Dear Stand,
   First of all, while I understand your fear that you will be labeled "transphobic," you're not being transphobic;  you're being a concerned parent who is primarily concerned to look after the interests of her child (and it's a good thing one of your child's parents puts the child first!).  The factual evidence that you are not transphobic is already clear for the agency to see: you are voluntarily allowing your former husband supervised visits with your child when you are not required to do so (if I am reading the details of your post right).  If you were transphobic (or just garden variety divorcing wife-vindictive), you would not have done this. (Remember this fact, as if the label "transphobic" is hurled at you, you can reply by saying just that.)
   I am not sure what the legal standing of your separation and divorce is--are you already divorced and in the process of figuring out visitation?  Or are you legally separated and preparing for divorce and a final settlement, including of child custody?   I'm also wondering if you have a family law lawyer for yourself or whether there's a child advocate involved (or both!) you can take your concerns to. 
   Wherever you are in the legal process, here's one thing I would do, before anything else.  Document in writing every time something like this occurs. Write down the date, the place, the time, what happened and what was said, just as you did here in your post.
   It is clear that you are having doubts about the visitations because you have evidence that your former husband is not adhering to the guidelines; Tim/Tasha is more concerned that your four year old daughter (with developmental and language delays) validate his/her new identity by using his/her new name than he/she is with your daughter's ability to process the change at her own pace.  
  If you are voluntarily participating in these visitations (that is, if they are not court ordered), you should be well within your rights if you take your evidence and your doubts to the agency--the cps--who supervise the visits, and tell them you would like to suspend the visits because your former husband is not adhering to the guidelines.  I'm also wondering what "concerns" they have with your ex?--does this mean they themselves have doubts about his/her fitness as a parent? If they already have "concerns," then it's less likely they will label you "transphobic."
  Two things are clear.  One, the needs of your daughter must prevail over any fear of being labeled (unless being labeled "transphobic" can have an impact on custody arrangements).  Two, you are being a good mother and the adult in what is a very trying situation in which your former husband is more concerned with being validated in his/her new gender identity by a four year old than with the cognitive dissonance and distress being experienced by your daughter.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 16, 2017 5:44 am)

It really has nothing to do with being trans, if you think about it.  Your ex has decided to change his identity.  As part of that, he's also changed the name/word he'd like to be labeled as.  If he suddenly decided that he'd like to identify as a banana and wanted to be called "Big Yellow", the world would think that was ridiculous.  But since his re-labeling is associated with something that has become socially acceptable and even embraced and supported, he's emboldened and entitled at this point.  The fact that a very young, developmentally delayed, language delayed child is having difficulty with such a transition is expected.  What's NOT expected is that HE'S not getting that.

Do you have a Guardian ad Litem for your daughter?  If so, reach out to that individual and ask for advice. If not, you should be able to bring this up with your lawyer and get some advice.  In my parenting agreement, it is outlined that neither parent is to bash on the other parent to the children.  There is no reason you can't have something spelled out in the document about this needing to go at the child's pace.  That might still be an issue unless the "pace" were defined.  But one definition could be that he doesn't chastise your daughter in any way for using the wrong name or pronoun.

This could have been so much easier if when your daughter called him Tim, he said, "Tasha, remember?" to her, while raising his eyebrows and smiling.  He could still have what he wants if only he'd concentrate on a positive, supportive way to teach his daughter that instead of chastising her for not doing it right.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 16, 2017 9:37 am)