JK:
Don't beat yourself up for not speaking out to your lawyer. You weren't aware and you weren't expecting it, so it's understandable that you didn't know how to react. But it sounds like you are much more alert to it now. Be careful to pick and choose your battles; you are right, sometimes it's going to fall on deaf ears. Don't cast your pearls before swine.

Keepinghope:
I know you asked Leah this, but if you'll allow me to share some of my story. While I was seeing my therapist, a big part of my issue was trying to prove and re-prove to myself that I had done nothing wrong, and had done nothing to create this mess. I was feeling guilty for no reason whatever, but I was still feeling it. Maybe I wanted to blame myself instead of her; my way of protecting her still; it'a a male thing; and that was probably part of it. Anyway, for quite a while I read everything I could get my hands on to try to understand a lesbian (and gay) perspective of things, ironically looking for the proof of what I did wrong, but in all that reading and exposure to new ideas, a) I was finally convinced that I had done nothing wrong, and b) that she was doing the best she could in a situation she didn't create for herself.

She didn't ask to be born lesbian into a society that condemns her for it, or a religion that consigns her to Hell for it, yet promises to reward her if she lived a lie, got married, lived a false life and ended up hurting herself and the people who love her. She didn't ask to be born into a society that got it so backwards!!  So what else was she supposed to do? From everything she had been taught while growing up, from her perspective, she was doing the right thing.

It doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, and badly, but I said from the beginning, I KNOW her, and I KNOW she is not an evil monster; I would not have married someone that I thought was a monster. She was very mixed-up, but that was done TO her, it doesn't make her a monster.  That's not to say some gay spouses are not deliberately cruel, I'm not saying that, but I am saying don't automatically leap to that conclusion in the middle of the pain and confusion.

"Test everything that is told to you, but hold onto that which is true and good."
1st Thessalonians

I wish I could remember where I read one story, the gay husband was being asked about having used his wife as a beard or a cover, and his reply was not that she was his cover, it wasn't that conscious on his part, but it was more like she was his protective shield. What we call a cover-up, he called his shield against the world, I thought that was noteworthy, same result, but such a different view from what I had previously thought.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”  - Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird.

If you know the play or movie, The Crucible, think about the position the lead character ends up in: the only way he can save his life is to give the judges the lie they want him to tell. But if he tells the truth instead, he gets hanged. That's the same position our spouses were in.  (And if you haven't seen The Crucible, by all means, do yourself a favor.... watch it.)
 

Last edited by BryonM (July 26, 2016 6:35 am)

Keepinghope:

I agree, it is ridiculous and tragic and pointless. You know that, you see it. Why he stays closeted even after Dday?  I admit that is something I don't understand, other than it is some indication of just how terrified they are. It's like trying to coax a cat down out of a tree, or something, I can't think of an analogy because I really don't get that part. If it's not about how terrified they are, then maybe it's about them trusting some people but not others. Why do they come out to some people but not others? I think of the story about the dog on the porch:

A man was out for a walk in his neighborhood, and saw an old gentleman in the rocking chair on his porch, reading the paper. At his feet his dog lay stretched out, sunning himself, but every couple of seconds, the dog would let out a howling whine. The man could hear it as regular as a clock. So he went up to the old gentleman and asked him, "What's the matter with your dog, why does he howl and whine like that?"

The old man said, "Oh, he likes to lay there in the sun but there's a nail that sticks up through the board a little bit there, and every time he takes in a breath, it jabs him and hurts him a bit."
The man asked, "Then why doesn't he lay down somewhere else, where he'd be more comfortable?'
The old man answered, "It must not hurt enough yet."

The pain has to hurt more than the fear, I guess, and he isn't there yet.

The sad thing is for the kids and grandkids, not to mention your being disconnected from loved ones too, and not by your choice. More and more I am starting to think this business of agreeing to let them keep their secret is as bad for them as it is for everybody else. It does nobody any good, and it's letting fear run the show instead of bravery and honesty. Not ideal role modeling for kids. We don't let kids do that for very long, we show them that the bogeyman isn't real, and there aren't any monsters under the bed. But how to coax these guys out and show them it's safe when they aren't ready to believe it?  I don't know...

It's almost like the Titanic, isn't it?  You can't force them into the lifeboats if they don't want to go, so at least save yourself and anyone else you can.
 

Last edited by BryonM (July 28, 2016 12:58 am)

Sorry, JKPeace! It is family of origin. His entire family would never talk about anything unpleasant. Just pretend it wasn't there and you wouldn't have to deal with it. I knew that, and I kind of liked that we never fought. But obviously things were never discussed that should have been! Now his family (my steps and in-laws) don't want to hear anything bad about him. Yes, one told me that. So that is why I didn't tell and why they can conveniently cast me as the bad player.

I am trying to just accept that as the price of my freedom from lies and deceit. It just hurts so much when I think about my grandsons. Generally I just try to focus on what is good in my life.

In response to Byron's dog story: I love it!! In my situation my GIDXH doesn't want to tell his family because he thinks they will reject him. I guess they mean more to him than I or my children do. Many times I've thought of 'spilling the beans' to his whole family in a group email. I don't think it would give me any comfort though. He was also fine with telling a few close friends but would never want people from work or his poker buddies to know. (Although they all do!). Some GID live in a closet with the door open and they don't even know it. Hiding from the truth over and over. He would do anything to not be gay. When I asked him if he was going to live with his gay lover of 17 years. He said 'He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to cozy up on the couch with him....it was said in anger. I believe my GIDXH denial hates himself.  If he bothered to reflect at all he might discover a happiness that he has been experimenting with for years. A true gay relationship with a man he loves.