Thank you for posting Lyonene. In reply:

1. Sounds like you got your own dose of reality. ;)

​Quite right.

2. Truth is healthy for all and will eventually find it's way to the light. What has this truth provided you, Sean?

At first, the truth brought me and my family nothing but pain. I had lied to myself about my sexuality while deceiving and manipulating everyone around me since about age 5-6. For most of my life, I have lived with two goals: to hide my sexuality while seeking other's approval. I first said the words, "I'm gay" to my wife in May 2012 and this was probably the first time I'd accepted it myself. It meant that I understood the consequences. I then came out to my family in May 2013. I live abroad and couldn't get home for almost a year after coming out to my wife. Coming out to my mother was the most painful and devastating emotional experience of my life...more than even coming out to my wife. I feared my mother's rejection. Right up until the very last second, I was still in denial. I even told my sister moments before not to come with me because, "I'm fine" I thought. Thank God she was there because I couldn't even say the words, "I'm gay." What came out of my mouth was something like, "I'm g--uh" and then it hit me. In an instant, thirty-five years of lies, evasions, denial, and pain just hit me. I sobbed uncontrollably and after spent days in shock. Given what I've read here, straight wives go through something similar, if not even more painful, when hearing their husbands say, "I'm gay." Sadly there is no pride parade for straight spouses who are the real heroes.  

So what has the truth brought me? At first it brought me pain, then very painful healing, and now five years later peace. Living in the closet would have driven me: 1. mad; and 2. to suicide. Few people were surprised when I came out to them. It was always, "Well I had my doubts..." or "I'd always suspected." Absolutely no one said to me, "REALLY, I'm SHOCKED." I'd spent my whole life shoving people into my dark closet. This forced them to live in denial (of my sexuality) and lie to themselves. This isn't the man I want to be for the second half of my life. Yes the truth is painful. Yes I broke my wife's heart. Yes I hurt my children. I regret all of it and always will. That's why I'm here: atonement. But the lies have stopped and I'm now trying to rebuild my life on a foundation of truth.

​Hopefully this will also give my ex-wife a chance to find a man who will make her happy. At the very least, I stopped emotionally abusing both her and my children as we live apart. I can only imagine what our lives would have been after a lifetime of my anger, lies, denial, and cheating.

​So to answer your question Lyonene, by coming out, separatng, and divorcing, I chose to rip off the bandaid. It stung and hurt like hell. But it was a faster solution than spending the rest of my life in the closet and forcing my loved ones to live there with me. Thanks so much for posting. I've learned something today.

Last edited by Séan (June 11, 2017 8:42 am)

That's very kind of you Lyonene. I am always struck by how kind and caring straight spouses like you are, even after being treated so poorly by gay husbands like me. This is also a good reminder that this if your forum. So if any straight spouses have questions for a gay-ex-husband (no longer in denial about his sexuality), fire away!

Welcome in limbo although I'm sorry you've found yourself here. In reply:

​1. Just curious about the awareness you have of other gay men in public places.  I wonder about my husband.  He doesn't seem to look at other women, but I have caught him looking and being looked at by other men.  Some men, that were checking him out, were with their male partners.

​Yes gaydar exists 100%. I can spot another gay man in a heartbeat and he can probably spot me. The dress, the walk, the voice, and particularly the look.  

2. It makes me wonder, as a lot of other posts, is he living in denial, and I am the "mask"?? 

Straight wives of gay men are often referred to as "beards" as well. If you're posting here, haven't had sex with him in years, he checks out men, surfs gay porn, or messages men on Craigslist, he's as gay as a rainbow. 

3. A brief history..  We have cohabited for 29 years (married).  Raised my two kids within a sexless marriage...

Red flag #1, sexless marriage.  

​4. His alcoholism...

​Red flag #2, addiction.

​5. ...which I attributed the low sex drive to for years. Finally, 3 years ago, he said- 'My first marriage (of 10 years) broke up because of the sex problems."  

​Red flag #3, divorced.

6. I was furious, and told him, to me, that is such a betrayal- he could have told me in the first year or two of marriage that it wasn't my fault-.  I lived for years with feeling unlovable, unworthy. And I hid the marriage problems. I thought I was wrong, and I made him mad- and he was withholding sex..He often accused me of being "oversexed".

​Red flag #4, he's blaming you for not wanting to have sex with women. That's bullsh*t.

​7. I have been rejected so many times, that I am now repulsed by him approaching me for a kiss...  He adamantly denies being gay.  Too much so...

His web history and phone messages don't lie and you might have checked those. Some other common red flags: he has a male best friend who he travels with (without you); tends to spend a lot of unexplained and unaccounted for time alone; is always online (gay porn most likely); and has ordered the odd anal sex toy; there is a very good chance he's gay. 

Putting aside the gay thing, there are lots of other things that are deal breakers in relationships. A lack of sex, lack of connection, and you constantly feeling uneasy around him are often grounds enough for separation/divorce. But be ready for a honeymoon phase if you openly talk about splitting up. I know from experience that nothing spurs a gay man into action like the threat of losing his beard and his closet. So after you threaten divorce (and seem serious about it), get ready for flowers, a renewed interest in sex, and lots of promises. But it won't last unfortunately. Once you're back in the relationship, the emotional abuse and neglect will continue.

​I hope that helps in some way my friend. Be well and please keep posting.

Last edited by Séan (June 11, 2017 5:30 pm)

I'm so sorry I made you cry. I was a bit tired when writing my responses and I can see that they were a bit short and rather cold. My apologies for that. You've just joined so I'd suggest sharing as much of your story as possible. This will help you start thinking about yourself, while at the same time detaching from him. In the end, you'll realize that this is about you, your wants, and your needs rather than staying with a man who is likely incapable of making you happy.

Caution: a number of gay-in-denial husbands act a lot like narcissists while using a number of narcissistic tools. I'd have a look through my thread to read up on narcissism or just google it. There are also a number of helpful videos on YouTube as well. If he has an addiction, this may mean you have fallen into the role of being his caretaker, also described as a co-dependent. I'd read up on that as well to see if you're in narcissist/co-dependent relationship.

​Please feel free to write as much as you like here or you can start your own thread. You're no longer alone. There are many kind, caring, and helpful women here who have survived similar situations and thrived...without their gay-in-denial husbands.

​I look forward to your next post and following your journey of healing. Be well.

Last edited by Séan (June 11, 2017 5:36 pm)

Hi Sean. I've been reading your posts and am so thankful to have found you. I desperately need help. I've been in betrayal trauma for over a year with little answers other than my husband admitting that he's confused,  after I found years of gay porn. If I sent you a list of bullet items I do know about his acting out and behaviors since age 9, would you be able to offer your opinion and guidance? We're both seeing our own CSAT counselors,  since he was diagnosed with Sex Addiction a yr ago. Married 38 years. Thank you so much.