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1 of 1- eightsix8
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Our marriage feels like its been FULL of lies!!!
My husband and I have been together 10yrs. We both have children but none together. I found out he was bi early on adter he left a dating site logged on. We met on a dating site.. So I simply asked him to delete the account..which he did. A couple yrs later, I found another new e-mail and dating site. We talked..decided that we would try it together. I was not turned on by this idea but tried. After a few times...we mutually decided it wasn't for us and that we'd be monogamous. Being stupid and naive...I believed this.. Only to find out after 7yrs of thinking we were monogamous that he's received oral and given oral sex to 3 men...that he admits to.
I'm ready to leave. We have a perfect life...lots in common..built a home together...very successful and happy.
He thinks its find for him to meet men for oral behind my back as long as I don't find out. He's now depressed...humiliated..down on himself and in fear that he's jeopardized everything we've done and have together.
I want to work this out...but how??? No idea where to go from here.
Last edited by eightsix8 (June 6, 2017 4:21 pm)
- River
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Re: Our marriage feels like its been FULL of lies!!!
It goes without saying, but it is not ok for him to go behind your back to hook up with dudes. You wouldn't be ok with it if he was going behind your back to hook up with women. I too had what I thought was a very good life with my exwife, we too were successful and happy. Once she came out to me, I stayed by her side and tried to work through it. We did that for a year and a half but ultimately her compulsion was too much and she left. It just isn't something that can be reconciled. You say that you are ready to leave and frankly that's the right course of action. You deserve better. He is potentially exposing you to STDs, and beyond that he is unfaithful. Separating from someone you love is incredibly hard to do, but you have to remember that you did not do this, he did. You did nothing wrong. Take things one day at a time, don't do more than you can handle emotionally, and consult with a divorce attorney about the situation. I'm sorry this happened to you.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Our marriage feels like its been FULL of lies!!!
Hour marriage doesn't just "feel like" it's been full of lies. It HAS been full of lies. And that means that the "perfect life" you've thought you have...also a lie, unless your husband hooking up with random strangers for sex on the side is part of how you define "perfect." His depression and humiliation? It's not due to what he did; it's due to your finding out what he did. He was perfectly happy jeopardizing everything as long as he was getting what he wanted--which was the stability of marriage and his bits on the side.
Instead of putting yourself in his place and worrying about how he's feeling (depressed, humiliated, down on himself, in fear) I suggest you think about what you want in your marriage and from your life. If that is the husband you have, minus his cheating, your own experience tells you you won't get that, because you've never had it. You already told him once to delete his accounts and commit to the marriage, and what did he do? Abused your trust and carried on with behavior he knew was hurtful to you. He even coerced you into "trying" his lifestyle, and, when you decided it wasn't working, he continued to do what he wanted behind your back.
River is right; you wouldn't be ok with his behavior if he were so regularly hooking up with women, and this is no different. He's cheated on you, repeatedly.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 7, 2017 6:36 am)
- Kel
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Re: Our marriage feels like its been FULL of lies!!!
At one point I found a personals site (before apps) that my ex had gone to in order to find men. It was literally the day after he'd signed up - he never got anywhere. And I.was.LIVID. Here I was, BEGGING him to be with me, to love me, to desire me, to be intimate with me, and he was denying me but seeking someone else??? He never even got to talk to a single man and I felt as though I had been betrayed. Because I HAD BEEN. And you have been, too.
OoHC is right - he's not depressed and down on himself because of what he's been doing - he's acting that way because it's convenient for him right now - it gives the impression that he's disgusted with himself, and that he knows that he's thrown something important away. But he's know those things all along - it's only now that YOU know that he's showing you those emotions. Because he figures they might.just.work - on you. If he shows you what he thinks might be the behavior that exhibits sorrow over his actions, then you might give him what he wants - your forgiveness and trust. And then he can figure out from there what to do. And trust me when I say it won't be being faithful again. It will be burying the evidence deeper than ever before. If he really is sad, it's because he might lose you. And you're one hell of a beard. If he wanted to keep you forever because he cherished you, he never would have done this to you. He wants to keep you for what you give to HIM - not for him wanting to love, protect and provide for you.
If he was really sorry for what he did, he wouldn't have kept doing it before you found out. Hell, he wouldn't have done it in the FIRST place. Because it was wrong, and unfair to you, and unfair to him to be a fake person every day. But that didn't matter until you found out. Again.
I know none of us want to see someone we love hurting. But they didn't give a shit about hurting US when they KNEW it would if/when we found out. And yet we need to worry about their feelings now? WE need to coddle THEM through their pain over hurting US? Sorry, but HELL no.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (June 7, 2017 10:59 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.