Daryl wrote:

Sam - if you can "sticky" posts like this it would be awesome!
"The Script" as a sticky would be another good one if anyone has a copy.

I'd like to read "the script". Is there a link.

I found out last August that my husband of 25 years believes that he is bi-sexual.  Unlike many others on here, he has not cheated on me and says he never will.  He always had some fantasies and some kinks, but I believed that they were just that, fantasies.  He says he loves me and wants to stay married but I know he would eventually like to explore this side of his sexuality, I can't think about that happening right now and the fluidity of Bi-sexuality really scares me.  He has begun to notice men and he says it is only about the sex.  But how can he be sure once he is with a man, I don't know if I can do an open marriage and it feels wrong to deny him this side of his sexuality.  I don't want him to grow to resent me if I say I can't allow him to experiment.   I too have experienced the earth shattering pain that everyone on here talks about, the stages of grief, the PTSD the feelings of guilt, the depression, the anger.  I hate living in this limbo and hate even worse that this may last a very, very long time.  I know our chances of getting through this still married are statistically very low but I believe him and want to try.  I need others to talk to that are married to bisexual spouses.  Can this be made to work?  Sometimes I wish he was gay because I could leave, I am afraid he may decide that, "Yes, I'm gay." and I will have stayed in this far longer then I ever should have.  I am in Limbo, inside limbo, inside more limbo, trying to have hope and waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

This phrase isn't used often here but one finds it used when seeking support..

Cognitive Dissonance

Per wikipedia;

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress (discomfort) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, when performing an action that contradicts those beliefs, ideas, and values; or when confronted with new information that contradicts existing beliefs, ideas, and values.As such, people reduce their cognitive dissonance in four ways:
[list=1]
[*]Change the behavior or the cognition ("I'll eat no more of this doughnut.")
[*]Justify the behavior or the cognition, by changing the conflicting cognition ("I'm allowed to cheat my diet every once in a while.")
[*]Justify the behavior or the cognition by adding new cognitions ("I'll spend thirty extra minutes at the gymnasium to work off the doughnut.")
[*]Ignore or deny information that conflicts with existing beliefs ("This doughnut is not a high-sugar food.")
[/list]

See also amazon for the book;

Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
by Carol Tavris

The one review sums it up;
Caught cheating on your partner? Clearly, she was withholding affections and any rational person would be forced to seek satisfaction elsewhere. ..

ie,  from our point of view;  "My spouse is out with "a friend" at 2:00am..  clearly they are just friends, he/she can't be cheating on me, let me just wait up".

 

Sex is a mechanical action but is not the same as desire. Many of our spouses are (or were) of the -in denial variety and that is a difference category of person in my opinion. Someone who is bisexual should, theoretically, be about equally attracted to either sex and I would think their history of past relationships should show this to a certain extent. Gay desires only the same sex. Gay-in denial desires the same sex but maintains a relationship with the opposite as a cover. How they maintain can vary from having excuses, setting a low bar on expectations or using mental control and fantasies of men to get in the mood.

Thank you for all the info. I'm fairly new with this in my life. I can use any info and help I can get. Thanks for being there to share