No hiker..  we get it.  We're suddenly alone as if we did something wrong.  We gave all that we have and all that we are to this other person..they gave us validation and yes love.  But they discarded and rejected us now.

Its not us..we did nothing so wrong.  Their rejection makes us think we did something wrong but that is just another lie.  This we know in our bones.  In a normal person their rejection could mean we offended them or did something wrong..but here we did not..it's that they are not normal.

I see kind authentic people on the forum here.  People that give strong fierce authentic love.. I see spouses that rejected that love for ..sex with the same sex?.
In my exs case the emotional support she got from her girlfriend was validation that everything my ex was thinking and doing was moral and ok..ie..he is a bad husband because you had to ask him to take out the trash ..yes he is..

I say we give our strong fierce love to ourselves, our kids, others. These spouses are no longer the recipients of our fierce and absolute love.  They have forfeited all rights privelages and entitlements to our fierce love.  As a small example...my kids get an instantaneous reply if they contact me..absolute reliability and dependability.  My ex if she contacts me...no reply..nothing..except a belated reply unless it hurts the kids.  She is entitled to none of my reliability and dependability.  This is not mean or unchristian or  unforgiveness...she had all this from me but she rejected it...caused massive hurt and destruction demonstrating how much she didn't want it/me.  Still will cause hurt and be mean even if I am kind.

   I can give more examples if you like...for example; I helped my dad fix his lawn mower..I showed up on time and he had the benefit of all my skills.  If my exs lawn mower breaks..I feel bad...but even if I were to help I'd would be subjected to more hurt..no she'll have to ask her girlfriend to fix it (maybe they can both scream and rage at it and call it names).

I urge you to think of your good qualities and ask yourself "was I so bad to be married to?".  Then ask yourself who is now entitled to those qualities.

Last edited by Rob (May 10, 2017 6:02 am)

Hi Hiker,

how are you going?

I read all the rest of this thread yesterday since I chimed in way back near the beginning and it really helped me as I was having a tough day.  It's comforting to know you aren't the only one feeling like crap.

at 62 years old I am feeling my age and then some.  Hope you are going better.





 

Hiker
It sucks and it's a long road to haul. But just do your best to put one foot in front of the other every day. Try to stay positive which I know is easier said then done and just know there are other people walking on that same road with you. There are also people who have already walked it and have come out of it better and stronger then they ever were before.

Hiker, hang in there! What I keep telling myself on my bad days are this has to be better than being used or being held in their closet against your will. Without going back over your entire thread I think I recall she confided in you before acting on her desires (apologies if I'm wrong on that). That showed respect, you can't change what's happening, I see so often these positivity quotes where it says if you can't control what's happening you can control your reaction to it.....or words to that affect. Sometimes I get what they're saying, other times I want to fling the phone against the wall but I get what it means.............doesn't make it easier on the bad days though. Just remember you'll improve little by little, day by day, be kind to yourself and allow the self indulgent days too, taking them now may save you later

Hiker, there's lots to talk about.  None of it terribly comfortable but it helps so here goes.

I don't believe your wife.  I don't believe I just don't.  Read between the lines and the point she moved into the spare room was already past the point where she became active - at the minimum talking about it with other lesbians.  For sure I'm guessing a girlfriend behind the scenes when she told you and no she's not the confused one, she's the one spreading confusion.

It might be better to be angry with her instead of yourself - you did nothing to deserve this.

From what I see the lesbians pick the best men as husbands.

And it's common, Hiker.  I look around and so many marriages have a straight with that confused look in their eye.

So onto next uncomfortable topic - your sense of having been rejected a lot.  Talk about it if you can, think about it you must - try and analyse it - be uncompromisingly honest with yourself.  Even if it means you need to entertain hope of a future with the right partner.

go through your memories with a fine tooth comb.

and I just want to add be careful out there, don't let anyone sweet talk you into anything and wait for the dust to settle - it will get better from here.  

all the best, Lily.