Thanks for writing Stonehouse. I'm going to answer your questions based on my own relationship with my (now) ex-wife. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional so I'm not sure if this applies to all straight spouses. Now on to your questions:

1. In your experience, are there characteristics of women who fall for GID men?

​I can't answer that but I'm happy to share about my former wife. She is the daughter of an alcoholic father and manic depressive mother. Until her late 20s, she suffered from bulimia. At one point, she shared with me that she thought she could heal others through prayer. (I'm not sure she still believes this.) Once while visiting with my parents, my mother fell ill (the flu I think). My (then) wife said she felt her symptoms and had healed her through prayer. I'm not trying to portray her as crazy nor deranged, but I do believe she was displaying a lot of co-dependent personality traits such as feeling a need to save or heal others. Moreover, the children of parents suffering from addictions or mental illness are often co-dependents.

2. I had gay male friends in high school and college (back when kids weren't so open about it) and despite all my intentions, married someone GID. I didn't see it; he seemed unlike my gay friends. Now I look back and think, what was wrong with me that nearly all straight guys I knew didn't seek me out as a friend, or as a girlfriend? That only a GID man wanted me as a wife? Was I that unattractive, or did I somehow subconsciously seek gay men out? I guess this all sounds like a topic for therapy.

This sounds a lot like my ex-wife. Her boyfriend in high school also turned out to be gay. I think my ex-wife was initially attracted to my brokenness. She spent most of our relationship trying to fix or heal me, right until the bitter end. From what I've read, I think she defined love in a very co-dependent way, meaning that it was only love when she was saving or protecting someone. Her younger sister married a complete sociopath who committed suicide just last year.  Again the sister spent her entire relationship trying to fix or heal a broken man. Her sister also suspected he was gay-in-denial. Near the end of that relationship, she moved back in with her parents only to realize that her alcoholic father was a carbon copy of her soon-to-be ex-husband. I don't think it was mere coincidence that both sisters married gay-in-denial men with different forms of narcissistic personality disorder.

​Are most straight spouses co-dependent? Mine certainly was. Are most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) narcissists? I certainly was. Whether this applies to you and your own situation remains to be seen. But I will say this: at the end of their relationships and just when she's starting to detach, an alarming number of straight spouses hear the "I was molested/sexually abused" stories from their GIDHs. I tend to think that these stories are more lies, but what's interesting is the reaction. It plays on every co-dependent nerve in a straight spouse's body. She sees him as the victim, feels an overwhelming need to take care of him, or save him. And it very tidily explains why he's doing all of this 'gay stuff.' In short, he's no longer to blame, he's the victim, and he's safely back at the centre of their relationship. I've read about this often enough that it seems to confirm most gay husbands are manipulative narcissists, while their wives appear to display a lot of co-dependent personality traits.

I hope that answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again.

Well done Rob. You're an excellent example of a straight spouse who survived a toxic gay-in-denial wife. Given what you've shared, it sounds like separation and divorce were the best ways for you to heal. While your ex-wife may send hateful texts from time to time, I believe these are just expressions of her own self hatred as I believe you mentioned that she's still semi-closeted. Is this correct? You also mentioned going "grey rock" (http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock) which I believe is making yourself as emotionally bland as possible so that the toxic people in your life simply move on to more interesting prey. Many gay-in-denial spouses show similar personality traits as people with narcissistic personality disorder (or "NPD"). Narcissists thrive on strong emotions and conflict which is why they often provoke their friends and family. This seems to be what Rob's ex-wife is trying to get...provoke a reaction. When they no longer get a rise out of you because you're as bland as a grey rock, they'll likely move on. Thank you for sharing Rob. I'm glad you're doing better without your gay-in-denial ex-wife.  

Last edited by Séan (June 23, 2017 4:58 am)

Your 15 year old is male and so going through all the physical changes and mood swings that entails. Not having been a teenage boy (only having reared two) I can only assume that girls have begun to pay attention to him and he is trying to figure out if they really find him attractive or are only playing games to impress their friends. If he is obese,has bad skin, isn't into sports and is socially inept his anxieties are only going to be worsened.

Into this throw the fact that he now has a father that is openly gay. Does he think that maybe he is gay or may become gay? Is he afraid of how he will be treated if his friends find out? My sons were in their early 20's when their father came out and moved out. The one who was on his own went to counseling and the
younger one refused to have anything to do with his father for a year or two.

I think what helped was that they saw me as a survivor. I think their worst fear was that they would become responsible for me. I can't say what will happen if I live into my 90's but I have tried to ensure (and let them know)  that I will be independent as long as possible.

All of us straight ex-spouses move forward at our own paces. Your ex-wife cannot move forward as much with her life as I could with mine because there are three children and none are grown. I think the biggest challenge, particularly in the age of social media, is to keep them from doing anything that completely derails them.

Fifteen is an age that just has to be lived through by the child and the parents: I hate to tell you but 16 and 17 can be worse.

Sean,

With my kids who are teenagers I thrive on consistency and reliability.  They get the same dad they knew with instantaneous replys to questions and problems...no anger and a sympathetic ear.

Can't help with the rebuilding trust...I never broke trust with anyone or changed...I've always been just me...but.. thinking about it...maybe gradually making contact with your son..an oncassional text...ask how he is doing...dont pry too much when he says fine..tell him what your doing.  Very gradually let them know your around if they need anything.

Last edited by Rob (June 27, 2017 10:53 pm)

Sean,

god I wish I could add that little thingy above your name but haven't figured it out quite yet..

Your questions..

Here are my questions:

1. How should I go about rebuilding trust and meaningful relationships with my children?
​2. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with my eldest son who is 15 and extremely angry with me?
​3. Should I try to find solutions with their mother?
​4. If yes, how can I engage without triggering her emotionally (email perhaps)?

I think the going is going to be slow with your kids, especially the oldest son. I agree with Abby on much of what she said, hard age, period!,  and wondering about himself with girls and now to top that off wondering if he is going to be like you. That is hard.....as you surely know Sean..

With your wife, she is angry still at this stage, she cannot get out and meet other men to date, form a relationship with, like you have. She is primary caretaker which puts her at a disadvantage in that game, ..keeping her children put first. Also, I don't know how old she is but if she is over say 40 or 45, much harder still as it's is not the same for a woman to find a partner at that age being SINGLE,,,vs men,  much less with 3 underage kids to care for. I would be very angry if in that situation myself. Emails might help so as to not overwhelm her with what has already overwhelmed her as a parent and an older woman.

I hope that helps some, sorry you are going through this.

Last edited by foreverfooled (June 27, 2017 7:17 pm)