"We have been together since we met at school aged 18. Married now for 20 years"

"She has been to an LBGT meet up group '

"I realise what she's after here is something that I just can't supply."
Stavors,

While I commend her for being honest  I wish you luck.     My ex was definitely having an emotional and physical affair.  She stopped coming near me....not just sex but would not hold my hand, hug, or kiss me.
She stopped talking to me;  yep, I was not worth even talking to.

I think your body will tell you if you can live with your wife like this.   Will she stop coming near you physically?   If she goes out with girlfriends is it friends getting together or date?      Does she feel she is hurting you or doesn't care.

I found I could not live like this...it was totally demeaning...I was basically being treated like garbage..a stranger on the street was treated better..  not what I signed up for.   not what we promised each other.
 

Hi Stavros,

Welcome. I'm sure some of the responses you've read here have scared you.  But I will say that at least at face value, your story seems different than so many others here (who had spouses cheat).  Your wife is being honest with you, which is a gift compared to what most of us had.  That being said, this is likely confusing you, and I can understand that.
s
Now, let me ask you this.  If you wife came to you and said, "Honey, I'm really into setting my partner on fire during sex - it's a huge turn-on", and you of course were like, "Yeaaaaaah, that's not for me", would you feel that it's your responsibility to let her go have sex with someone whom she could set on fire, just so she could be completely sexually fulfilled?  I'd think the answer would be no.  What about if she came to you and admitted that she had a crush on this other guy, and she sometimes thinks about what it's like to have sex with another man.  Would you be like, "Okay, cool.  Go for it - as long as there's no strings attached."?  I'd think your answer would be no to that, too.  So why is THIS any different?  Why is her desire to have sex in a way you can't provide a NEED that you feel obligated to fulfill?

If we could all have sex "no strings attached", the world might be a much easier place to live in.  We could all do what we wanted sexually, and come home to the one we love and nothing in our lives would be changed (except the fact that your spouse knows that they no longer are the only one who gets that intimacy with you).  But we can't KNOW that's what we'll wind up with - even if that's the intention on all sides from the outset.  I tried it once, when I was young.  I had a lover.  He had a fiancee.  She didn't know.  I figured I'd just sleep with him until he married.  I liked him a lot, and maybe we could have dated if we'd met at a different time in our lives.  I knew not to get attached - there was nothing but heartache in it for me.  HE was already in love with someone else, so I was sure there'd be no issues there.  I was wrong.  A few weeks before the wedding, I confronted him in bed one day.  "Are you sure you're really wanting to marry this woman?  You don't seem fully committed to her."  His response was that there were already 400 people invited to the wedding - he couldn't back out now.  But that he did love her.  And he thought it best if we stopped seeing each other after that day.  Agreed.  So we did.  Back then there was no cell phones or texting.  I wasn't about to go calling his house.  We were done, and I respected his commitment.  About a month went by.  Then one Saturday I was at home and he called me.  Said that he needed to come over and talk.  I told him okay - he'd sounded horrible.  So he did.  I expected to hear that his grandmother had died or something (my own had just passed).  I went to sit on my bed, expecting him to sit down next to me (I had a roommate and that was my only private place).  Instead, after I sat down, he got down on his knees and put his head in my lap.  I'd never seen him like this.  "What is it?" I asked.  He said, "I can't do this without you."  I said, "Do..... what?"  "Life.  I can't go on without you."  I was thoroughly confused. I told him I didn't understand.  He told me that despite all his trying to the contrary, he had fallen in love with me, and didn't realize how much until I was out of his life.  I asked him if he was going to divorce his wife.  He looked at me like he was confused, and said, "No.".  Well, WHAT did he want from me??  He wanted to continue on.  I was fulfilling him sexually in a way that she couldn't.  And he couldn't be happy without that.  I said no.  I mean, what the actual fuck, ya know?  No, I wasn't willing to let her have the house and the car and the holidays and the babies, while I got him when it was convenient.  Hell no.  He left dejected.  He continued to call me - for YEARS.  I'd gotten married a few years after he did, and had a child.  He would call up and say, "Are you alone?", and I'd say "No".  He'd just continue on as if I'd said yes; "I need to see you".  I'd say, "No, I'm sorry, I think you must have the wrong number", and hang up.  Now, that scenario was set up from the get-go to be no strings.  It even had an end in sight.  And it.didn't.matter.  There IS no assurance that you won't "catch feelings" - especially when that person sexually fulfills you in a way that your spouse can't.  It's practically a doomed scenario.

You need to think about why you feel like you need to let her have a side chick.  Is it because you love her and want to make her happy?  Would you make HER happy at the cost of your marriage?  Would you put an individual desire above the good of the union?  If one of you has something that they're not having completely fulfilled, can the marriage survive?  Can the marriage survive if it's not monogamous?

Kel

Thanks so much for the replies so far. 

In the past we have always had a very monogamous outlook (we are not religious BTW) - my wife has a slight jealous streak which she freely admits (although much less so these days), and has always in the past been pretty clear that if I ever strayed it would be curtains for us. She was the first and only person I have slept with - a lot of people find this odd but we've always been so happy it's never been an issue. And to be honest it's still not. I have no desire to go and sleep with another woman although obviously I still find other women attractive (like she does - in fact we have had some interesting chats about her type which I can now spot. Think Ygritte from Game of Thrones - we both agree on her). 

