Yes!  Context!  That's the word I've been looking for.  All they see is that there is no reason for your behavior - this is why you're playing right into your GID ex's story of "crazy".  You can't blame your kids for reacting the way they do if they have no idea why things have worked out the way they have.  They have no context.  No reason.  I agree with OutofHisCloset.  You're doing more damage by trying to pretend that everything is ok when clearly it isn't. 

Hello all,
I still haven divulged to my adult children. 
In a tearful exchange last week, my 'child' said that if 'you hadn't  just abandoned Dad' none of us would have to be trying to figure out how to split Holidays with each parent.
I asked whether it was truly believed, that at my age, I would just 'abandon' Dad for no reason.
Child said that child and sibling  had smelled a rat when this all came down, , that they thought that one of us was 'having an affair' and that is why we  split.
Child said that both sibling had confronted father asking whether indeed one of us had been unfaithful.  GAY IN DENIAL EX [WHO"D ADMITTED TO GAY ANONYMOUS SEX- IN FRONT OF TWO THERAPISTS- and admitted he performed sex with MANY MANY STRANGE MEN OVER THE COURSE OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE, but was NOT GAY]- told his children on 5-6 separate occasions that he had NEVER  been unfaithful. This echoes the lies he told to me for decades when there was yet another nasty confrontation-I'd accuse him of having an affair about once a year, due to strange disappearances, secretive nature and he's gaslight the hell out of me and ALWAYS convince me that I was imagining things. Apparently screwing men is not considered 'an affair' or considered 'being unfaithful ' either. 
My response to my childs statement was  that father needed to come clean and that I had honored ALL of my wedding vows and had NEVER been unfaithful since the moment I began to date their father. 
WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ME TO TELL MY ADULT KIDS? 
My other child has now not spoken to me for exactly 2 months and has also moved across the country without saying goodbye. 
This is heartbreak times 100. 
IT also reminds me that I begged my EX at the time of his affairs to just tell me the truth about what was happening, that I needed to know. My child is begging me for the truth and I hold out out of respect for that narcissistic AZZ?
What is wrong with this picture?
I need a final push from you wise people.
I need to do this and am just so stuck! 
Oh and I need to add that GIDXH also threatened to take me to court and have a gag order imposed when I revealed to my attorney during divorce that he was actively screwing men. My attorney managed to avoid me having a gag order. HE IS a 'pillar of the community' you know. HE continues to walk around demanding adoration from his 'inferiors'. Pathetic fraud. 


 

I say tell them and let the chips fall where they may.  At least no one will ever be able to say you didn't tell them, and you didn't try.  It will plant the seed, whether they accept it or not.  They will always know there is another story/side besides their father's.

There is something unique with these adult children and a parent in the closet.  It is important to remember that the adult children have also been gaslit and lied to for decades, just like us.  They probably didn't see it anymore than we did, and it will just have to occur to them whenever it does, if ever, just like it did with us..  The children's relationship with their father has been just as much of a lie as the relationship with the spouse.  I think there are real parallels with the relationships, i.e. the spousal relationship and the parent/child relationship, but that everyone involved finally "gets it" (if ever) in their own way and time.

My adult children do not speak to me, because their father had told them I am crazy, cold, and critical and that is why the marriage failed.  I did tell the one that I have very minimal communication with, but have never heard a word about what I told her, and she remains just as distant as ever.  They might well think it is just more of my "crazy" and an attempt to throw a wrench in the works or whatever, but I know I have done my best.  I think right now my children are seeing me as being crazy and the cause of the divorce in a sort of lesser of evils way.  By that I mean that even though, they don't like the situation as it is, it would be harder right now for them to be more comfortable/secure with the truth.  I think that for them to realize their father is gay and has lied for decades and throughout their lives is harder for them to wrap their heads around right now, than the idea that I am cold, crazy, and critical, if that makes sense.

I think adult children of an "in denial" (yeah, right) gay parent would be just as devastated to learn the truth as any of us are as spouses.  This is their parent for heaven's sake, and that parent was deceptive throughout all their childhood and now is continuing into their adulthood.  

Angry - it is likely that your children will not accept your explanation right now, or ever, but there is really no other solution but to let them know your story.  At least they will have the opportunity then to weigh it against what their father tells them, whether they buy it or not right now.  If you do not tell them, they have no way to even try to understand, much less accept the truth.

