Angry,

I am so so sorry.      He must be smoozing your daughter indeed to estrange you from her..   Your daughter
is definitely at fault if she goes to all these things and doesn't want her mom around.

You will never get an admission from him and your daughter is without empathy..     it does not mean either of them is morally right.   Your daughter may go through this someday (pray  she doesn't) and then she may understand the pain.    But the anger will eat you up..  I know because my ex is still angry and  my kids are feeling her wrath...it breaks my heart.    It takes all my strength to say shes still your mom and deserves respect.  Will she do the same for me...dont know.   I  refuse to become like her though.  Maybe my house will become a place of refuge for them when they are older...don't know.

Let your daughter go for now and try to find some peace..She cannot give you that peace right now at this point in her life. She is really a teenager in mentality now..she does not realize she will need you in future .  Maybe your both hurt or angry now but its just for now.   I thank God my parents were there to help me through TGT... if I have no purpose on this earth ..I would like to be there as my parents were when my kids lives seem like they are falling apart. That is what a parent is...not who threw them the biggest party or brought them the most stuff.   I guess what I'm trying to say is our kids will never understand what we went through...we need to somehow find peace on our own.    I really dont want the kids to know my pain..it is not "theirs" or at least at this point in their life can do nothing for them.

Let her go..just for now.     This is going to sound silly but if it were me I would go to yoga class and try to get my mind off of the ex and, yes my  daughter.  ..just for now.    You need to be there if you ex's money runs out and your daughter comes crawling back to you..

 

Still Wondering wrote:

This is why I 100% disagree with your therapist!   How do you expect your daughter to not be angry with you when the ONLY thing she knows is that you broke up the family.  She has no other reason to think anything other than this is YOUR fault!  And your ex is going to reinforce this forever.  No way in hell could I let my family think it was all on me.  Little kids maybe, but not grown children, no.  Just hell no. 

Yeah I'm not saying keep the secret...sure go ahead ..tell a teenager minded daughter just getting married that her father who just smooozed and impress the her future inlaws..hurt you..and kept hurting you.

Its likely she won't believe and may not care which hurts more.

So we can tell..but I don't think we can control how the daughter feels..I'm not sure we will find piece from the kids..at least not now. 

Hurtful kids are probably the worst thing about TGT..because we did nothing wrong ..but its not like we could stay in an abusive marriage. What would the kids have left if we stayed..an abused parent...my kids actually saw that.  Not the way anyone can live.

I really think that as adult children, its a lot different than if they aren't.  I can only imagine that if you never tell her and when she finds out, she may ask you, in anger even, why you never told her.  Life is waaaaayyy too short to miss years of relationship with your kids for him??  Fuck that!
I didn't think I would tell my kids.  I ended up telling one because she was so worried about WTF was going on.  Yes,she is in shock.  But, yes, she still loves her dad (as do I) but she told me she's so happy I told her because she knew something was wrong but had no idea so she was constantly worried or angry.
Good luck.  Don't let his pillarhood have anything to do with your decision. This is your truth now.

Shari, I over think too, I totally get where you're coming from and what you're saying.

Angry, what if the scenario that Shari mentions happened, can you imagine the guilt your daughter would feel if she found out AFTER that you were protecting her and her siblings all along. Surely that would make her life moving forward a lot more difficult.

These situations are so beyond crazy, you actually would wonder what the author was on if you read it all in a book! Many friends of mine say to me there's a book in there somewhere but then we laugh and say no one would believe you, it'd have to be in the fiction section!!!

Angry, therapist aside, what do YOU feel in your gut is the right thing to do?

Angry,
   As you weigh your choices about disclosure to your children, have you considered that you might be doing more damage to your relationship with them by trying but failing to suppress your anger and resentment and then "confronting" them than you would if you sat them down and disclosed to them, reasonably, why you divorced their father?  As is, they have absolutely no way to understand your anger and behavior; they don't have a context into which to put it or by which to explain it.