the court being involved.) However under your circumatances, you need to research all and everything according to your rights in your state.
My concern that you mentioned is that he wants to stay and help....
That's a red flag to me. He can stay and help you to feel that you and your children are in a safety position, but are you?
Will he be living his double life on the side putiing you in harms way with STD and there are so many other issues.
But one day at a time for you. You have people here to help.
Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face.
- KM
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Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?
Hi Scarey -
Along with the fireworks of the 4th of July, I got news that my husband was coming out as gay. He is not currently in a relationship (and I am choosing to trust him) but has been struggling with this for some time. To say the least I am heartbroken...I'm finding it hard to breathe each and every day. Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced.
I am in a situation very similar to yours. Married 15, together 20. I do work, but I am a school assistant so I am part-time, paid very little and given an hourly wage. I stayed home with my kids for about 10 years and worked very hard at building a home for our family while my husband travelled for work extensively. I've been single parenting for a long time and I was looking forward to relief as his travel is slowing, and then WHAM! Here I am dealing with this. The thought of having to find myself, of having to start a career and deal with this and supporting my kids through this is overwhelming and scary.
I would like for him to stay, for us to work things out and co-parent together, but he is dead set against it. I just don't know how we will afford for him to move out. One option is for him to stay with family over an hour away - I need help here...I don't have family or many close friends here...he was my best friend.
I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. I am at the stage where 1 person knows and all I want to do is talk about it, cry and scream. We decided to wait to tell family till we speak to a counselor. Having to stay quiet is so difficult. I'm hoping I can get some of my pent up emotions out through this site.