Thank you everyone for sharing. Both of you make very good points that toxic gay-in-denial ex-wives (or ex-husbands) may use any contact to continue abusing, manipulating, or simply complaining. Last year, I sent my wife several emails telling her how I'm healing, perhaps in an effort to calm her fears about me co-parenting. Given your posts, I now see how wrong this was. To her credit, she never responded. With regards to Rob's post, if your wife is incapable of sending you anything but abusive texts, then perhaps it's time to block her or get a new phone number. You're now in control and need not put up with her sh*t anymore. Yes some contact may be necessary because of the kids, schedules, etc. but find a way through which she can't continue abusing you. I'd set a goal for finding a solution in the next 30 days and then share it here. I'm sure that would help other members immensely. There might be some other way to communicate...perhaps via a third party like a mediator or a neutral friend. I hope that helps my friend.     

Great thread Sean!  I (emotionally) detached slowly and was then given an opportunity to be alone for several months due to his job.  That was the best thing that could have happened....

Although I never had proof of outright cheating, the gay porn was everywhere.  At first just online porn.  Each time I saw more I could feel myself caring less and less about him. Then he moved on to ordering dildos and g-strings. By the time we got to counseling I honestly couldn't have cared less.   My tears were in the very beginning, caused by the shock of the first porn discovery.  I lived in limbo for probably over three years.  Then, without planning it or knowing it, I realized I had already emotionally detached.  And as much as the divorce and the entire thing sucked, I realized that my slow emotional detachment is what saved me from being devastated and heartbroken for years.  Am I still pissed?  You bet your ass I am!  That part will probably never change.   

About three years after discovery, he was forced to move away for several months for his job... .To a foreign country that was completely opposite my time zone.  There was little time for communication or phone calls other than email.  This was the break I needed.  This was the forced physical detachment with almost no contact that I needed in order to see a way forward.  If not for this, I may have still been there trying to "make it work" or make myself emotionally connected again.  The day I dropped him off, I cried.  I cried because I knew in my heart that when he returned I would no longer be in love with him in any way.  I cried because I dropped him off in the exact same place where we met.  Literally met.  I cried when I told him goodbye and I cried when I walked out of that building.  But I didn't cry for me.  I cried because I knew things would not be the same the next time I saw him.  But then I went home.  And I felt....free.  I felt alone in a good way.  Happy.  Not crushed by my life that had been so intertwined in the gay thing.  A few months passed and he came home.  And when I went to pick him up....the entire building where we met, and where I had dropped him off, had been torn down and replaced with something new.  And I knew that was my sign that no matter how hard we tried to build things back or make things the same, it was just gone.  Torn down the same way that the building was torn down and now gone.  Like it never existed.  The place we met and talked for the first time no longer exists.   

Eventually, I got the courage to tell him that I just didn't want this anymore.  I moved out for a trial period.  Then I moved back in, but separate rooms.  Finally, after another year had passed, I moved out for good and filed. 

So that is my story of detachment.  First, I had the emotional detachment.  Getting to the point where you just don't give a crap anymore is healing and it's definitely step 1.  But the forced physical (almost) no contact was what saved me.  People here are not kidding when they say that no contact is the key.    

Sean,  You wrote, "Last year, I sent my wife several emails telling her how I'm healing, perhaps in an effort to calm her fears about me co-parenting. Given your posts, I now see how wrong this was."

This is an interesting comment to me.  I don't know your wife's reason for not responding.  It's been less than 2 years, since disclosure, for me.  If my ex wrote me a note like that, I would not be able to believe him.  The trust he broke was so huge.  You had your entire life to come to terms with yourself.  This is still new to your wife, compared to the time you've had to process all of this.

Plus, if my ex wrote me something like that, right now, I'd have to ignore it.  If I didn't, my only response would have to be, "Show me how much you've changed by the way you father your children."  Right now, he spends very little time with them, all while asking for more time.   He seems unable to interact with the children, in an unselfish, stable way.  The children come home commenting that he is easily angered (yells at the car or other drivers, is impatient with others).  I listen, but I always just say, "How do you think you could handle that?"  The children who are old enough to make their own decision about going with him do not look forward to going with him.  Sometimes, they don't go with him, on his days.  Even my youngest no longer wants to go with him, though he does.  In the past, the young one always looked forward to his time with Dad.  Now, he doesn't.  It's not fun.  His dad doesn't pay attention to him, except to buy him a Happy Meal, which even he is bored of (& he likes those dumb toys).

I want him to be a good dad.  I want that for my children.  Right now, if my ex said, "I've changed", I couldn't believe him.  (Of course, I don't mean change being gay!  I mean change by doing the work necessary to become a better person).

