Okay - couple of things, Bec.

1.  Even IF your husband could resist all actions with regards to anything that feels like cheating to you (gay porn included), it would NOT mean that he wasn't thinking about it in his mind.
2.  Even if he could somehow abolish any and all thinking about men, it wouldn't mean that he'd desire and cherish and love and protect YOU.  For me, that was the biggest thing.  No matter how my ex did or didn't feel about men, I was certain that he didn't feel much for ME.  And I deserved to be married to someone who felt passionately about me.  I didn't think him not cheating was enough - I'd had that all along as far as I was concerned, and it wasn't enough.
3.  Your pastor's attitude is not correct.  If Christ proved anything to us, it's that our lack of belief in what Christ said he'd do doesn't change a thing.  He was born of a virgin, He was God in-person, He was sinless.  He produced miracles.  He was killed and rose again - just for OUR well being.  Not because we believed He would - but because He SAID he would.  There are millions of people the world over who refuse to accept His love and forgiveness, but that doesn't alter the fact that He did and continues to do what He said he would - no matter how impossible.  His actions were based solely on His love, compassion and mercy for / toward US - not on our behavior toward Him.  I don't like my kids half the time (they're all teenagers), but I LOVE them.  I keep doing things for their well-being because I love them - NOT because they deserve it from their behavior.  It is because of my love for them that I can see the rolling eyeballs, hear the muttered words after I chastise them, or whether chores being done poorly.  Because I WILL persevere - for THEIR sake - DESPITE them.
4.  It's okay to say, "I don't believe you" when he lies about how he got to men on his Periscope account.  You do NOT need to eat the rotten seafood just so you don't hurt the sushi restaurant owner's feelings.  It's up to YOU what you ingest, and not believing someone is being honest with you does not make YOU a bad person.  Go read Matthew 23 and see how Jesus is telling everyone about how the Pharisees exalt themselves above others, but are hypocrites, because their hearts are black.  He calls them a brood of vipers - they are not interested in others' well-being, but only of how they themselves are viewed.  It's okay to say that you see through a lie, and call it such.
5.  It is okay to decide at some point that you're.... done.  That you no longer trust, that you can't see yourself ever getting back to that point (especially since he refuses to be honest about his problem), and decide that you're done.  NO ONE needs to agree with your timing - not your family, not your ex, and certainly not your pastor.  If you're done, then say it out loud and be done with it.  I'm not pushing you to get to that point.  I'm simply saying that you have the RIGHT to make this decision, and you have the right to say when you've made it that it's not up for debate, nor will you be changing your mind, nor will you be made to feel guilty for your choice.  Your ex HAD to know that he'd been in deep water if he ever got caught at his underhanded proclivities, so don't let him treat you as though your reactions to his actions are shocking.  They are not.  If he thought the things he was doing were okay, he wouldn't have hidden them.  And then lied to cover them.  He KNOWS how serious this stuff is.  Don't let him act like he can't believe that he doesn't have your support and belief - you might give him both if you believed he was owning the problem and was truly going to work on the issue.  And that's only if you felt that you could get past it and trust again if he did that all correctly.  You have no obligation to believe him, you have no obligation to give him another chance.  You have an obligation to forgive.  To forgive does not mean that we continue to put ourselves in harm's way, though.  That's just called foolishness.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 3, 2017 10:33 am)