Katie
   I'm so sorry you need to be here.  What your husband is putting you through is more than awful enough without adding in a possible pregnancy.
  My husband also declared he was transgendered, a little over two years ago, and although I had initially planned to leave--I decided I could not and did not want to allow my life to be defined by his transgenderism--I ended up not leaving.  I wish I had.  I spent almost two years of my life consumed with his issues, and am only now regaining my sense of myself (and becoming self protective).  I now will again initiate a divorce, although not for some months (I have very specific reasons). 
   What helped me initially was educating myself: please read J. Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen," and the work of Anne Lawrence (a transwoman).  They are psychologists with expertise in autogynephiles, which from what you describe sounds like your husband (and mine); Lawrence describes them as "men trapped in men's bodies" who would like to have female bodies. Men who have this psychological urge are like addicts--the more they indulge it, the more they want; the more they get, the more they believe they are actually women.  
   You need to realize that your husband has changed the terms of your marriage. He wants to become your wife, not remain your husband.  He will tell you when he has sex with you that you are in a lesbian relationship.  He will probably tell you he is "the same person," and think this means it's all ok; but turn this around and ask yourself (and him): if it doesn't matter whether he's man or woman, why can't he stay a man--why does he need to act like a woman?
   If you simply "wait," or "react," you will continue to feel overwhelmed.  You need to be able to do something for yourself, just so that you have something to cling to in this sea of uncertainty.   Contacting this network was the first thing you did for yourself, and I hope you are reading around, starting with the threads on cross dressing and transgender.  You will see yourself and your situation in some of the posts, and you will see stages represented that you haven't yet experienced. I suggest you also see a counselor, one for yourself, not with your husband.  And find a friend or family member to confide it; it makes a world of difference to have someone in your day to day life who knows what has happened, even if they can't fully understand what you're going through.
  Again, so sorry you're here.  

Thank you both for your support and words of wisdom. I had been seeing a therapist until recently when my insurance changed. I should go back and see him. The first several months of my first pregnancy all I did was cry and sleep. And my life was happy then.

I feel awful that I'm not anything but over joyed about this pregnancy possibility. I worry about my daughter and her ability to havr a happy life with a transgender parent... and having to force her to adapt to being  a big sister at the same time is scary.

I have to focus on the here and now. I have to find more support. I have to cope.. my daughter's happiness depends upon my ability to not only to make it work (inside or beyond a marriage) but my ability to find happiness or at least contentment.

I am thankful to have found this place of acceptance. Thank you

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Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 2:03 pm)

Katie,

I'm so sorry.   My mind is racing with the erasure he is foisting upon you and how you must be feeling. His masculine identity, your relationship, your family dynamic, his ability to think rationally, the very understanding of what gender means, what you understand you are as a woman and what you understand it is impossible for him to ever be.

It's all so much. Too much.

The only thing I can really say is foisting that kind of erasure upon children is something to think long and hard about. When we teach children that discarding our logical understandings to feed paraphilias is a thing to do, we set the stage for the children to adopt the same mentalities. And when we teach our children that fetishes come before how we value and treat other people, we set the stage for that mentality as well.

I'm so sorry, Katie. Your heart must be shattering. I know that because mine's cracking just thinking about you.

Katie, I'm so so sorry you find yourself here but in your circumstances here is a good place to be!

I've no advice, there's plenty of good advice already given by people with similar situations to yourself, my heart just goes out to you. Well I guess my advice is take care of you, try to park what you can't deal with right now and be kind to yourself. If you're religious or spiritual perhaps believe that the right thing will happen with regards the pregnancy, try not to worry too much about your conflicting thoughts re pregnancy or miscarriage, you don't want to worry yourself and then feel guilty whichever way it goes. The universe might give you the right outcome there.

You've so much to be concerned and worried over, please find someone to confide in and be in your corner and let them be there for you, this is too much for one person to be dealing with!