All noted and zero offence taken friends. I kind of cringed when hitting "SEND" for my last message as I knew it would likely trigger many of you. I'll take your advice JK and focus 100% on the kids while just listening to their mother. Thanks again for your input everyone. If you have any questions for me (a gay ex-husband), please post them here.

Hi Sean,

I think maybe you need to look at your own negative emotions.  your last post - the only way I can express it is it smelt strongly of your feelings for your wife.  It's not the first post, it has come across quite often.  

If you want to make a proper apology to your wife then look at what she's had to live with - your feelings towards her.  Hidden from view.  Acknowledge them.  You say respect respect respect to your wife, and I'm not knocking it, but you don't feel that. 

I don't think you should be seeking an independent relationship with your children at this point, I think you should defer to your wife in all things to do with the children.   Take her advice on board if she is good enough to offer it to you.  And let your wife cry.  Learn some respect for her.  She is deserving of it from you - you're the one holding onto the feelings you had towards her as a husband.



 

Good day forum. Thank you everyone for posting. In reply to your recent posts:

1. Phoenix: You are exactly right OOHC.   My advice to him is absolutely colored by my experience.  But, as you said, that is hopefully what adds some value to it.  We come from the other side of the experience.  I think it's exactly this reason that Sean asked the question to our group.. we can offer some advice from a different perspective.​

​I don't see this as a bad thing my friend and yes your opinions (and posts) have great value so please keep posting.

​2. Lily: I think maybe you need to look at your own negative emotions.  your last post - the only way I can express it is it smelt strongly of your feelings for your wife.  It's not the first post, it has come across quite often. If you want to make a proper apology to your wife then look at what she's had to live with - your feelings towards her.  Hidden from view.  Acknowledge them.  You say respect respect respect to your wife, and I'm not knocking it, but you don't feel that. I don't think you should be seeking an independent relationship with your children at this point, I think you should defer to your wife in all things to do with the children.   Take her advice on board if she is good enough to offer it to you.  And let your wife cry.  Learn some respect for her.  She is deserving of it from you - you're the one holding onto the feelings you had towards her as a husband.

You make some very good points Lily. I have to admit that during my last encounter with my ex-wife, I was indeed thinking, "Oh here we go AGAIN!" which is the completely wrong (and narcissistic) approach. It's a bit like me rolling my eyes and complaining she needs stiches after I ripped her heart out. I'm very slowly working to understand and empathize with other's emotions, particularly hers, but this doesn't come naturally to a gay ex-husband with narcissistic personality disorder. With regards to my ex-wife, she must be struggling mightily with just being in the same room with me.     

3. Kel: Your unique input here has been invaluable.  However, have you taken the time to consider the possibility that you might be using this forum as a place to continue to focus attention on yourself?  To continue to be an validation junkie, as you've mentioned?  All that time you were married and denied being gay, you still wanted to keep your wife around.  You craved her being hung-up on you.  So much so that you hung onto her past the point where not only was it making her miserable, but even you weren't happy.  So long as you knew she wasn't going to get over you.  Now that your ex has made a clean-ish break and most of your communication is about logistics with regards to the kids, maybe you're missing feeling like a leader in the relationship?  That you need to be the expert and have the spotlight on you or you're not happy? Could it be that you are still feeding the need to have straight spouses hanging on your every word?

I think you're right Kel. I never thought about it like that so thanks for posting. If I'm reading this correctly, perhaps this forum represents a virtual way for me to have a relationship with my ex-wife, yet while maintaining both control and receiving approval. That would certainly be what a narcissist (or recovering narcissist) would do because both control and approval/adulation are part of our main diet. I'll have to think about that my friend. As I've shared before, I'm currently in a 12-step programme for porn and sex addictions. In all 12-step programmes, they say: "Progress not perfection." In the past, at any whiff of disapproval, I'd run or I'd attack the person who questioned my motives. For example, I felt like running last year when a fellow member questioned why I was here. I've spent so much of my life being on stage, not trying to do the right thing but trying to give the appearance of doing the right thing. Perhaps participating in this forum was another attempt to appear do the right thing in a "Look I can't be a bad guy because I'm helping so many straight spouses." I'll have to think about that one. Maybe it's time for my time and effort to move from the virtual world here to focusing on my real world ex-wife and kids. But I keep coming back here because I needed to. Perhaps it was because I was hooked on the virtual relationship and validation. Hmmm. I'll ask my 12-step sponsor and some others if they think it's healthy for me to keep posting here. I'll update you with what they tell me.

​Here are my takeaways from the most recent posts:

1. I need to truly acknowledge and let go of my negative feelings about my ex-wife.
​2. This means another apology to her is necessary.
​3. I need to make a heartfelt apology to my kids, the sooner the better.
​4. I need to really look at my current relationship and determine if staying with someone I cheated with while still married and a father is the kind of relationship that truly represents the man and father I want to be.
5. I need to consider if I'm posting here to really help others or solely to feed my narcissistic needs for approval and validation. 

​Thanks for your input everyone. I have a lot to think about! Please feel free to post here about anything. After all, this is your forum my friends.

Last edited by Séan (June 29, 2017 11:03 pm)

I appreciate that Phoenix. I guess what I have to do in the next few days is determine whether being here is an extension of my gay-in-denial narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or healing. That's the big question I reckon: whether I'm here to truly help others (healthy) or give the appearance of helping others while feeding my fragile ego (unhealthy). Lots to think about.  

yes I agree too - you have helped a lot of us, I include myself.  

you could stay because you like the people here.

If you and your boyfriend love each other then that can only be good.

all the best, Lily