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1 - Eliza
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Jumping through his hoops
It's been awhile since I've checked in. Since I said I want a divorce, my GIDH shared a story of how he was raped by three men in college and then again by the same men another time. Now his 8 years of infidelity revolving around his desires for intimacy with men are all attributed to this incident. In his head it's all a coping mechanism for PTSD. So, how could I possibly leave him? How could I possibly break apart our family when now he is on the road to healing?!
He is in therapy. I've been in therapy for 5 years for his issues. We are in marriage counseling. He's making me see a pastor with him since he's also now filled with religious fervor. He's now started medication. He's doing everything around the house he never did. He says "I love you" constantly, begs for hugs, insists I will fall in love with him again if I just give it time.
I busted him in chats with women again two weeks ago. Chats for hours about all the things he wants to do with men.
But it's ok. Because it was just a slip on his road to healing. It's all PTSD. Why can't I just accept this and let him heal and fall back in love with him?! For the kids!! For the kids.
I sleep in the spare room. I am almost always on the verge of tears when he's around. I hate that he's made me this way around my kids. Now he's insisting I need medication. It can't possibly be that he is the source of this sadness.
I have paid my retainer and have an exit plan. I'm trying to make it through family beach vacation before I let him know this. But it won't even matter. He won't let me go. He clings to me because if I am gone he will actually have to face himself. And he can't. I know that he will drag this out for as long as he can. And I just want out. I beg him to let me go. I tell him I am done. But he only hears his own words. I have never been a real person in his eyes. My opinions bear no weight with him.
- Lyonene
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Eliza,
Boy can I relate to this. The "I'm fixing it all" sentiments, the "we can repair this", the "why don't you believe me", the "it's all due to my life being so fucked up"...all of it.
Eliza, I can't really offer you anything other than I'm so sorry, and I'm right next to you. Same boat, same everything it sounds like. Even down to the "kids" (we have a two year old).
I hear you, and I feel you. 
- Rob
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Eliza, lyonene,
Slow and steady..be stoic and resolute. This takes time and is hell but it is not forever.
The rape and ptsd all of the sudden is bs. I would think if raped by a man one would gravitate toward woman and be afraid of men..either way that was no reason to hurt you over and over.
Sounds like he has more secrets too. Do what you is right.. the kids would not want a mom that is demeaned and covertly betrayed ..
I don't think you need to do anything he says or suggest. .but I will say if you need antidepressents to help handle this there is no shame in that.
A warm hug.
Last edited by Rob (May 24, 2017 11:01 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Foolme
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Eliza, from memory I think you're around the same age as my daughter and I've thought about what if this was happening to my daughter.
Please be strong for you and your children, you're being conned but I think you can see that, it's so hard to believe when you're being badgered constantly with what about the kids etc.
He was busted again within the last two weeks, if you give in to him this is only going to rear its head again in the coming years, it won't go away. You don't want to put up with these lies for another 5, 10, 15 years or even longer. Unfortunately he can't change no matter how much he's trying to fool you or maybe even fool himself. And if he's really fooling himself he'll realise down the road that he can't and eventually he'll NEED to live his true self and you won't matter then either. Please be strong and get out now while you still have plenty of years left to reclaim your own life. Keep posting and seeking support here, you can do this.
You can't buy his BS because that's exactly what it is...............BS!!
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Abby
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
And if you don't get out of this marriage you will be me, married 30+ years, no sex, separate bedrooms and a shell of the person I used to be by the time HE decided HE couldn't live in the closet he'd built. When the time was right for him - his parents dead, our children grown and a man he was madly in love with.- he left.
I am glad that you are not willing to sacrifice your life trying to prop up this sham of a marriage. Life does get better once you are out of the spin cycle.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Foolme
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
And like me Abby, married for over 28 years, no sex, he had such a wall built up around him. His primary function was to keep his double life a secret then three weeks after the youngest has moved out he accidentally let him see him on Grindr and within a week the whole family was blown to pieces. I was told a lot of the sordid details (can't say I know them all) but his double life started back in 1991. He worked so very hard to keep his secret just that, a secret, no one suspected. He never gave any indication that he was anything but straight, then when his double life was exposed he asked me what did I think was going on? How the hell did I not know? He worked hard to hide it and then when he was exposed he blamed me for not knowing and the marriage would never have worked anyway, the gay was such a small part of him, whereas I was critical, judgemental, always testing him, I was oh so hard to live with.
Eliza, my family is torn to pieces, I can't see some of the relationships ever mending. You have the opportunity to avoid all that. Boy if I could turn back time!!!!!
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Kel
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Run Eliza, RUN!!! Far and fast.
Stop begging him to let go of you. Just go and he will have to deal with it. I hate to sound cold and callous, but I mean, C'MON - you keep doing the thing wrong and you expect support because it's not as much as you USED to do wrong? This isn't weight loss, where you can slip up and eat a Ding-Dong (no pun intended!) and still lose weight if you work it off or you skip a meal. Marriage requires complete, absolute faithfulness otherwise the trust is broken. Continuing to indulge in ANY unfaithfulness - in any manner - means that he's not getting it. He either can't or won't be faithful. Either way, it's.not.enough.
You are absolutely right to exit this relationship. "For the kids" is a horrible reason to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. The KIDS live in that household, and staying in the relationship means that you're raising them in a dysfunctional household, with a dysfunctional marriage as a blueprint for their own relationships and self-worth. The kids can still have two parents - both potentially in happy homes - after divorce. To me, that possibility is much better than living in a full-time purgatory with a "complete" family.
You can do this.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Lake Breeze
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Yes, Eliza run; just like Kel said. I am one who was married for 28 years to a man who had a double life. When his parents had died, and our youngest turned 18, and he found himself in love with another man, just as those above have said, he bailed. Get out while you can, before you wind up like some of us.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- Sunflower
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Yes,Eliza,run. I am another woman married for 31 years to a GID husband. My divorce should be final sometime next month. I have never felt better about myself than I do at this time in my life. I will soon be 72 years old and I now feel happier than I ever thought I would. Don't wait until you have been married as long as some of us have been. It is hard and scary but you must do it for your sanity. I wish you happiness and peace of mind.
- Abby
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Re: Jumping through his hoops
Eliza, your name reminds me of this poem by Harriet Beecher Stowe. It is about slave catchers prior to the U.S. Civil War:
May it inspire you.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.