I'm new to this forum.  I have recently started seriously questioning my husband's sexuality.  We've never had great sex.  Before we got married it seemed fine (not earth-shattering, but good enough).  When we got married it stopped.  We only had sex three times on our honeymoon.  After that it wasn't all that often.  Maybe once a month in the beginning.  Early on he said he didn't like me on top.  Went to far as to say it hurt and that I rubbed him wrong.  So now for the last 15+ years we have only done it with him on top.  He doesn't ask for doggie, but did about 8 months ago for the first time.  Also we've only had sex one other time since then and that was in February.  When we do have sex it is very mechanical, no boob touching ever (I am a size 2 girl with 32 DD natural breasts so he should want to touch!), no oral sex ever (me or him), almost seems inexperienced or something.  No hunger, no passion.  I have been in conversations with other women over the years where they say their husbands are always after them and it drives them crazy.  I have never felt this way and when it comes up in conversation with other women I always feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach.  About 8 months ago I started thinking something was up.  He was working all the time and gone a lot and things didn't add up.  He had taken a new position at work and was saying that he was so busy with that so that was a good enough explanation except that my gut said there was more.  I started thinking he was cheating.  I started writing everything down that was weird (like working till midnight all the time).  Unexplained absences where he said he was at work, but one time I found out from someone who works there that he was not actually there.  In the back of my head I kept thinking he can't be cheating because he doesn't have the sex drive to cheat so I would think another man and then think there's no way.  He doesn't have the stereotypical gay traits so besides the low sex drive it didn't totally add up.  Finally after about 4 months of me questioning it I broke down one night and asked if he was cheating.  He assured me he was not, but said sometimes when he's out with different groups of friends of ours he feels like they know something about him.  When I pressed further he said he thinks there's a video out of him jerking off.  I thought this was super weird and super specific.  I asked if there had been a time he possibly could have been videoed doing this and he said no it's just a feeling I have.  This did not sit well with me at all.  It seems like this might be a cover for something worse.  I begged him to tell me if there was anything to know.  Even asked if gay and he said no.  I said if there is anything and I find out later I will leave.  He still said no.  The next night when he came home from work he kept looking like he was going to tell me something.  I thought this is it.  He's going to come clean, but then nothing.  This was a Monday night.  By Thursday he was having a nervous breakdown.  Started having delusions.  Thought our house was bugged, thought his phone was bugged.  Couldn't keep a thought in his head for 5 minutes.  This went on for 4 nights and then some friends and people from work stepped in.  They ended up making him go to a rehabilitation center as they thought he was abusing drugs or alcohol or something because he was making no sense.  There is a lot more to this, but basically he ended up at a place out of state (didn't want to do treatment here because he didn't want run into people around town he'd met at treatment.)  Before he left he told several people including our 13 year old daughter that there was a secret.  Things were going to come out, but he wouldn't say what.  The night he left he said no matter what happens I am doing everything I do for you and the girls.  Things are going to come out and I just want you to know that, etc.  So after being in treatment for a couple weeks he changed his story.  There was no secret, that was just part of the delusions.  He ended up being treated for depression and anxiety and alcohol abuse.  No one from the treatment place really ever talked to me.  When they did they said they had to keep his confidentiality and had to have him on the phone too.  He's back now, but not taking anything for depression which I think is weird.  They said delusions from lack of sleep, depression and anxiety.  I think pretty extreme to cause such delusions and even weirder if that bad why he doesn't need to be on some sort of anti-depressant.  Another part of this is that he has been emotionally abusive/critical/controlling to me throughout our marriage.   It was so subtle that I didn't really completely realize it until all this happened.  When he left I felt a huge sense of relief.  So relieved I could hardly talk to friends, because I think they were thinking I'd be worried and concerned for him, but my reaction was actually relief to have him out of the house.  When he came back I was really upset.  I have broken down crying so many times I can't count.  Partly because I am afraid abuse will come back (which right now he is working really hard to keep in check, but I still think will come back) and partly because people keep saying they can fix the sex part (therapist), but it was never there in the first place.  How can you fix it?  I really want to leave him, but I am a people pleaser and he doesn't want our marriage to end so I have a hard time because of that and because it will also break my kids hearts.  I also am one who worries what other people think.  I keep wishing he'd just leave me.  Just a couple of other things to add, he is very homophobic and I think the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to him would be to have to admit he was gay.  He is a very successful business man and I think he thinks he couldn't exist in that world if anyone finds out.  It think that is why he desperately clings to the girls and I.  He says he loves us, but before he went to treatment he spent no time with us.  If we went on trips he'd work the whole time.  When at home he always sat back in the bedroom and didn't interact with us at all.  Since he's been back he's trying to be better.  He's not being critical of me or the girls and he's spending more time with us, but I am still so unhappy.  I know that at the end of the day, even if we can fix all the other stuff that the sex part won't get better and I deserve more.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like if I had proof of the gay I would be able to do it, but all of this is speculation....anyone who has any thoughts on this let me know....