MO, 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Welcome to this place.  I hope we can help you get through this hard time. 

I can't know your wife or the situation for sure, but I don't think you drove her away.  If you say that she has been with women before, then she is likely a lesbian and that is what put the divide between you.  

Tell your son that you love him and that mommy loves him, but she has to be somewhere else right now.  A 5 year old won't understand any details.  They just need to know they are loved by both parents and they are safe.  They need to be reassured that they are safe in their home, in their bed, they will keep there toys, etc..  He will adapt very quickly.  Just love him and reassure him that mommy loves his as well. 

The feeling of love is real and genuine.  It means something.  Don't feel bad for loving her still. 


Keep posting and asking questions.  We are here for you!

 

There is no way that you becoming your father (which is probably complete B.S.) drove her into the arms of women.  Sexual preference has nothing to do with what your current partner does.  If she turned into her mother, would you be driven into the arms of men???  No.  You would not suddenly be attracted and excited by the opposite sex no matter what she did.  And you know this.  She is just using that as an excuse.  Because she can't explain her switcheroo any other way without sounding like a complete asshole.  What's she going to say, that she was a lesbian all along, but thought she loved you enough to make it work?  That she thought she'd gotten past her desires, but she was wrong?  These all sound like she either wasn't honest with herself, or with you, or both.  Which is the bottom line here - she wasn't honest.  She's trying to point you away from that truth because it's a hard pill for her to swallow.  So she's convinced herSELF that there is an alternate truth that made this all acceptable.  Just because she believes it doesn't mean YOU have to.

You're not going to stop loving her just because she's hurt you.  Partially because love doesn't die that quickly, and partially because you think this is partly your fault.  It's not.  HER sexuality has nothing to do with YOU.  PERIOD.  Until you know that deep in your soul, you will continue to feel like you did something wrong, or failed her/your son.  It will take time to come to this realization.  You will have to walk through pain, confusion, anger and sadness first.  But the sooner you can try to see that her liking females and you not being one as the problem, the sooner you will be free.  I know that right now you don't WANT to be free, but I'm talking free of this pain and suffering.

Keep stopping by.  I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Kel

MO wrote:

She says it's not my fault, she has had these feelings for awhile. Mondays first counseling session for us both, individually, seems so far away. I know she loves me, she just isn't or no longer "in love" with me now.

Remember this.. it's the truth.   You will get glimpses of truth from time to time, and when you do you need to remember it. 

My ex told me this as well early on.. and it was true.   It's not my fault.   

IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Even if her tune changes at some point, always remember this. 


*after I found out my ex was cheating on me and lying to my face on a daily basis she began to change.  She felt so ashamed, but so selfish, so she began to deflect the guilt on me by making me into a bad guy.  She came up with some ridiculous accusations.  But I knew this would happen in advance, so I didn't let it get into my head.  It's called "deflection".    Keep this in mind later if she starts to make you out to be a bad guy. 


 

MO,

What's the supposed point of the counseling?  Is it to get you guys to a point where you can come to some sort of arrangement that allows you to continue on in the marriage - both happily?  Is it to get her over being a lesbian?  Is it to figure out what each of you want individually so that you can hammer out a plan?

I know that you may not have thought this far out - you may just see counseling as a logical next step.  But if what she's doing is going to counseling to get you to support her in her transition away from her, and what YOU're going to counseling for is to get the marriage back on track, neither of you will get where you want to go.  It might still be useful to be somewhere where the moderator isn't invested in an outcome, and can therefore help you reach conversation points that need to be covered.  Just be aware that a lot of times a) counselors don't have experience in the special kind of impasse that is the result of one partner being gay, or b) they plant themselves on the side of the gay spouse, focusing all the attention on them being supported by their straight spouse - when this is impossible without destroying one's self.

Kel

She wants to see if she's "just mad at you", or if she's "really a lesbian"???  They two literally have nothing to do with each other.  Not unless she's lying about her lesbian tendencies because she figures it's a way to hurt and confuse you.  Even that doesn't make sense - if I really wanted to hurt my partner, I'd tell him that I find men of all types attractive - everyone BUT him.  I wouldn't tell him that me liking him has nothing whatsoever to do with him and who he is, but is due to the fact that I like the opposite sex of who he is.

Sexuality doesn't work on anger.  You look at a picture or think of a thought - it either excites you or it doesn't.  It's not like you're like, "I'm livid with my wife.  AND I'm into beastiality.  Wait,.... do I find actually find goats sexually exciting, or am I just angry with my wife?  Huh - sure wish I could figure out my feelings about goats."  WTF?!?!?

What she's doing is trying to make you jump through hoops.  If you think that there's something you can do here, she's MORE than willing to stand back and let you knock yourself out trying.  Heck, you work on that while she goes off and tests out women.  And if you can't make her interested again, then it's YOU who's failed.  All.your.fault.  She's nailing your foot to the floor so that she can watch you chase yourself in circles while she does her own thing.  And then she'll blame you for never being able to catch her.

What kind of "pushing her away" did you do?  How long ago was this?  And for how long?  How did that resolve itself?  Did you actually intentionally push her away, or do you think you did because she's telling you that you did?  And WHY didn't she communicate it to you then?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 6, 2017 2:45 pm)