I'm glad that you're so much more at peace today, MO.  You have a long road ahead of you, but without a starting point of clarity, you are just roaming around in the dark.  I'm sure this feels much better.  Congratulations seems like an odd thing to say, but it is also apropos. 

By the time I asked my ex for a divorce, I'd been over him for years.  I'd tried everything I could think of to make this man notice me, and it didn't work.  I had zero self-esteem left and no hope left that things would ever change.  I still had lots to process, but I was no longer in love.  And I had been sex-starved in so many ways for over a decade.  Once my ex came out to me, we both decided that even though we were still living together until the financial situation sorted itself out, we both wanted to start dating.  We hadn't told the kids yet about the divorce though, nor our family.  So we kept dating on the down-low.  We had two additional adults living in the house besides us, so my ex and I would often leave to meet others after our youngest (who was 7 at that time) went to bed.  The older two are boys - they barely noticed we'd left as long as they'd been fed and they had their video games available.  Lol.

I was on a specialty dating site for only about a month (it was for plus-size women; it was like shooting fish in a freaking barrel).  That resulted in a rapidly-improving sense of self-esteem.  I found out that the problem wasn't me - I still had it!  I hadn't felt young, attractive or sexy in over a decade.  Suddenly men were clamoring for my attention.  Now,.... if I'd have gone on a typical dating website, I might not have had that same experience - plus size ladies aren't as sought after there.  But I'd chosen the first place that seemed like a good match, and it was a lot of bang for the buck.

I met a man who lived four hours away.  He was sexy and a made a huge deal about how attractive I was.  I needed that then.  We met up about 6 times over the course of 2 years, and it was.... amazing.  But there were issues.  He had sole custody of his three kids, and he wasn't moving from the area he was in.  I was never going to move from my area, either.  He also had issues with knowing how to treat me.  He very much desired me - which I needed.  But he didn't know how to do more than that.  He would talk when he was hitting roadblocks in his own life with money or the kids.  But when I needed to talk, he acted like I was needy.  Meanwhile, he expected me to only see/sleep with/talk to him.  Was never going to work out, even if he was perfect.  And he wasn't.  So I stopped that and went back online.  I know it's crazy, but I went to Craigslist.  Hey - it's free.

I met plenty of men there.  I only went out with people that I felt some connection to, and whom I found attractive.  Some were very young.  I learned quickly they weren't for me.  Some told me they were divorced and single, but that meant they wanted a divorce but hadn't yet told their wife.  No thank you!  A few wanted to see me all the time, but I wasn't in a position to be able to do that at that point in time.  One man liked me a ton, but stopped seeing me because he would want more than he knew I could give.  I have no idea to this day what that meant.  I think it meant he'd want to marry me, and I was already married.

I tried lots of new things that I hadn't been free to try since I'd been married.  Some I hated, others I loved.  I was unwilling to stick around for anything but stellar sex.  Over time I went from mostly having only a sexual relationship to becoming more honed in on what I wanted, and wanting a pseudo relationship - one where the man would contact me at least every day to text, and sometimes to chat on the phone.  I exited all those relationships for one reason or another.  I may have liked a guy but he was a workaholic and was not available.  Or he wouldn't make dates until the day of, making me feel like a booty call.  One I liked very much but he was clear that he didn't really want a relationship, and he never wanted to marry again.  I wanted no limitations - I wanted things to grow organically.  And I understood that I could trust that if a man said he didn't want a relationship, he meant it.

Eventually I met my current husband - again, on Craigslist.  I'd put out an ad in W for M, and 53 men answered overnight.  No pic.  I met two of them - my current husband being one.  I knew right away that this was very different.  We texted and then started talking on the phone.  By the time we met, we very badly wanted to meet each other.  And that was only a few days after initial contact.  Neither of us was looking for a spouse, per se.  But we both knew a good thing when we felt it.  Our first date was Nov. 30th.  He moved in on April 1st.  Seven months later and he proposed in front of my whole extended family at Thanksgiving.  That July, we married and went on our honeymoon.  I knew from about a month after we started dating that I was going to marry this man.  I've never been so sure of anything in my life.  I doubt I ever will.  Next month will be 4 years of marraige for us.  Blissfully happy.

Do whatever floats your boat.  Just know yourself well enough to not do things that will feel good in the moment, but make you feel worse afterward than if you'd never done them.  Use protection.  Be safe.

Wishing you all the luck in the world -

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (June 8, 2017 3:16 pm)