Hi Kate,

Your first question, Dr Francine Barbetta wrote a book A Pebble in his Shoe (I've just finished reading it), she was a straight spouse and her husband committed suicide some years after he was out and in a committed relationship with a man. Also I've spoken with someone in my physical world and on hearing my situation she proceeded to tell me the story of a friend of hers. We'll call the couple Jack & Jill, they were childhood sweethearts, both into appearances, both model type people who loved the material life, they got married and after about 15-17 years they separated never having any children. This friend met Jill a number of years after this and she told her about the separation and that Jack was gay, my friend asked when she'd found out etc.......on their wedding night, she said why do you think we never have kids, they'd decided to stay married but Jill's one rule was that he never bring anyone into their home. She arrived home early one day and there he was with a "friend" in THEIR bed, that was the end of the marriage for her! They both found new partners, Jack & Bob and Jill & John, they met up for drinks and stayed in each others houses for weekends etc and all looked good but about 15 years after Jack left the marriage he committed suicide, he never wanted to be gay!

Question 3, do you want to live your life being afraid to go do things on your own for fear of what might happen while you're gone? Staying put is no guarantee that he won't stray again either.

I agree it is a rough road.................way tougher than dealing with a death I imagine.

Hope I was of some help

Last edited by Foolme (May 14, 2017 4:31 am)

Question 2;  no I never confronted the girlfriend of my gidx.  I actually gave her dinner in my home and played with her kids while she and my now ex sat on the couch (and plotted and schemed).  What a bad husband I was. 
But when she said hi to me at an event when I knew  about the affair I simply turned and walked away..  no reply..nothing to validate that she made me angry or happy or sad..she would relish if I acted hurt or sad.  She was like taunting me with a smirk on her face to retaliate.
She knew all my business anyway..my ex and her texted every second..at night at dinner while in the bathroom..
Really nothing to say to these home wreckers..especially when it's our spouses pursuing them.
They would laugh at us saying we couldn't keep our spouses happy..which we cant..they have something we'll never have (same sex).  We feel like losers and foolish ..but it really explains why our spouses were never happy..my ex was insatiable now that I look back..  if you want to say anything to the lover wish them luck with your spouse..because our spouses will never be satisfied or happy. 

I would take that trip and when you get back and see how happy he is then you know all there is to know.  I urge you not to let him define you and accept what he us doing as ok.

Hi Kate,

 #1: My father committed suicide.  He was bipolar.  My first husband threatened to do it when I said I wanted a divorce; he sat in the vestibule porch with a pistol while I walked in a circle around the living room saying "please don't do it," over and over again.  He didn't do it.
    Suicide is either the result of mental illness, in which case the person needs professional help, or a manipulative act, even though born of desperation.  In neither case is it the fault of or the responsibility of any family member.  You can't keep someone from it if they're going to do it, even though they may say you're responsible.  
#3  Going on the trip, getting away from the situation, might give you some needed perspective on your situation. It's a modified and limited version of "no contact." I agree with FoolMe: you can't live your life suspicious, always making sure your husband isn't out of your sight so he can't cheat.  

#3  I went on a month long trip and when I got home was when my wife told me that she was gay and wanted to separate.  I'm still having a hard time with that (we're recently divorced and that was the beginning of the end).  Perhaps the time away will be good for both of you to think about your future.

Hi, KateA -

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  But I'm glad you find a certain measure of solace in this place. 

No, I've never known anyone who committed suicide due to the gay thing.  That's not to say it hasn't happened, but I don't believe anyone here has come on and told us such a thing.  I myself was afraid that my ex might have killed himself.  He had told me in the past about how he felt like doing such a thing when his first adoptive mother gave him back to the foster home as a child - before he was finally adopted.  And then when final adoptive mother semi abandoned him for her husband (who was the most manipulative S.O.A.B I've ever known).  So I worried that taking away his marriage and not letting him live with his children on a daily basis would push him over the edge.  I never did broach the subject with him.  But I did ask the therapist, who in the beginning was our joint therapist.  After many months of my ex seeing the therapist on his own, he missed an appointment due to needing to work, and I went in my ex's place so we wouldn't pay for the cancellation fee. Counselor and I chatted about how this was doomed, and did my spouse know it?  I told him I was concerned that my spouse may hurt himself, and the counselor said that while he agreed that was a possibility when he first started talking to my ex, he thought we were out of the woods at that point.  And that within a few months, he'd be willing to embrace who he was and what that meant for our marriage.  He's not been suicidal (that I know of) since then.

I never had any outright knowledge of my spouse cheating, so there was no other person to contact.  I certainly understand your desire to do so, though.  And I can't say that you shouldn't.  However, you may not get any satisfaction out of doing so.  Let's say you write the perfect letter.  You deliver it to the man.  He reads it.  He is unlikely to contact you back, so you'll never know what his reaction is.  It would be rare for him to contact you and lay himself at your feet and beg for forgiveness.  Whether he does that or not, the paper will continue reporting on him the way they see fit.  If he knew your husband was married, he shouldn't have done what he did.  Do you for sure know he had knowledge beforehand that your husband was married?  If not, then you might be chastising the wrong person anyway.  In the end, it is your husband who hurt you.  HE was the one who had vowed commitment to you.  HE was the one who was supposed to put your needs before his.  HE was the one who willingly joined his life with you.  Save ALL your anger and sadness over this scenario for him.  He fully deserves it.  No one held a gun to your husband's head in order to get him to have a relationship with this other man.  That was ALL your husband's responsibility, and he failed you.

Totally GO on that trip to see your friend.  Open up your horizons a bit.  Get away from this life so you can get some clarity - and some rest.  A month IS a long time for a mother to be gone, though.  If you truly think this will be no big deal to your teenage girls, and that their needs will be met while you're gone, then by all means.... GO!  You cannot worry about what he'll do while you're gone.  If you cannot trust the man for a freaking month, then you SHOULD go - just to see what he winds up being up to.  Have him followed around by a private investigator, or use a tracking device on his car.  Then you can go AND know what he's up to.

I think severe illness bonds people in a way just like any shared trauma experience.  You are survivors together, and it puts you on the same team.  I know that's difficult to dismantle.  However.... you cannot let your feelings for him be stronger than your feelings are for yourself.  You can be head-over-heels in love with someone, but you should only feed that love if they treat you right.  It doesn't matter if they once gave you the world on a platter if they're now just punching you in the eye every time they see you.  Your experience battling his cancer was a triumph.  And nothing takes away from that.  If you left, it still doesn't take away the support and love you gave to him during that time period.  Nothing will change that.

Best to you -

Kel