Dear Snookered,
   Of course you are confused, dazed, and upset.   He's been secretly indulging in a sexual fetish, which is a betrayal of you--you're supposed to be his intimate partner.  Now he's reached a point at which indulging alone part time doesn't satisfy his escalating need, the phase in which he needs you to validate him while he indulges more frequently and openly.  
   You are in the "shock" phase, but you are already entering the "bargaining" phase (the "what can we be to each other phase?").  Because you are still invested in your marriage and in the partner you thought you had (but are beginning to realize you didn't/don't) you need to make a special effort to begin to think about what YOU want and need, and not what HE wants and needs, or how you can accommodate him.  You can already see that he is not interested in accommodating you--witness the you "shall" refer to him by his bs woman name.  My husband came out with a version of this, telling me exactly how I would be expected to please him in bed, as if it dictating what form our sex life would take was his right.  This means you need to establish boundaries, the ones that will make YOU comfortable.  And #1 is that he can call himself what he wants, but he can't insist that his reality become yours; call him by his name, not his bs woman name.
     There's no "good" or "ideal" way to have the talk: you just have to tell him, and the sooner the better, before he starts parading around the house in front of you. If he starts doing this, and you don't object, he will take this as a sign that he can do this with impunity.  Believe me, he won't ask--or ask more than once!  He doesn't really want to have to talk; he wants to push your boundaries to see how small you can make yourself--what he can get away with without having to negotiate.
     Seeing him dressed up upsets you, so tell him you don't want to see him dressed up.  If the idea of having sex as some offensive idea of a "lesbian couple" puts you off (believe me, what he will imagine "lesbian sex" will be like is nothing like what lesbian sex is really like), tell him no dice (and think about that: what kind of sex life will you have it it's always on his terms, which means he acts like a sexually submissive pornofied f---me doll?), if sleeping in the same bed with him makes you uncomfortable, move to another room.  
   I'm some two years past "disclosure day" myself, and so I do know what you're going through, as do others here.  Take some time to read some posts--those by "whatasham" will be especially relevant to you.  Read J. Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen," because Bailey, a psychologist, has an excellent description of autogynephilia, and a checklist that you will undoubtedly see fits your husband.  
  And write and vent. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 13, 2017 11:07 am)

Why does he think he's allowed to hide this from you for decades and then completely rewrite your relationship and that you're not allowed to say anything about it? You most certainly get a say in this. This very important aspect of his life was hidden from you. That was some combination of selfish and cowardly and, as you said, your trust is broken. In my opinion, marriages need mutual respect. Any yes, we are expected to suffer in silence. That is why this board is so helpful.

I'm not sure exactly what you should say or how to approach it but you've suggested a few things already. You're not interested in women. I'm guessing you're not looking for a secret new female BFF. You don't know this female persona and you're not comfortable with the idea. It is almost like opening up your marriage to a third party. Probably the best thing to do is not make any hasty decisions, especially if you are leaning towards "it's over". Quietly make some plans, learn the legalities in your jurisdiction, find some support either professionally or someone close to you who can listen and keep it confidential.

One more thought before I let others offer their thoughts. If you think he is surreptitiously trying to follow you and see what you may be saying, what does that say about him? Remember this board is public so be careful about revealing too many identifiable life facts.

I would not participate in this autogyn delusion. She/her references would be out the window for me.

If he came to you and said "I'm a deer now, you will refer to me as doe while I'm in my deer costume. I will be sleeping in my deer costume and we will be having deer sex. You will not out me as a deer to anyone, but instead participate in my deer fantasy life." You'd think he'd lost his mind. Yet somehow it's different that he's claiming to be a type of human being he can never be? If it hinges on being human, replace all I said above with a white man now claiming to be black because the idea of being black is sexy and he gets erections from black-face makeup and afro wigs.

It's just so awkward that he/she has all the current social support celebrating the rights of the LGBTQ community, while as the unsuspecting heterosexual partner I get to suffer in silence.

Plenty of LGB individuals understand that trans/queer are not orientation based issues. They are fetishes or paraphilias riding on the coattails of the LGB rights cause. The social justice warriors that crusade for trans inclusion are most often extremely liberal hetero people with little to no understanding what they are crusading for.

I'm terribly sorry you find yourself in this position. Having your life turned upsidedown for the sake of someone's sexual delusion is a horrible place to be.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

New Trans Widow,
   In rereading your post I'm alarmed at the way you characterize the situation, that he has said you "shall" call him by "her" name, that you are not "allowed" to out him (that you must stay in his closet).  Is there some fear that he might react violently?  Are you safe?
  

Bless your heart, OutofHisCloset, for your intuition.  On a side note, he does also have a substance abuse problem which used to escalate into arguments, and he was physically abusive.  I went to counseling.  I learned I could not change him, so I changed me.  I learned not to antagonize him when he was drinking.  The beatings stopped years ago, when our child was 4 years old, who has since grown up and moved out.  Since the beatings stopped, I felt like I had made a big accomplishment. And we actually separated for years over him abusing me physically.  Why did I go back?  He can be very charming. I do not engage in any potentially threatening topics of discussion when he is drunk.  When he is sober, which is what he shows the world, everyone loves him.  He is a closet alcoholic.  Back then, one of my coworkers told me I had made my own bed, now I needed to learn to lay in it.  I adjusted.  My late father was an alcoholic, so I suspect I was conditioned at an early age that if you love an alcoholic, there are concessions that must be made.  He's not drunk most of the time.  Just at night.  I will stay safe.  Thank you for caring.  And thank you for making me remember he has a history of being a wife beater.  I took the blame, that it was my fault for verbally pissing him off, so I've walked on egg shells for years and kept quiet, which meets the goal of not getting hit or otherwise manhandled.  I do have a temporary safe place to go. I've read the book "I Don't Want To Be Alone".  I know I've got some work ahead of me because I still have the chance to become a stronger woman, and to build a better life.  It's going to be a tough road.   So glad I found you and others here! Thanks again!