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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:12 pm)

Trunte,
   No credible scientific evidence exists to say that being transgender is chromosomal, hormonal or a "brain" thing.  Transgender activists say all these things, but they have no scientifically valid (ie, reproducible results, "blind" testing, etc) evidence for any of it.   Clearly, however, body dysmorphia/dysphoria is real.  The origins of it are not known.  It also seems clear that some people are more susceptible to this form of it--the "gender dyphoria" angle--than others, just as some people are more prone to anorexia.  The psychologists who study autogynephilia have nothing to say about its origins, but they have charted out its manifesting symptoms quite well, and propose that it is an "erotic targeting error."  Instead of loving actual women, the autogynephile focuses his sexual desire instead on a "woman within," the woman he desires to be.  Autogynephilia is classified, therefore, as a sexual paraphilia.  
   Here's the thing, though: whether what your husband is experiencing is "inborn" or "a choice," what difference does that make to whether you want to live as the wife to a transperson who considers himself in a lesbian marriage?  That is, it's not "what made him be this way" that's at issue; it's "do I want to live the life I'm being asked to live with a person who has changed the conditions of my marriage contract?"

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 2, 2017 9:45 am)

You wrote "I need to assign certain times for him to explore, so the girls and I know what to expect. Is this an unreasonable demand?"

If he is going to be dressing as a woman around your daughters I think they may need to receive professional counseling beforehand so they have can have their questions and concerns addressed. I don't know how far into puberty the older one is but she too is going to be adjusting to physical changes and figuring out how she fits in as a woman.

I have no background in psychology but I would think that having her father changing from a traditional masculine role at this time might be unsettling. Fathers have modeled masculine behavior for daughters and now as boys become more important in her life she is losing this.

A counselor who works with adolescent girls may be able to help your husband to understand your daughters' needs. The teen years are such a vulnerable time and when I was a teen MANY years ago I saw too many of my classmates entering into sexual relationships when a father was not in their lives.
Self-medicating with alcohol and other drugs also happened to numb emotional pain.

This is about so much more than a dress. 

Hi again, Trunte,

This post is making me think about mental illness.  We are getting better at identifying it, and learning what limitations a person has once they're identified as having one.  We are adjusting expectations and working on helping them figure out ways to successfully live in society.  But being a transvestite isn't considered a mental illness.  Having body dysmorphia is, but our society insists at the moment that we don't try to medicate or brainwash that away.  That instead, we let them embrace who they think they really are.  But.... if they thought they were Napoleon, they'd be crazy, right?  If they wanted to transform into a cat, they're whack-a-do.  But if a man wants to transform into a woman, that's completely reasonable?  Even if becoming a woman is based almost solely around stereotypical feminine identifyers?  How come they never transition to a woman who wears pants suits?  Lol.  How come they don't transform into a low-maintenance female who rarely does her makeup except on special occasions?  My point here is that just because they - and society - views being trans as something that needs to be embraced doesn't mean it should.  Society should let them transition.  And they should have the same rights as if they were born that sex.  Sure.  But it's not like it doesn't affect their relationships.  We need to stop acting like it's up to everyone around them to act like nothing happened.  WHY?

I find it quite amusing - frankly - how they seem to want us to accept them no matter what sex they are and how they look, but THEY don't accept themSELVES.  "You should love me whether I'm wearing stilettos or oxfords."  Fine - how about YOU love you in oxfords just as much in stilettos??  If it should mean nothing to US, then why does it mean so much to THEM?  They have no right to expect more out of us than they do of themselves.  If becoming a woman is the single most important thing in their world, then fine - have at it.  If you want something soooo badly that you're willing to lose everything for it, then.... okay.  But then stop acting like this change means nothing to anyone except themselves.  It's HUGE.  They've had YEARS (likely decades or even their whole life) to think about this and work out the outcomes.  But WE need to acclimate in 6 weeks?  Fuck that!  If they can't give you the time you need, then clearly they have decided that they are more important than you in this relationship, and their needs are more important than yours.  And there lies the crux of the problem.  We cannot be on their side when they have already decided they are firmly on their own side first.  Then it's what - both of us on their side and no one on ours?  No one to support us in this journey?  No one for us to cry to about losing the man we married?  No one to tell that we find the frills and lipstick repulsive?  I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.  If this is such a big deal to them, then they should understand it's a big deal to us, too.  If they can't or won't give us that consideration, then our marriage is irreparably flawed anyway - on a level we can't fix.

You stated that you were surprised that many of us here think that he's going to try to trick you.  We hear that a lot.  Only.... we have that opinion because of how many people here start posting and saying, "He told me X, but he's never done anything about it.", only to reveal later to us that they've found something. Or lots of somethings.  And that's because almost nothing gets to an extreme level without going through several lower levels first.  If you look at serial killers, they've often found a pattern to their past behavior.  They are sociopaths.  And sociopaths tend to have no empathy.  They often kill animals as children just to see what killing feels like.  Or to watch the look on their faces when they die.  They don't just start killing prostitutes one day.  They have worked their way up to it. Someone who steals a car has likely stolen plenty of smaller items first in order to crave a bigger hit.  Otherwise they'd fear that high level of risk.  But they've learned that they can get away with it, so they try for bigger and bigger.  It's a fatal flaw.  Being trans is no different.  You don't just tell your wife one day that you'd like to start dressing in women's clothing full time now.  You've already tried it plenty when no one's home.  Or maybe they've tried it in public by going to a motel with a duffel bag - entering as a man and exiting for the night as a female - before ever thinking that they love this enough to take it to the next level.  They know it's not accepted by society, so they have to normalize it first.  They talk to others about it - others who will accept it and spurn them on.  These are either other people who think like them, or others who find people who think like them enticing.  They have normalized their behavior by being in the company of others who find this action acceptable and enticing.  So yes, there is often a whole undercover world we know nothing about in order to get them to the point they are when we learn about them.  You may have no reason to suspect that.  But I'll bet if you went looking - just to prove yourself right - you'd find out otherwise.  It's not a definite thing, but it's pretty likely.  It's also likely he's covered his tracks well, which will make it hard to find the evidence.

We're here for you -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 3, 2017 1:22 pm)