I wish I could be more positive and tell you a wonderful success story about having told my own adult children, but I can't.  I can say though, that I did tell them, they cannot say that I never tried, and have I some personal satisfaction in the knowledge that I have done all that I can, and that maybe someday it will all fall into place and make sense to them, and we will be able to be a mother and daughters again.

I do wish you all the best with this - it is just so hard, and no easy answers.

Tell them!

Hi Angry,

I would suggest drilling down into what your fear of telling them is rooted in.  They already blame you.  One already doesn't speak to you.  What horrible thing(s) do you think will happen once you let the truth out?  Are you scared of his reaction to them knowing?  Are you scared of hurting them with the words that reveal the truth to them?

I suggest that you've already gotten the short end of the stick on this one, and that there's not much more to lose by telling them the truth.  He's already tried to brainwash your children (and has been somewhat successful at doing so) .  You have already proclaimed your own innocence and commitment to your vows.  You've already insinuated that you had a reason to exit the marriage.  SOMEone is lying to them at this point - it's either you, or their father.  You have have every right and reason to let them know it's not you.  If they didn't care to know the truth, or it didn't matter to them why the marriage broke up, then it might be pointless to point fingers. But in this case, it seems paramount to your children that they know the truth.  You may see it as them wanting to know what went on within your marriage - which seems like a private thing between you and your ex.  But to your children, your marriage was the basis that the family was built upon.  They want to know why the basis for their identity and foundational beginnings has been fractured.  They want to know that it was for good reason.  They do not want to speculate on why or how - they cannot process this ending without good reason.  And so you should give them that knowledge.

It is possible that your ex does not see himself as having cheated.  It's more likely is that he has decided that he doesn't want to admit to cheating, though.  After all, if what he did wasn't cheating, then he'd have no issue admitting that to his children.  The fact that he wants to hide the truth of what he has done proves that he knows there is shame in it.  You may see it as telling something damning about your ex if you tell your children about his prior actions with regards to the marriage.  And you aren't about that - you aren't about trashing someone else.  But in reality, you're merely speaking history.  In America, we have a horrific history of oppression of the indigenous people.  Not speaking about it doesn't mean that it didn't happen.  Speaking about it doesn't speak it into existence.  It happened - whether it is spoken aloud or not.  The ramifications remain the same.  It is only in knowing the truth that we can understand the past, and try to prevent such things from happening again.  Speaking the truth dignifies history and allows healing, amends and future intentions.

You need to tell your children what happened.  You do not need to do so blow-by-blow, or show them pictures risque picture.  But you owe it to tell them that yes - you wanted to stay married and keep the family intact.  But that once you found out that he was sleeping with random men regularly over the course of years, you could no longer stay with him.  He admitted his actions in front of two therapists, but obviously is too ashamed to take credit for his misdeeds.  You get that - but it doesn't make it not the truth.  He's going to deny it.  He may even counter with his own accusations.  Stand firm.  You have nothing to be afraid of if you never violated your vows.  If you need to show the girls some form of proof, then do so.  It's not your intention to drag him through the dirt.  But it is your intention to let the truth out.  The fact that HE doesn't want to live with the truth is not your problem.

You cannot hurt your girls by telling them the truth.  You didn't create the issues.  If they are hurt, it will be by their father's actions.  And he deserves that.  Maybe after they process this, they can re-build their relationships with both of you based on truth.  This is THEIR truth, too.  It is not only yours, and your ex's.  It is theirs, too - it happened in THEIR family, to THEIR parents, and it affects them immensely.  They deserve to know why.

Kel

I'm not so sure anyone can drag their ex to court over telling their adult children the truth about them.  Usually gag orders are granted when 1) the person doing the bad-mouthing is doing so in a way that affects the livelihood of the individual being told on, or is 2) being told to children - the court doesn't like adults putting kids in the middle.  My parenting agreement says that we are not to talk ill of each other.  A parenting agreement doesn't apply to people who have aged out of the agreement, though.  It cannot possibly pertain to adult children.

Besides, why would your ex chance that you would bring evidence to court to out him in front of his children, a judge, his lawyer, your lawyer, etc.?  Trust me - they don't want that.  They may threaten it, but they're all talk.

And yeah - it's totally unfair of him to bad-mouth you to your kids and create lies, but then have to remain on his side with regards to not outing him.  If he didn't want to be outed, then he should have kept it in his pants.  No one can prove what he's thinking so long as he doesn't act on it.

Kel