Hi Bec,

His words are not unexpected.  He's acting exactly the way I expected him to.  I'm sure you're not very surprised, either.  You seem to know that he's full of it.  Lol.

I'm putting his words through the bullshit translator:

1.  "It feels like your just stopping in you tracks because you didn't like what she said"
This means that instead of accepting that you don't want to feel bullied again this week, he's going to try to make this about you being oversensitive - and only working on the marriage if it's on your terms.  Well,... gues what?  We ALL work on the marriage if it's on our terms.  If the counselor said, "In order to save your marriage, you need to stand on your head all week until the next appointment.", ANYone would be like, "Ummm, NO.  That's stupid.  And that's not going to happen."  HIS counselor (because for some reason, that's what she is) telling you that your husband's behavior is NOT indicative of him being gay is HER opinion.  You disagree with her.  This is fundamental to the argument of how to proceed.  Whether he's gay or not is paramount to how counseling and fixing or giving up on the marriage proceeds.  You have a fundamental difference here.  And since that's where you're at with this counselor, it makes no sense to proceed.

2.  "You said you needed to go alone?"  No, I never said that - YOU did.  Don't try to put it into my mind as if it was my thought and not yours.  What do you think I am, an idiot?  What Iiiii need is to go to someone who is objective, not just convinced that your actions in this relationship are not indicative of who you really are.

3.  "You seem to be stuck on the gay porn??  Ummm,.... YEAH I'm stuck on the gay porn!!!  It's not benign.  Combined with the CL ads, it's just more proof of what's going on in his mind.  If YOU were answering CL ads and looking at porn that matched that, it'd be indicative of you liking that thing.  DUH.  Again, he's asking you to believe lies because you can't "prove" that they're lies.  But 1 + 1 = 2.  If he never did either of the 1's, there'd BE no 2.  His fault.

4.  "You keep bringing up the Craig's list ads.  That was 4 or so years ago.  It's like you think I acted on it."
First off, tell me more about the ads.  Was there proof that he just perused the ads, or was he responding to them?  If the latter, then what was he saying?

5.  "Is it the anal sex?  Lot's of straight men like to have anal sex with their wives".  This is him trying to make it look like you have insignificant reasons for thinking there's a problem.  The anal sex - to you - ONLY when he's drunk - means that he's only showing you what he really wants when he's compromised.  And when you combine it with gay CL ads and gay porn, you start to see a picture here.  It's NOT the anal sex.  It's the anal sex in addition to all the other actions that start to tell you what he likes.

6.  "Is it because I like oral?  Lot's of straight men like to receive oral sex from their wives"  NO.  Oral isn't the problem.  The problem is that you respond to gay CL ads, you watch gay porn, you only want anal when you're compromised, AND you seem to prefer closing your eyes while getting oral to actually having vaginal sex with your wife.  It's a complete picture here.

7.  " I understand that you had addressed this before but you never REALLY addressed it.  I knew it was a problem before you busted me, I just didn't know how to quit, but you helped give me the courage or urgency"
I NEVER should have HAD this problem to address.  This is YOUR issue - you admit to knowing that even before I busted you.  But now it's MY fault that I didn't "truly" address the problem???  I didn't create "urgency" - I created panic - because you knew once I found out what you were doing, it was going to be a HUGE problem.  And STILL you didn't fix it?  The only thing creating urgency here is me finding out who you really are.

8.  "I feel like now that I'm in the middle of my storm you are leaving me instead of supporting me."  Well, feel whatever you want.  Iiiii feel like you've already abandoned me, and you want to somehow be the victim now.  And make ME the bad guy for not helping you in your time of need.  This isn't YOUR time of need - it's MINE.  This is akin to a rapist saying that he has a raping problem, and why won't his victim support him in overcoming his rapey ways?  It's complete bullshit.

