Abby wrote:

Welcome to this forum. Unlike many of us you are not legally married and if ever there was a good reason to break up this is it.

He wants to do girls night on the town: you aren't a lesbian so at the end of the evening you go home missing the man who isn't there anymore. What a dreary and depressing existence for you.

Look ahead: the past is in the past. If there are occasions where both of you need to be present for your adult child it sounds likely he will present himself as male which should make it easier for you to do what the occasion calls for. Otherwise there seems to be no reason to keep in contact with him/her.

Your child doesn't need to know the intimate details although saying "There was someone else" springs to mind if pressed for a reason.



 

Hi, Abby!  Thanks so much for your response.  It helps me sort through the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing.  One part of me is supportive of his situation/it must be a nightmare to be him.  To some extent I think I could remain a certain distanced level of friendship.  He's been in my life for years, and a total immediate abrupt complete thorough never to see him again scenario strains my psyche.  I think to help me understand, I will "break up" with him, but offer to go out as "friends" at least once, to whatever places CD's go, so that I can at least see what all his fuss is about and see him in action, for my own curiosity....then go about my business of becoming whatever the new me is going to be. I have to make some sense of it all.  Yes, I will be able to eventually, and hopefully soon, put the agony into the past.  Today I still have to deal with it somehow. And I've GOT to see what "she" looks like, because this is like a train wreck, I can't look away until I can drive pass.  Does that make sense?

Thanks for the welcome!

Snookered:
 I beg of you.  Don't go out with him.   You say you would "out of curiosity," but you also just told us that you are an appeaser.  You remained with a violent man and learned how not to "provoke" him.  But no one ever provokes another to hit them; when someone hits another person, it's ALL on the HITTER; the person hit is NOT at fault. Your reactions and your words are textbook descriptions of the battered wife syndrome.  You need to get away, and get to the safe place.  He has a history of dominating you; you need to disrupt that dynamic, not enter into it.
  So no, it does not make any sense to me to want to gawk at his train wreck or to enter his nightmare.  He is trying to force you into his nightmare, but you shouldn't go there. You need to wake up.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 13, 2017 2:11 pm)

"Back then, one of my coworkers told me I had made my own bed, now I needed to learn to lay in it."

Wow - that is such bad advice it's hard to know where to start. You didn't make him an alcoholic or violent abuser. Nor can you make him change. Only he can make himself change and often that starts with admitting there's a problem followed by a desire and perseverance to do something about it. Walking on eggshells might be a good short term strategy to avoid being a convenient target but it doesn't fix anything. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you have it well planned out and can keep yourself safe..

Last edited by Daryl (May 13, 2017 3:38 pm)

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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:42 pm)

Well, folks...I had the "talk" with him last night.  I was very calm, and used "I" statements so that he wouldn't feel like I was bashing him. He vacillated from saying he was sorry he even told me, to being angry at me for not being 100% accepting, to pouting, to thanking me for telling him the truth of how I felt, and to being sad.  The whole situation is so complicated, but it boils down to the fact that I have no sexual interest in women, so....I told him we could be friends, but I'm just not ever going to be into "her" cross dressing.  He argued with me that my perception of me being with his "she" persona would make me feel like a lesbian was just wrong.  I don't need him to validate my feelings about that at all.  Seems strange that I have to be the bad guy for me being born heterosexual. The visual in my mind of his CD'ing just gives me the creeps (I didn't say that out loud). He said he'd just grow his hair back and put all his ladies clothes and gear into storage and we just wouldn't discuss it any more. I told him I don't think it's viable for him to live his life in the closet to please others, including me.  He might as well just be himself and maybe he will find truthful happiness with someone who is turned on by him in lingerie.  I told him to remember that he just dropped a bombshell on me the other day, and that I haven't had time to totally process what it all means. But I sure can't un-know what I've learned and I can't un-see what I've seen.
 
This morning he softly, practically in a whisper, told me it would be best for me to take my puppy dog and leave (I have a one year old boxer). So for now I am safe at a friend's house.  But my friend is not home. I'm sitting here alone in someone else's living room, wondering how long can I stay here, I need to find a permanent place to live.  I don't think I have enough $ for a deposit and first and last month's rent anywhere just right off the bat, and on my drive here one of my dashboard warning lights came on. I'll be ok. OMG.  I'm sure I'm not the first one on the forum to be financially unprepared for an abrupt ending of a relationship.

My heart is pounding, my head is spinning.  My post probably doesn't even make sense, because I'm feeling rather scatterbrained. Gosh, these stages of grief are a roller coaster of emotions.

I watched a clip of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, where Tim Curry is singing "Sweet Transvestite" and reflected on how much I've always gotten a kick out of that movie, ya know, like watching it a few times since it came out (did I make a pun?) in 1975.  I saw it in a theater one time. Tim Curry is "cute"...in the same way my puppy is cute. That movie will never be the same for me again.

Life as I knew it has screeched to a halt.  

In a way, I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones, that it didn't drag (another pun!) out like it has for so many of you.  It's like the band aid just got ripped off.  Ouch.  It will take some weeks to discover how bad the scar will turn out to be. 

What a bizarre twist of events.

Thank you so very much to those of you that have responded to me so far.  Today I will try to reach out to some of the others posting here who are also in distress.  I don't wish this misery on anyone, so I'm sending cyber hugs to anyone who needs a hug today.