I don't need him to admit it. I told him Again tonight that I want a divorce.  He asked again to come to counciling with me.  I asked him what he hoped to accomplish and he said to talk about making our marriage better.  I told him that wasn't  possible because I believe he is sexually attracted to men.   He told me I was wrong.  To which I said I understand you continue to deny it and it makes you angry that I believe it but it's how I feel and what I believe.  He just kept telling me that I was wrong and that I was just looking for a way out.  A reason to leave.   I had hoped for the sake of the kids that we could agree on the seperation.   But it doesn't look like that will be the case.

Bec,

So sorry your stbx,gid (need we label) husband is giving you a hard time. 
Daryl wrote;
"Sometimes I do think they have themselves convinced and that truth is whatever they need it to be. Trust yourself."

It makes us doubt reality for sure..

Here I am over a year later with my still gidx moved out.  I'm strictly no contact with her but for fathers day I got a nice stream of what I call her "rage texts".  How she is the victim not me etc. ..blah blah blah.. goes on and on. Without a word or reply from me. 
She is so angry to this day but more so whenever I am in contact with her the lies just continue even over a year later. Still convincing herself she was morally right I guess.  The reality; that she was blatantly cheating with a woman and she trashed the marriage..well she is rewriting that to say I cheated and I caused the divorce and she had to divorce me. ..  whatever.

I write the lies out here to remind myself what a good person I was and still am.. how kind and faithful and loving I was.  I don't recall myself coming home at 230 am or not at all.  I recall myself home by 5 or 6 everyday and all my time devoted to her and the kids..   sigh..here she has me doubting my moral behavior even now... argh.  No contact.

I don't want to scare you...just to say that these spouses can convince themselves of anything.  They will try to rewrite reality ..that they hurt us..that they kept hurting us...they will try to rewrite that too.  And it's that complete lack of empathy or moral responsibility that scares me the most.


Do what you need to do for yourself and kids.  Do not doubt the actions you witnessed or treatment you received. We need to live in real reality..not the one they try to create.

A warm hug for strength and comfort.

Last edited by Rob (June 20, 2017 6:21 am)

Thank you all so much.  I would be lost without this forum
​JK Peace, his response to I want what is best for the children, is divorce is never best for the children.  He also has our pastor in his ear telling him to fight for the marriage.   No matter what God doesn't give up on marriage,...   did you file for divorce when your husband still lived in the house?
On a side note, my pastor went to see my therapist last week.  Guess he doesn't like that she's not telling me I have to stay in my marriage.  

 

Last edited by Bec (June 20, 2017 9:10 am)

Bec,

Your husband is using language that is designed to make you feel like a quitter - hoping that you'll react as most people do and dislike the picture it paints of you.  You would then try to prove that you aren't a quitter by.... not quitting.  His feelings are not the only ones here that matter, though.  Both partners do NOT have to be in agreement for the relationship to end. He KNOWS that - which is why he's trying to convince you to stay - because he cannot just declare that the relationship will continue and have it do so. (that's not true in other places in the world)  He has no "power" here to keep the relationship intact - so he's doing the only thing he can do stop the process of breaking it up - trying to convince you.  The lynchpin is actually YOUR MIND.  If he can change your mind, he can change the outcome of the situation.

If saying "I'm not happy and I don't want to continue this marriage" were enough, he would have let you go. Now, in fairness, almost no one is going to just say "okay" to their partner wanting a divorce if they themselves want to continue the relationship - they'd want to know why their partner felt that way.  And if they wanted to continue the relationship, they'd try to fix the things they could so that their partner wouldn't have a problem.  In general, people don't just throw in the towel on a marriage if there is some action that can resolve the issues, and hope that the other person will take those steps.  When one or both of the aforementioned is missing, you're at an impasse.

It's like constantly taking Tylenol for a fever without ever finding out what's CAUSING the fever.  It may offer some relief from the fever itself, but it won't solve the infection that's raging inside the body, causing destruction.  Unless you find that root cause and treat that, the fever will remain.  If you can find the infection, and treat that, then you're rid of the root problem and the fever disappears on its own.  All you can do is manage the symptoms unless you find and cure the root cause.  And like a fever, sometimes we assume that we're seeing the symptoms for a temporary, self-resolved cure.  Like a flu.  You can't "solve" a flu - you can only wait it out for itself to self-resolve, and make yourself comfortable in the meantime.  The issue comes when we notice that no, it's NOT resolving on its own, and we're up against something we can't explain or understand.  That's when we begin to dig deeper to figure out what the real cause is.