He has told me (all communication via text), "You need to get help for your anger."  Yep!  I think a lot of you will really appreciate that bit of advice!!...all the while saying he has no time or money to go to counseling, himself.

IF my husband starts showing me that he's changed...meaning that he's doing the work required to heal and find peace...someday, I could probably talk to him, again.  IF he does the work required to finally accept himself, as a gay man, and shows me that he is capable of making good choices for himself...that newfound self-love would transfer to an ability to show love to his children.  He tries, but he is not capable of that, yet.

I would not be able to respond to any statement saying that he's healed, yet.  Yet.  He would have to show me, by the way he would build a better relationship with the children.  He is nowhere close to that, yet.  Sean, you very well may be.  You've done a lot of work on yourself.  I have seen your perspective change, since you've posted here.  I've seen you change your wording of how you describe your (ex) straight spouse:  I think you understand, a bit better, the unimaginable shock that finding out a spouse is gay causes.

I'm curious:  Was your reaction to her non-response one of anger, in any way?  If there was even a speck of anger, I'd say that you have even more work to do.  If your response was more of understanding, perhaps sadness, that would seem more healed to me.

I mentioned, yesterday, that my husband texted me, "You don't even care."  I think that's because I was the one person who loved him, more than he loved himself.  (Of course, I loved the person I thought he was; he is a stranger, now).  He needs to find that self love.  I can't do it for him.  If ever, through his actions (not through words) he is able to show me that he has changed, I might be able to someday speak with him.  2 years post-disclosure, he is not even close to being well.  He is older than you, Sean.  He has many years of self-denial and shame to overcome.  He is nowhere even close to being a well man, yet.  

I'm not well, yet, but I'm heading in the right direction, and it is getting easier.  I don't know how your wife is doing, financially.  I will say that my own financial situation is an absolute disaster.  Were it not for that, I think I would be doing even better.  I'm working on that part.  I have a very outdated Masters degree and outdated work skills.  Guess who complains about money?  My ex!  I only know this from comments I've heard my children say to each other.  I'm not complaining; I'm trying to handle reality.  Recovering from having a GID spouse is a long, long, long road.

Last edited by jkpeace (June 21, 2017 12:29 pm)

Q: Was your reaction to her non-response one of anger, in any way?  If there was even a speck of anger, I'd say that you have even more work to do.  If your response was more of understanding, perhaps sadness, that would seem more healed to me.

​A: I really didn't feel anything. When we first separated, I was often over at her house...too much in fact. The kids complained because they didn't like it. When there, I'd talk to her like we were still together. I shared with her what I'd learned about my narcissism. Given that she's gone no contact, or 'grey rock' as it's often called, I think a therapist helped her on how to detach from me. Back when we were together and I was closeted, I would seethe with anger and frustration. I now realize that I often scared my wife and kids. It's taken time, but I'm no longer angry. I spent 35+ years playing straight and it felt like the emotional equivalent of being in the tightest and most uncomfortable polyester suit...in a heatwave! Thanks to my time here, therapy, and a 12-step program for porn addiction, I no longer blame, feel resentment, nor get angry. Yes these feelings still flicker but they no longer consume me as they did in the past. So no I didn't get angry when she didn't answer and I understand her very neutral answers now. She has her own healing to do and I have to gain back her trust and the trust of my children.

Last edited by Séan (June 21, 2017 12:50 pm)

We've been posting about how straight wives can detach from their gay-in-denial husbands. I shared that I emailed my ex-wife a few times last year with some updates to which she didn't reply. Kel then asked: 

"Sean, don't take this personally.  I'm sure if you knew that's how your news to her would be construed, you may not have told her.  But I guess I'd ask - what was the point of you telling your ex that you're doing well?  Did you assume that she still loved you, and therefore would just be overjoyed for anything good that comes your way?  Much like a parent is for their child?"

I don't take offence my friend. If I remember correctly, I emailed her after she'd questioned something I'd done with the kids. I think my point was along the lines of, "Look I'm no longer a porn addicted *sshole." I'd just celebrated the milestone of two years porn-free and knee-jerk shared it with her as I'd shared most big news with her for decades. I'm a recovering validation junkie so I guess I wanted her to congratulate me in some f*cked up way. Perhaps this is child-like behaviour. I haven't emailed her since last October and most of our communication is via friendly texts. I no longer "go deep" with my ex-wife because that's no longer our relationship. I hope I've answered your question but please feel free to post again.

​I don't want to make this thread about me so if any straight wives have questions for a gay ex-husband, please post them here. You can also send me a private message and let me know if you'd like a public or private answer. 

Last edited by Séan (June 21, 2017 3:48 pm)