Dear Eliza,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. 

After discovery a few months ago, my GIDH told me he was raped violently at the age of 17, two years before we met and fell in love. He has only now been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm very sorry this happened to him as his sexuality was developing. I can understand he felt safe and protected when he met me and he thought our love would help him overcome the feelings he had toward other men. But he never told me about his attraction to men. Or the hundreds of encounters of unprotected sex with men in hotels, bath houses and brothels over the next 28 years.

I'm 48 now. I have two teenage daughters, and we are the fallout of his trauma. We are the collateral damage of his rape and the subsequent three decades of his fear, denial, and dissociation. 

We didn't deserve it, and neither do you. You deserve love, love that doesn't hurt you. Love that puts you first. You deserve respect. And you deserve freedom from the torment of someone else's dysfunction, even if that dysfunction has a name. 

Sending you strength.

Last edited by stormyweather (May 25, 2017 11:12 pm)

All I know is that if giving them time and sticking by their sides would solve the problem, they would have been well by now.  They've already had from us what they continue to beg for; unconditional love, kindness, patience, dedication, time.  The fact that we didn't know they had an issue doesn't mean we weren't giving them all of that all along.

I suppose it's likely very rare, but I'm sure somewhere, there was someone who had cancer and decided to fight their way through it without telling their spouse what was going on.  It would be preferable to know what you're up against, and how you could specifically offer them support.  But you'd still be helping them the whole time anyway - even if you didn't understand why they were so sick and tired some days, or why their hair was falling out.  The only difference would be that you could PLAN on helping them if you knew what to expect, and you wouldn't be as confused about what's going on if you knew.  But you could STILL offer them rides to wherever they wanted to go, tenderness when they felt ill, patience when they had no energy, and kindness and compassion for what they're going through.  You could still have helped them through getting well even without knowing that that's exactly what you were doing.  We have been there all along, giving our spouses everything they should have needed from us to get well.  If time would have healed them, they've had decades from us.  If love would have healed them, they had it all along from us.  We gave them enough to help them heal without ever even knowing what the problem was.  But they would have us think (or feel) that NOW that we know what the problem is, the healing begins now.  All that counts is what we do NOW - after their "illness" has been revealed.  It's complete horseshit.  It's not our fault they didn't choose to work on the issue until they felt close to losing their cover.  It's not our fault they didn't come to us and tell us what was making our marriage so sick.  It's not our fault that they thought so little of us and the marriage that they chose to not only not tell us, but to cheat on us, deceive us, lie to us, gas light us, and guilt trip us.  NONE of it is our fault

They would have us think that they cannot heal without us by their sides, and that leaving them after discovery is akin to leaving them as soon as they disclosed having been newly diagnosed with cancer.  As if what we're saying is "Oh, you're sick?  I didn't sign up for sick - that's too much work for me.  See ya!"  NO.  That's NOT what this is.  If they would have done that, we likely would have tried everything in our power to heal them.  But that is NOT why we want to leave.  We want to leave because we found out (likely through our own discovery - not through admittance) that they've been unfaithful to us, endangered us, lied to us, deceived us, and oftentimes gas lighted us.  They've made themselves out to be the victim when WE are THEIR victim.  To shame us for not sticking around for more is honestly detestable.  And it's something that we do NOT owe them.  Especially when we see them continuing to lie and fuck up after swearing up and down that they'll NEVER do that thing again.  If they think that anything is forgivable and forgettable, then let them forgive us for leaving.  They did it to us before we decided we needed to do so in order to survive and protect our sanity.

We know the truth deep down inside.  So do they.  But it doesn't fit their agenda, so they need to look like there is another truth and that it is US who can't see the light.  We learn this at the age of 2, when we're covered in cookie crumbs and tell our mother that no, we have no idea who ate all those cookies.  Just deny and see where it gets you.  Ever see this happen with a two year-old?  They don't suddenly say, "Okay Mom, you got me.  I lied."  Nope - they just deny the truth more and more vehemently, expressing outrage that we don't believe them while they're sitting amidst the evidence.  THAT is our spouses.  That's their story, and they're sticking to it.  Admitting the truth will paint them as a liar on TOP of the wrongdoing we found.  And they won't be BOTH a jerk AND a liar.  They will adhere to their alternative facts until their grave.  They will tell us after we found truth that they didn't actually make good on all those ads where they talked to people about wanting to have sex with them.  Or that they didn't do more than oral sex.  Or that they didn't realize that doing those things with someone of the same sex was cheating.  Riiiiight.  Then why weren't you doing it in the living room in front of me, then?  Why'd you hide it all if you thought it was all fine?  Why did you continue to lie to me about it all when when I point blank asked you if you were cheating on me, or had fallen in love with someone else, or if you are gay?