One of your important issues is that there is a lack of intimacy.  Maybe for a while (maybe even a very long while) you tried to let the issue self-resolve.  Maybe when asked, your spouse chalked it up to stress, job loss, exhaustion, or even resentment over some of your actions, or blamed you for not keeping your body in a way that's desirable to him.  So you try to resolve those root causes (or be patient when it's not something you have control over - like job loss) - only to find that no, those can't actually be the the root cause - because you've tried to resolve those issues, but the problem still remains.  So you try to drill down into what the root cause REALLY is, if it's not those things.  What you have found is evidence that suggests that the root cause is that your husband is attracted to men.  And you can't work with that - you're not a man.  And so therefore you have no hope of fixing the issue.  Some people get caught up in a loop at this point - trying to manage the offensive behavior.  They try to come to an agreement with their spouse that if they aren't gay and they want to stay, they need to stop certain behaviors.  Like sex with others, intimate conversations with others, looking at pics or videos of others, etc.  But the behavior isn't really the problem - it's only the symptom.

Once you get to the point where you think you truly have gotten to the root of the problem, and you don't see a fix, then it's time to accept the issue (lack of intimacy) as being unresolvable.  And at that point, you determine whether you can live with the problem being permanent.  If so, then you map out a plan.  The other outcome is never finding the root cause, but having no hope that it can be resolved because you've already put so much work in, without any progress.  The fact that your spouse won't agree on the root cause of the issue is irrelevant at that point.  He can tell you that he truly DOES want the relationship, that you've got the root cause of the unresolvable issue wrong, and they want to keep going.  They don't offer a reasonable explanation that will get you anywhere, though.  They may offer to stop doing things that you dislike - but again, it's only removing the symptoms - not the root cause.

If I'd waited until my husband admitted to being gay before throwing in the towel, I'd still be (very unhappily) married.  He was never going to tell me that.  AND the issue of lack of intimacy was never going to be resolved.  I WASN'T okay with that - no matter WHAT the reason.  I'd tried for 16 years, and we never moved an inch on a problem that needed a mile's worth of movement before I could get out of the misery zone.  I realized I had no hope of ever getting there in the next thousand years - no matter WHAT the reason.  I didn't "give up" at that point - I had a realization and made a decision to move in a different direction.  I decided to stop banging my head against the wall and expecting to feel better.  I realized that leaving might not ensure me finding happiness - but that staying would guarantee that I'd never find it.  And I realized that I didn't want this dysfunctional marriage to be my children's model for their own future marriages.

Divorce is never ideal.  You're not saying it is.  You're saying that it's the lesser of two evils.  That of the two choices (leaving vs. staying), the better option for you is leaving.  Your spouse does NOT have to agree with your choice in order to move forward on the leaving path.  And he won't.  Not until he realizes that he has no hope of changing your mind.  Then he'll get angry and cruel.  And you'll know more than ever that THIS is the person you're leaving - this person that they've tried to hide from you.  And you'll feel better than ever about your decision.

Keep going, hon.  You are no longer on a journey together - because you're in disagreement over the path to take.  That's okay.  Unless you're willing to go down his path with him and be fine with that, keep taking the path you believe is best for YOU.  That is EXACTLY what HE'S been doing all along.  Get to the point where you don't CARE if someone calls you a coward for not taking the path with the active volcano on it.  Get to the point where if you need to be blamed for not taking the path of destruction, you're fine with that.  You just won't actively walk into a path that you know will be all hot lava - no matter how you're painted.  You want to LIVE, not be blameless.  You'll take the blame if it gets you to safety and happiness.  STOP CARING what he and everyone else thinks - hold your head high and walk into the sunlight - not following someone into hot lava.  You'll never be sorry you made that choice.

Kel 

Last edited by Kel (June 20, 2017 11:03 am)