OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Suzy
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This is the first time to the forum. My story I think is like many others. I had been married 29 years. We have what I thought was a perfect life. Now I know a sharade. We have 3 lovely young adult children. We both have good paying jobs we enjoy. Lovely house, dog, the works. We were what I thought, was totally compatible. We enjoy sking, hiking, kayacking, watching movies, etc. On the day of his brother's death 3 weeks ago, I had gone on his computer at his request to pay one bill that was due. When I couldn't find the ap, I went to the bookmarks, where I found hundreds of Craig's List bookmarks going back a year. After a little searching, I found mountains of posts and responses. He hooked up with men on my birthday, Valentine's Day, across the street where one son works. He was arranging hook-ups while we were sitting on the sofa together, vacations, family outings. This is not the first time. There was the same discovery about 7 years ago. The kids were teenagers at the time, and he was well aware he got one additional choice. He saw a counselor and thought he was "fine". The topper of course is that I'm positive for Herpes I and II. The breadth and depth of the lies is just unfathomable. I have kicked him out of the house. He still thinks reconciliation is possible. He blames alcohol (although he didn't plan his hook-ups while drinking), his parents. He's convinced he has a psychosis. I believe he's gay and can't come to grips with it.
He alternates being apologetic and then hostile. I let him come to the house last night to pick up clothes, and he was a total jerk.
The hardest part for me isn't the short term. I can handle house and financing. It's that I'm giving up my future I had planned. I was about a year away from retirement. We had plans to downside, travel, relocate. All those plans are shattered. Any advice on how to move on would be helpful.
- OutofHisCloset
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I'm so sorry you're here. I so sympathize with the "I can handle the short term it's the loss of the future I'd planned" aspect of things--I'm to retire in two years and am now looking to do it on my own, with enough money to manage, but not the way I'd thought I would.
You know who's really good on how to move on? Chump Lady--google her blog, go to the bottom of the home page, and look through both the featured posts ("Tell me how you're mighty" is a good one) and through the pull down list of subjects.
And vent here, as needed.
- Kel
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Hi Suzy,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be SO angry at him! I know I would be. And disappointed.
I think your plans for the future have been altered. You do not know at this point that you won't still be retiring, downsizing and traveling. Those things are all still possible. And they are all still possible to do with someone you love. Just not the person you thought you'd be doing it all with. You may not be thinking at this point about moving onto another relationship some day. But know that it IS possible. And you don't have to accept that you'll be all alone for the rest of your days. Your book of life is nowhere near over. It has many chapters that have yet to be written. And they can still be wonderful chapter. Even better than the chapters that you've already written. It is possible.
Keep stopping by. You sound strong. You sound like you can clearly see who he is. These are both really big things. I believe you'll do well.
You're going to be okay.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Foolme
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Suzy, so sorry you need to be here. As Kel said you sound strong, you sound amazing for someone only three weeks from discovery.
There'll be a huge range of emotions to go through yet but one day at a time. A lot of your story sounds similar to mine, timeframe married, three adult children, future plans (he'd even suggested we buy an apartment in the same country two of our kids have moved to & spend a lot of our retirement there!). It's the total deceit, betrayal, dishonesty not the actual gay bit that's hardest. Don't be surprised if narcissism becomes evident, I didn't see it as that for months after but I couldn't understand how overnight he'd become so cold, unlogical in my mind but it was always there, it was just thinly veiled and now on reflection I can see that. He'd just done enough to avoid suspicion. Do your children know yet or have you to work out telling them?
Be kind to yourself, don't put too much pressure on yourself, talk, talk, talk to someone who'll be your rock, keep posting here. Suzy, take good care of you now, he doesn't need you to be his person, he's been protecting himself all along.
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Abby
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Suzy, if you haven't already done so find yourself an attorney who can focus on getting you a property settlement for the long term that will allow you to retire as planned. In retirement you will have time to process your feelings and adjust to the next chapter in your life at your own pace.
My husband came out of the closet and left me after 30+ years of marriage. At church I picked up a pamphlet for widows and I found it helpful. Had my husband dropped dead I would have faced the same loss of a future together: I just had the complication that he was still walking around and was oblivious to the fact that this changed everything.
If your children know what happened hopefully they will be supportive of you and help you with tasks when asked. Do not hesitate to ask for help.
If they don't know yet I hope that you will find a way to tell them so they know why there can't be a reconciliation.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Suzy
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We told the children vaguely that Dad had been unfaithful. One son lives out of town, he keeps saying we just need to work it out. Absolutely it's the lying and deceit. If he would just come out, I think we would have figured something out in terms of a future life. There would be be family meals, Christmas together, happy weddings and graduations. Now that is not going to happen.
Absolutely its narcissism. It's a long sorid story, but my husband's brother was dying. He kept saying he didn't want me to come with him to visit on his reg Saturday visit because he wanted to talk to him alone. Of course, he was hooking up before or after visiting his brother. When I finally did go to the house, I realized they had not filed his retirement paper. While I went and dealt with the retirement papers and spent hours taking care of it, he hooked up with someone. I got the family literally half a million dollars. My husband response, they would have figured something out. This is not the man I thought I knew.
