I don't know how many times I've asked myself that question. I don't know the answer, but I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter. I don't think I can forgive my ex until/unless she asks for it, but I'm realizing that it doesn't matter. I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel negative or resentful. I just want to be okay.

I have such a hard time with the subject of forgiveness.  My X remains in the closet, remarried a woman, abandoned his family and kids, and blames everything on me. It seems so futile to forgive someone that shows no remorse and would scam and hurt me and the kids again in heart beat. I forgave myself for falling for him and staying too long with him. I understand why he does what he does and I am no longer angry. I suppose I have forgiven, but not forgotten. He is just not someone I find worthy to be apart of my new life. Ditto for all our friends and acquaintances who believed all his BS despite proof to the contrary. I wish that he had been truthful and honest with me and that after 20 years together that we would have worked through his SSA etc. I would have been the first to support him. That is just not who he is.

I think sometimes when we talk here about forgiveness what we are really searching for is closure.  

Last edited by WendiT (July 31, 2016 2:50 pm)

yes.  closure.  I really don't feel the need to forgive him, just myself.  It's hard to get closure these days - Facebook is everywhere and my ex is on Facebook and I'm not.  He reaches out to every friend of mine and I can't get away from his gaslighting.

so I have been thinking about this and I think one of the things a lot of us struggle with is that we loved them.  and our pattern is to be monogamous - faithful, loyal trusting.  care about partner above all else.  

agh, I think I'm reaching a level of angry with him I haven't gone through yet.  I haven't thought of him for ages but I have a friend staying who went to visit him yesterday and now I am haunted by those under the table grey creeping thieving hands again.

anyway back to my point - they didn't take responsibility for marrying you in the first place and they're not taking responsibility when it breaks up.  That leaves you to take responsibility for making the break and you are the one therefore who has to question yourself because you're doing the break up.  It means you have to question whether you are good at loving someone at all.

The only way I could answer that was to recognise it was better for his emotional health as well as mine.  But that didn't answer the anger engendered by his shabby treatment of me.  there is no redress.  it still amazes me the way he is able to garner sympathy so easily - tho I guess he had mine for a long time.

 

I would love to say I am all past it, but I think if a good friend met up with my XH I would feel creeped out too. So sorry, Lilly.

I think before you can offer forgiveness (to anyone) it helps to be clear in your own mind what you understand forgiveness to be: what does it mean, what does it require of you, what does it cost you, what does it require of the other person, and so on. It's a word that gets tossed about quite a bit but what it means is personal, and it has different connotations for that reason. What does it mean for you to forgive someone else? What does it mean for you when someone else forgives you? Are some acts "more forgiveable" than others? Have you ever been forgiven when you didn't expect to be?  etc. You might find that your definition of forgiveness doesn't apply in this case. Or conversely, you might find that it's easier to do than you expected.

Just food for thought, here are some Merriam-Webster synonyms and definitions (plural) of forgiveness; ask yourself how much if any, or all, or none of it fits?

Full Definition of forgive

a :  to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult>
b :  to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
c:   to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : 
d:   pardon <to forgive one's enemies>
e:   to stop feeling angry at or hurt by <Please forgive me, I didn't mean it.>

 Synonyms of forgive

excuse, condone, pardon, forgive mean to exact neither punishment nor redress.

excuse may refer to specific acts especially in social or conventional situations or the person responsible for these. Often the term implies extenuating circumstances <injustice excuses strong responses>.

condone implies that one overlooks without censure behavior that involves a serious breach of a moral, ethical, or legal code (such as dishonesty or violence) and the term may refer to the agent responsible for it <a society that condones alcohol but not narcotics>

pardon implies that one remits a penalty due for an admitted or established offense <pardon a criminal>.

forgive implies that one gives up all claim to requital and to resentment or vengeful feelings <could not forgive their rudeness>.

More Synonyms

1. to cease to have feelings of anger or bitterness toward <it is not always easy to forgive those who have hurt us>
Synonyms pardon
Related Words absolve, acquit, clear, exculpate, exonerate, vindicate; remit, shrive; condone, disregard, excuse, ignore, pass over, shrug off; discharge, liberate, redeem, release, unburden

2. to dismiss as of little importance <he has so many good qualities that I guess we can forgive a slight penchant for exaggeration>
Synonyms blink (at), brush (aside or off), condone, discount, disregard, excuse, gloss (over), gloze (over), ignore, overlook, overpass, paper over, pardon, pass over, remit, shrug off, whitewash, wink (at)
Related Words explain, justify, rationalize; absolve, acquit, clear, exculpate, exonerate, vindicate; waive, wave (aside or off)

Last edited by BryonM (July 31, 2016 6:19 pm)