OMG Kel how horrendously shocking!!!

I just love the list of what she'd trust more, that made me laugh out loud!!!

I love when people bring a sense of humour to their horrendous situations.

I recently attended a "beginning again" retreat and had a phone call follow up last weekend and it was lovely to hear that they found my smile and humour uplifting, that it's refreshing and welcomed among the grief and gloom some people are under. If your sister is anything like you she's of exceptionally strong character and will survive these horrendous times.

Two sisters in the one family with such narcissists????!!!!!!! You guys know how to pick 'em ;-) Not that any of us here are any better pickers of course!!! Isn't it frightening to see the level of deceit these people are capable of!!

Last edited by Foolme (June 7, 2017 8:52 am)

I'm going to reveal myself as the weirdo I am because I always think things differently than sane people, here are my thoughts:

1 - What kind of grown @$$ man writes in a diary?
2 - You have an HBO series on your hands here. You and your sister should write a script about a woman who discovers these journals and learns of her husbands crazy second life she didn't know about. It'll be a HIT!!!

My mom continually tells me to write a book.  If she knew the depths of my sister's situation, she'd abandon me altogether and tell my sister to do so, instead.  Lol.

Yes, what she's gone through has been unimaginable - even to me - and I'm here every day listening to all our stories!  About the only thing she hasn't gone through is an STD from him.  She's been tested repeatedly, and says she will be every 3 months for the next two years.  Her doctor knows all and has been very compassionate.  The first STD test she took, she cried through the whole thing.  And then they called her to tell her that they lost the swab at the lab, and that she had to come in and do it all over again.  Proof that you DO get numb to things, since she didn't shed a single tear at the second test.  All came back negative, thank GOD.

Her ex didn't really keep a journal as much as he had stuff tucked in notebooks from his counseling sessions over the years.  He'd been suicidal about two years ago, and one of the notebooks was from that time period.  He listed things he'd done in the past 10 years, in a bullet point fashion, since they'd had their oldest daughter.  It was literally all on one page: 1) had daughter, 2) incorporated business with wife (very successful), 3) emotional affair with man, 4)......  Take one pic and send off to lawyer.  Too bad our state is a no-fault state; none of it matters in the end except for his visitation with the girls.  A parent admitting to all of that doesn't get too much leeway on visitation.

The other written proof was an intake form he was going to use with a counselor.  It was 11 pages long and there were questions he had to answer.  Affairs? Yes (check).  Women? Check.  Men? Check.  Did you use protection?  Not all the time.  Percentage of time you used protection? 25%.  Did you use protection with your spouse? Never.  Did you tell these people you loved them? Sometimes.  Alcohol? Yes. Street drugs? Yes.  When last? 2 weeks ago.  The intake form was only 2 weeks old when she found it.  He'd take MANY an evening to go to AA meetings, supposedly sober for years.  He was drunk and using right under her nose.  He had a reason to escape (I need a meeting!) that she would never deny him.  The most interesting part was asking him where on a scale of 1-10 he rated his sexuality (one being straight, 10 being gay); answer? 1.  Completely straight.  But sleeping with men.  And falling in love with men.  HOW do you answer a question that way???

Sis also found a bunch of letters in one notebook that appeared to be an exercise where he had to write a letter to himself from her - saying what he thought she'd say.  Same from his mother.  And she said what she had to say was SO much worse than he ever portrayed her having to say.  While his letter did have her saying how disappointed she was in him, it also had a ton of "but I believe in you", "you're the love of my life", "I'll never stop supporting you" crap.  It's STILL all about him - always.

 I'm the oldest child among our siblings, and she's the youngest.  We're 8 years apart, and have always been super close.  Over the past 6 years or so though, we'd had lots of distance between us.  My siblings and their wives all mentioned that she just kept drifting further away from us all.  As though she were lost at sea.  One of the good things about this ordeal has been how she's come back to being herself again.  She has plenty of pain, mostly which she just doesn't share with the extended family.  But she also has plenty of relief written all over her face about him being out of her life.  Despite the fact that her girls have visitation with their dad, she has had NO contact with him due to the restraining order she placed on him after he got physically violent one day and looked like he was going to kill her.  She can see a lot of what he does, and does keep tabs on his online behavior for the divorce.  But her life is so much better overall in so many ways.  No more wondering where all the money is going (he was embezzling both from their business and their personal finances).  She is still in the throes of the divorce and he's pulling the same paycheck as she is from the business that she runs herself.  With her paycheck, she's paying for the monthly bills - the mortgage, the girls' private education, the car payment, all household utilities, and putting money into savings accounts for the girls college education.  Meanwhile, he's living with a bunch of guys in a shoddy apartment, borrowing money from his mom because he's "practically destitute".  He's telling his daughters that he wishes he could be the kind of daddy that he wants to be, but without a house to take them to (he visits at his parents' house), he can't.  But that he can't get his own place until after the divorce.  He has no job, and he's not looking for one.  Why WOULD he when he's pulling in a fat paycheck every month for doing nothing?  This business was bought and paid for by the time he met my sister.  He has done literally NOTHING to earn this money - she only incorporated after they were married and expecting their first child.  She is going to have to give him up to $100K/year in alimony for up to 5 years to buy out the business from him.  Meanwhile, he's feeling sorry for himself, dating 19 year-olds, living the life of Riley, and not agreeing to anything on the divorce papers - because why end this ride any earlier than he has to?  He blames his failed breathilizer tests on the alcohol in the cologne his body must be absorbing.

My sister and I both laugh a TON about this stuff.  And make snide remarks under our breath to each other in mixed company.  We're both sarcastic as hell, as I'm sure you can imagine. And although I've been through NOTHING compared to her, it's more similar than anything anyone else we know in person has gone through.  The messages I've had to convey to her is "It's NOT your fault", "You're beautiful and good and the reason he did this is because it is who HE is - not because of anything you've done wrong", and "This too shall pass", among others.  It's amazing how these little bits mean to her.  She said, "No one ever told me that it wasn't my fault." through sobbing.  We know there has to be a reason that we both picked men who didn't work - we think it's because our mom stayed home and my dad controlled all the money, much to my mother's disadvantage.  We went in the opposite direction.  Lesson learned.  If she can meet a man half as good as the one I've found to spend my days with, I'll be so, SO happy for her.  And she will - I just know it.  She's an amazing person, full of strength, compassion and humor.  It's practically inevitable. 

Kel

Lol the last was too funny! I'm so sorry for your sister and her pain! Wow to think sometimes we have it bad!
You should have her join this network. I think it will help. I've a feeling he's had more than one relationship with a man.
He probably only lists one....like they all do. There are probably lots more!