It's all a hoax.  They have shown us who they are - the capability they have to lie to us while we give them all of ourselves.  We are chumps if we listen to a single word that comes out of their lying, deceitful mouths after discovery.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 26, 2017 10:08 am)

Keep that resolve Eliza and you'll get to where you need to be. If you ever feel you can't do it or you should stay please think of all of us who are years older and would give anything to go back and get our time over again. He won't change, he can't change so you have to change your situation for your sake! Stay strong X

One of the only things that helps is creating space.  While you don't want to be held captive in your own home, try to be wherever he's not.  If he's chilling in the family room, go to the living room.  If he's in the main living area, go outside.  It can be very difficult to do anything engrossing - like starting a new project - because you're not sure if you're going to stay in that home.  I started using my time to do things like cleaning out closets, organizing bills and paperwork, and while I was at it - separating them all.  His 401K, her 401K.  His car insurance, mine.  My birth certificate and SS card, the kids, and his.  Then when it came time for him to go, here ya go!  Here's folders of all your stuff.  Less for him to call me about later.  Everything labeled.

When I decided to divorce, we knew it would be a while (although I didn't know it would be over 2 years!) until he could get out and leave (in school, needed to start a career, etc.).  We never really argued a ton, and had always kissed hello and goodbye, and said "I love you" when leaving, or before hanging up the phone.  I told him one day that we needed to cut all that out or it would just confuse our kids.  They might not notice that we didn't say "I love you" anymore, but they would start to see the changes.  He also started sleeping on the couch.  He'd still come into the bedroom to shower, or get dressed, but he didn't hang out there any longer.  He never really did, and I always did.  So I did more of that.  I'd close the door.  My kids were 14, 10 and 7 at that time.  We all had our bedrooms upstairs.  I'd wait for them to go up to their rooms, where they liked to hang out.  I'd go up and tell them I'd be in my room if they wanted to hang out. Sometimes they'd come and lay on the bed with me and talk, or watch TV while I put clothes away or scrubbed the tub.  I was always right there, but we were no longer one big happy family hanging out together.  He stopped going to my family's holiday celebrations.  He stopped being home as much as he used to be.  At first, it was making me angry.  Until I decided that the more he was gone, the easier the transition would be on ALL of us - kids included.  I didn't like that he'd go out and stay out overnight - where am I supposed to tell the kids you are, jackass?  But all the rest of it I tolerated.  I wanted him gone, and the more often we were apart from each other, the better.  Sometimes I'd wait for the kids to go to bed, and then I'd run out to get a prescription or pick up some grocery staples.  ANYthing to get out and away from him.

I still cooked dinner for us all, which we'd sit down as a family and ate together.  I never served him, per se - it was family style and I'd just set all the plates and put the food out and we'd pass it around.  I wasn't going to tell him that he needed to eat separately, too.  He did try to act like the bedroom was his space too, though.  He'd come up and he'd just walk in.  So I started locking the door.  He'd say, "Why is the door locked?", and I'd say, "I didn't realize it was - I must have bumped the lock."  Which forced him to start knocking.  I'd ask him what was up - did he need something?  It gave the impression that you must need to be up here for some reason - otherwise get the f out.  Lol.  I didn't let him see me naked any longer.  Not that he would have cared.  But if knocked while I was changing, I'd either ask for a minute because I was getting dressed, or I'd take my things into the bathroom and dress there.  No more coming out of the shower and into the attached bedroom sans clothing.  Every little bit of that created space.  Creating space/distance let us begin to feel like we didn't need them to be around to be complete.

I'd often take the kids places on the weekends - like for an impromptu bike ride.  He never wanted to do that stuff anyway, so I just stopped asking.  If the kids asked where Daddy was (which they rarely did), I'd just say, "He didn't come".  They were young enough to not go beyond that.  I didn't say he said he didn't want to, or that I'd asked him.  I didn't tell them lies.  "He's.not.here. Hey!  Is that a squirrel?!?"  Eventually they got used to the fact that they did more with me alone than they ever did when we were all one big happy family.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 26, 2017 2:04 pm)

Abby wrote:

Eliza, your name reminds me of this poem by Harriet Beecher Stowe. It is about slave catchers prior to the U.S. Civil War:

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/eliza-crossing-the-river/

May it inspire you.

Abby, I met my husband because of the river. We were both river guides as a summer job. The river is a huge reason that I have stayed with him all this time. Your poem is strangely appropriate on many levels. Thank you.