She has never been averse to watching porn together (although it's infrequent) and we talk about what turns her on - she admits it involves women but there is often a man present towards the end (I have to trust her on this one I guess!). Since this started we have watched some girl/girl porn perhaps 2 or 3 times and predictably she enjoyed it (as did I - to be honest women's bodies are just more attractive than men's, full stop) - and the sex was great afterwards. 

We have spoken about her experiencing sex with another women for real. Discussions re going to Amsterdam for the weekend (we are in the UK) were offered - i.e a threesome - but I knew she was really just suggesting this for my benefit so although potentially fun I don't think it would really help. In some ways I'm in a bit of a no-win situation. If I give her the green light then all the risks Kel and Bob have outlined are definitely real, I realise that and I think she probably does too. I couldn't live with not knowing, so I'd insist on the details and I really don't know how I'd deal with that! If I put my foot down and say 'no' then will it cause resentment? She says not but long term it's hard to know. To be fair she has actually said that if I don't want her to anything then she won't, and she has explicitly said that although she thinks she's bi, it doesn't change how she feels about me and that I really don't need to be worried about 'us' at all. The way she has been acting this last 6 months tends to back that up.

Kel's last paragraph gets to the heart of it. I think our marriage is immensely strong (although no doubt others have thought this too...) and to some extent, yes, I would do pretty much anything to keep her happy. The marriage might fail if she has a 'fling', it might fail if she doesn't and the lack of a bi experience burns away at her soul. Without a crystal ball I have no idea! This, Bob, was a great way of putting it too though I guess:

In terms of being her honest and true to who she really is - to put it bluntly, is being a bisexual woman who sleeps with women more important to who she really is than being exclusive with you? If her answer to this is yes, is that something you can live with?

Has anyone seen/read this? Very much from the other side of the fence. 

*Was going to post a link but need 2 posts - will post separately!* 

We read this together and it brought my wife to tears. I guess we have navigated points 1-5 and are at 6. 

I feel so much better for just writing all this down. Thanks again for the very balanced and considered replies



 

Last edited by stavros (July 29, 2016 9:48 am)

Stavros, your last comment was a link "How to support your bi spouse"....yes, there are many sites, books, blogs, forums on that very matter. What about supporting YOU!!!????? And your deep, honest, authentic wishes? Are you whole heartedly okay ith your wife wanting to step outside the marriage to have sex? forget about it being 2 beautiful women having a romp, it is an extra marital affair she is asking for your blessing on, after all, you're already okay with her being 60% not committed to YOU. How does it REALLY feel to be in the bottom 40%? 

I know this is not kind, but from personal experience I can see the justifications on both your parts. She'll justify to see how far she can push it (& KNOW there is ALWAYS more to come!! It's a fact that is well documented on here) And you'll justify it in your heart & mind because u r scared. I get it! But please know, just because she has been honest (I doubt she's telling you the whole truth), doesn't mean it's all okay. 

My husband was "honest & noble & brave" for telling me he was a 'part time cross dresser the moment we met. It was just something he had a part time interest in, nothing more. You give them the green light & they take another 60% of your relationship away. Before you know it, you aren't even in the 5 percentile. 24 years later Stavros & I don't know how the fuck I got to the place where my now formerly masculine, loyal, sincere husband is 90% female when he's not working, complete with silicone tits n ass, wigs galore, full make-up, dresses only & engrossed & emotionally commited to being his/her alter ego. I also said "Thanks for being open & honest & I love appreciate you for your honestly & respect to me to 'ask permission". It NEVER ends well, unless you are okay with being in the 5%. 

and for the record, Women as a species, do NOT suddenly have bi/lesbian curiousities when they turn 40. Where ever you read that, whoever told you that, is FULL OF SHIT & can't be trusted! They have another agenda that is not looking out for you, the spouse & certainly does NOT speak for the rest of us women. I am very pro LGBT rights btw, I simply don't like deceit, no matter what gender/interest it's coming from.

I encourage you to put yourself on the TOP of the priority list, alongside your wife of course, just not underneath her, or anyone else, other than your children. You deserve authentic, honest love as much as she does.

Take some time to read thru the threads here, with a third set of eyes, not just yours or your wifes & see what you are comfortable with now & 20 years down the road.

Wishing you love & bravery,
 

Hi, Stavros,

Welcome and so glad you are here. This place has been a lifeline for me. I feel like my experience with my husband's coming out parallels so much of what you've written. Our sex life improved dramatically when he told me he was bi and I was so hopeful and excited for our future.

Looking back he was trying to see if enough sex with me would make his SSA go away. It didn't work. He went down the path of finally asking me what I thought about him having encounters outside of marriage. I drew a line in the sand and then he left me. We are in the process of a divorce.

I don't believe sex exists without strings attached. Especially sex outside the bounds of a marriage that involves one of the partners. 

I so feel for you. I can tell you love your wife very much. I felt much the same way. This is a painful process. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds, but from the way your wife is talking, I believe a same sex encounter is going to happen and she will not stop until it does. And that will most likely not be a one time thing.

Hang in there. Think about what you want. Keep talking to her. Keep talking with us.

Best,
Sue