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May 20, 2017 6:01 am  #1


Married 30 years. I found out my husband has booked himself in a men only gay hotel for two nights. He was going to visit his brother  for his birthday  & meet up with a friend he's not seen for 30 odd years. He told me he could only get 1 bnb for a night then would switch to another. He was telling me about this but I didn't know of them since its his home town. Anyway when he was in the bath I thought I have a look see where he's staying. I shouldn't have but I looked at his emails.We don't have anything to hide anyway. (Never have I done this before) One of the places sounded grand. However my husband had stated his was single and included his age & that he was looking forward to it with a smiley face. This was most odd. So I looked at the website & was so shocked. Had he booked in error not knowing it's gay. If it's men only do they supply women? Why's he state he's single when we've just celebrated our 30th wedding. Why's he single? Also he had booked this as the 3rd hotel unknown to me on the day our daughters going on holiday but we would have expected him home. So I expect he would say he stayed elsewhere for another couple of nights.This led me to check his history which had been cleared but not deleted. He had looked at mature big boobs.Then gay old men wanking? Then looking at craigs list  & gay pubs etc locally then gay camping holidays.. I was shocked. I tried not to say anything & couldn't stop myself. I said something like I'm sickened & shocked by what I saw.  This sort of history was just over 2 days the other history was ok.(Then he would know I've Checked his tablet..)I also had deleted the email for the gay hotel. I cried to myself feeling heart broken & distorted. Anyway the next night I said if you're saying your single then let me know & Ill be single too. When I asked if he knew it was a gay hotel he said its a retreat & I replied just be honest, where it's men only & clothing's optional & it's also famous. I asked if he's gay he said no & said he fancies women but as men have always come on to him he was a little curious. He also said he wasn't sure he would be brave enough to stay there. Anyway I cried he got upset & said he won't stay there. Went to bed separately but my heart was pounding I was so fraught. After a while weirdly you may think I though I would check he's ok & ask to hug him & also calm my erratic heart beat. Weirdly he said he thought his chest was hurting like he may have another heart attack.( He had one 2 years ago.) I said I don't want sex just a hug for both of us. We ended up being sexual & loving & he said I'm the only one for him. Not once did he criticise me looking at his emails. He said its so weird in 30 years he's never done this & I found out & he's glad I did as it was just a curiosity that he's not actioned. I think he should try it out as wouldn't like to think we stay together with theses feelings being repressed etc. One minute I'm ok then I'm not. It's feels worst than thinking of going with other women to me as I can't compete with a man. Your views?


May 20, 2017 11:59 am  #2

Re: confused.com

Sorry to hear this is happening. He is not being honest. You were able to figure out it was a gay hotel, he knows it is too. Seems he is going out of his way to visit, lying about his marital status and pumped to be going, then trying to cover this up in his browser history.

In my opinion no straight man wants to go stay at some sort of gay hotel/retreat because sometimes other guys give him a "look". Also keep in mind that if you are ok with him going, you are giving him permission to continue this activity.

How do you know he's never done this before if he's been deleting history? I doubt this is something that just happened two days ago after 30 years of marriage. Most of us sadly discovered there was more to the story than the one part we found out about. Has he had opportunity in the past? (Work travel, separate vacations, etc.)

Remove the "gay" from the incident. What if he were planning to stay at some swinging singles hetero type nudist resort? When you said "if you're single then let me know & I'll be single too" that was the right attitude in my opinion. You have every right to be upset with this and it sounds like he is backpedaling to try to sweep this under the rug with talk of curiosity, medical issues and protestations of love.

You deserve the truth, if you get it then you can decide how to move forward with YOUR life. If you don't get it - you're still allowed to decide how to move forward.

p.s. - you are correct that you can't compete with a man (or with a women for those of us who are male straight spouses). That's the one truth we all face in this.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

May 20, 2017 3:01 pm  #3

Re: confused.com

Then gay old men wanking? Then looking at craigs list  & gay pubs etc locally then gay camping holidays

He said its so weird in 30 years he's never done this & I found out & he's glad I did as it was just a curiosity that he's not actioned

He's never done this...but knew right what to search, where to go online, and had four different gay centric items starting with porn and ending with actual meet-up places he was booking?

His thin flimsy "I've never done this" stacked against everything is completely absurd.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this painful place.


May 20, 2017 3:31 pm  #4

Re: confused.com

He's.LYING.  He's already slept with men.  No man starts his first time by visiting a famous gay, nudist hotel.  That's advanced user stuff, hon.

You were dead on with the attitude of "If you're single, I'm single".

Do NOT give him permission to explore.  Would you do that if he was pursuing women?  This is WORSE.


Last edited by Kel (May 20, 2017 3:31 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

May 20, 2017 4:24 pm  #5

Re: confused.com

It might be a good idea to get yourself tested for all sexually transmitted diseases since you have been intimate with him. His explanations sound totally bogus to me and your health is too important to risk by relying on his words.

I don't know the divorce laws where you live but if  you sanction his sexual activities outside the marriage you will have a difficult time trying to use his behavior as grounds for you to obtain a  divorce.decree.  You may not be ready to cross that bridge yet but now his secret is out he will just become more clever about hiding his activities and throwing some crumbs of attention/affection your way.

I like your spunk. Don't let him play you like a violin.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

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