Bottom line is that he's destroyed your trust, and he didn't stop his illicit behavior until you CAUGHT him.  Then it became a big deal - because he knew you'd react in a big way to his behavior.  He'd like to make you believe that he's stopped this behavior, so now there's no problem.  The problem is that the behavior existed in the FIRST place.  If he admits that he knew it was a problem before you found out, then what he's admitting is either a) It was SUCH a problem that he couldn't stop, or b) He could have stopped, but he didn't.  WHICH is worse?  If the explanation is a, then why should you think that he's able to stop his racing mind now?  If it's b, then why would he not stop problematic behavior until AFTER it hurt you?

You do not owe it to him to stick by him after he cheated on you.  You just.... DON'T.  And he's an asshole for implying so.  Proving that he's still being selfish.  He's NOT owning any of his behavior, or apologizing, or showing you through his transparency that he will never do such a thing again.  Just.... believe him.  Have faith in him.  Stand by him.  Well, that's what HE was supposed to be doing for YOU. And he didn't.

Kel

On the contrary - I think you understand his brain very well.  He just won't admit anything that impairs his image.  Because he's scared of the fallout of that.  Always has been, otherwise he would have explored this much earlier in life and come to terms with it.  It's how our society was.  But he's throwing you under the bus because he can't handle the stress himself.

And this B.S. about "I found you attractive but just didn't know how to show it" - yeah, that's ridiculous.  My ex used to say something similar when I told him that he never complimented me - never made me feel seen.  I'd say, "Why can't you tell me when I'm all done up that I look nice?", and he'd say, "I don't know how to do that!"  The Fuq? You say, "YOU LOOK NICE".  This ain't rocket science.

Men don't need to think about or figure out how to show their desire toward women.  They may need to think on how to tone it DOWN a bit, so they don't scare the women or intimidate them.  So that's the OPPOSITE problem.  He is literally telling you that he didn't know how to show you desire when he started a relationship with you, MARRIED you, and had children with you - but didn't know how to show desire?  No, it's that he couldn't FEEL desire - because he likes men.  He just didn't know how to FAKE IT.

Kel

P.S. - St8 men NEVER go look at what other gay men want - out of curiosity.  They have plenty of other sexual urges to satisfy - they don't need to throw the ones in there that make them sick, too.

I swear - they must think we're freaking idiots to believe the lies they conjure up.  How dumb do you think I AM?!?!?

 

It just amazes me how the stories always have so much in common. 

We also didn't have sex for months and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. 
Never and I mean never had he complemented me or told me that I was beautiful.   The closest I ever got was that's a nice shirt.   

It stupid really when I sit back and look at it all.

• Interesting Bible point of view: Notice how they 'act and continue this distructive course:

2 Peter: 2 -But these men, like unreasoning animals that act on instinct and are born* to be caught and destroyed, speak abusively about things of which they are ignorant.+ They will suffer destruction brought on by their own destructive course, 13 suffering harm as their reward for their own harmful course.They consider it pleasurable to indulge in luxurious living,+ even in the daytime. They are spots and blemishes who revel* in their deceptive teachings while feasting together with you.+ 14 Their eyes are full of adultery+ and are unable to desist from sin, and they entice unstable ones.* They have a heart trained in greed. They are accursed children. 15 Abandoning the straight path, they have been led astray. ROMANS 1:1- That is why God gave them over to uncontrolled sexual passion,+ for their females changed the natural use of themselves into one contrary to nature;+27 likewise also the males left the natural use of* the female and became violently inflamed in their lust toward one another, males with males,+ working what is obscene and receiving in themselves the full penalty,* which was due for their error.+28 Just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God,* God gave them over to a disapproved mental state, to do the things not fitting.+ 29 And they were filled with all unrighteousness,+ wickedness, greed,*+ and badness, being full of envy,+ murder,+ strife, deceit,+ and malice,+ being whisperers,*30 backbiters,+ haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, schemers of what is harmful,* disobedient to parents,+ 31 without understanding,+ false to agreements, having no natural affection, and merciless. 32 Although these know full well the righteous decree of God—that those practicing such things are deserving of death+—they not only keep on doing them but also approve of those practicing them.

So this has been going on and a patterrn of today. Thankfully we have someone watching it all and knows. These mentioned have chosen to not change and so it goes...
There is a payback..but it may need to come from the Highest power. 
YES!!!!