I let him come to the house on Thursday to pick up some clothes, and he acts like a jerk. He keeps on saying it's my choice to end the marriage, not his. But it's a false narrative. He blew it up. I think this is all, so I have to be the one that makes the call.
I filed the paperwork with the lawyer Friday at 5:00 pm. I feel terrible, but know I have to do this.
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Thread Starter- Foolme
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Suzy, just brace yourself for everything being your fault, I'm still shaking my head over the fact that this extremely logical man, head of operations for an entire continent for a global company, who so many look to for leadership and guidance is so lost with his moral compass. In fact he doesn't possess one at all. We had neighbours and friends separate/divorce, one or two getting back and staying married and he was so empathetic to the wives, could see the wrong the husbands had done and he would even initiate conversations about them and when it came to him he's done nothing wrong, I was playing the game too, what did I think was wrong..........blah blah blah blah.
He has his family convinced this marriage wouldn't have worked anyway because I was so this or that (we were 32 years together, 28+ married) and they know he's gay and has been acting on it since 1991! You just can't fix stupid! Absolutely it's the total mind f&%k of the deceit, betrayal and disloyalty, to be honest I really don't care that he's gay, it's what he did to deny me a choice, he chose a life for both of us, I did the best I could with the information I had to hand. It must be more so for you having a very active life together.
Think strongly about telling your children the truth, so many on here have had the GIDH bad mouth their spouses to the children to keep the kids on their side. Perhaps tell him it's important for you that they know, consider insisting on telling them together or giving him an ultimatum that you'll tell them if he doesn't by a certain date. The children are young adults, they're capable of hearing the truth. If he's saying it's you insisting on the divorce then it's likely he'll go down the pushing you under the bus route, you need to have protect your relationship with your children.
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Still Wondering
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Hi Suzy - I'm so sorry you're here but you're right to do what you did and file. He had his one last chance and he lied his way right through it.
Our stories have more in common than most. What I will miss the most is the fantastic life we had. For me, the information came out in tiny bits and pieces to be put together by me over the years so my pain felt more spread out. When I finally put it all together there were tears (lots of them), then the trying again phases but by the end there was a null feeling to the relationship that almost made it not matter any more. There was something missing for so long that I knew I would miss the future we had planned more than I'd miss him. That is what actually takes the bite off of the whole thing. And like you, I also ended up with herpes. I hate it. But it didn't seem to ruin my life the way I thought it would. It's been over 15 years now and it gets better with time, only popping up in times of stress, sickness, or lack of sleep. But I have found that with anyone who is serious about wanting a relationship and dating me, it hasn't been a problem. I keep thinking, really? Because I'd probably run the other way. But over the last several years I've had three serious relationships and no one had a problem with it. The one guy who wasn't all that into me ran away, so I find it to be a very good indicator. I know it sucks. But you can still have a better future. A different one. Maybe not the one you had planned - but can you honestly tell me that after the first discovery you had forgotten about it completely and it wasn't always in the back of your head nagging at you? I couldn't. It was always there regardless of how hard I tried. That in itself made my future "less than" anyway.
You are in a good spot with your kids but you have to be honest with them right now. Waiting is not good. Please read through some of the horror stories here of adult children picking sides. I can see from your son's comment that he doesn't seem to care that Dad is a cheater and thinks it's his place to tell you to work it out. Take this opportunity NOW and speak your TRUTH. You don't have to say Dad is gay if you don't want to. But I think you do have to say, sorry, but Dad gave me two incurable STDs, so no, it can not be worked out. As adult children, they need to be concerned about your health and wellbeing and not that mommy and daddy stay together. It's not about picking sides, it's about knowing the whole truth and reacting like an adult. I'd expect them to have the same reaction if you had given their Dad an STD. They need to process and understand the severity of this situation. I'm sure they wouldn't like it if their significant other gave them an STD while hooking up behind their back for years. And last but not least - you need to let them know that that you already did work it out and give him a second chance. Seven years ago. But he lied again. And you might then ask them: so now what? A third chance? Maybe HIV this time? Yes, that's certainly a great idea.
I wish you luck on your journey. With time, the pain of the old life will fade, especially when you meet new people and do new things and you find yourself enjoying life. That's when it fades the most. Good living is the best revenge. The good thing is that you have a good job and a means to continue to take care of yourself and that is a huge part of the battle. One word of warning that I've seen others give...just because you have a good income, do not walk away from what you will need to continue your lifestyle. I was pissed and I wanted it done and over. I was making a point which was "I don't need you or your money". We split the home equity and that was it. I left with my 401k and he with his. The problem with that is that he had been saving twice as much as me "for our future". Not to mention stock options, military pension, and all that crap. That was dumb. I should have taken every penny that belonged to me - or at the very least enough to pay for the Valtrex I have to buy every month for the rest of my life.
Please continue to post. Let us know how you're doing.
- Still Wondering
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I agree with Foolme - once he lies and tells them it's your fault or that you won't give him a second chance then you're late to the party. Anything out of your mouth after that looks like you're just trying to give a response to Dad's truth.