I'll have to try melatonin. I'm going on 2 months of awful sleep and it's catching up with me. I spent 15 years working in the concert industry so I'm no stranger to lack of sleep, but this has been going on too long. I'm sure it's a big part of why I'm so emotional.

Losing my partner is the big thing for me. I never had good luck with women, "you're a nice guy but...." was a very familiar thing to hear for a lot of years. She was the first one that wanted to be with me for more than a week or two and apparently it was only because she was confused. It crushed all my self confidence.

I lost my career 2 years ago for "restructuring" after helping the owner build the company from 3 employees to 15, got no severance and no warning. That was brutal. I worked so hard, nights, weekends, 16 hour days, travel, missed birthdays and family dinners to do my job and that didn't mean anything to anyone but me.  Now I'm back to a menial job, crappy car, renting a cheap apartment, and the only woman that ever gave a shit about me only did because she was confused about what she wanted. I got knocked back 15 years in every important aspect of my life, like I didn't work myself to the bone to get to where I was. I was already dealing with depression because of my financial/job issues, and then I lost the one person that had always been there for me. I worked my ass off and tried really hard to always do the right thing my whole life and I don't have a thing to show for it except gray hair, depression and a pretty short fuse. Without her it all really was for nothing. I feel like a poor excuse for a man. I essentially failed at all the most important things in my life. I tried so hard, I feel like I did everything right but I still failed. I don't know how to pick up the pieces now. If my maximum effort from the best years of my life weren't enough, what the hell can I really expect now?

I do need to talk to someone, but this forum is the best I can do. There are no free therapists except the people here and if I have to pay for it I'll be homeless. So thank you all for the encouragement and letting me vent. Sorry for the novel.

I don't think dating will be on my radar for a long time but when it is I hope you're right. My experience has shown otherwise, but I certainly don't know everything.

I really do try hard to focus on the positive things. I have enough money for food and a roof over my head. I have my dogs. I have my family and some good friends. I get to go backpacking in a few weeks, spend some time in my church, miles away from civilization. Living out of a backpack alone in the backcountry will be a good reminder for me of how little you really need, what's really important, and just how beautiful the world can be. Some days I feel like my best days could still be ahead of me. Today just hasn't been one of those days.

Thanks for listening.

Hiker 33, I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed. Lack of sleep is no doubt adding to your situation. I went for months with very little sleep, I know that feeling. I've started taking CBD Oil, it doesn't make you go to sleep but what I find is you get a heavy night's sleep, if that makes sense, you feel you've slept when you eventually do sleep.

As Lily says it's far better to get the anger and frustrations out now and not let them fester to surprise you a year or two down the line. I get how you feel a failure but remember YOU didn't fail at this, you didn't make her gay, this was out of your control. No matter what you did you couldn't avoid this happening, the universe sucks at times.

We've got to hope there's better times ahead for us. I know right now you feel if everything could just go back to the way it was all would be good again but she'd still be gay, that can't just go away now.

I hope you get some sleep Hiker, things will seem easier to handle if you can get some quality sleep! Take care

Hiker,

I am glad that the divorce was so amicable.  Most people here don't experience that, so that's a gift in and of itself.

You working so hard to get to a place that's no better than it was 15 years ago sucks.  Bad.  However, you are looking at your story as one that ends here.  It doesn't.  If you were a book, we'd be at that point where the bottom falls out so that you can be in a place for different things to present themselves and start a different chapter.  No one ever knows that when they're at that point in the story.  But years later, when you look back, you'll see that at this exact point in time, you were at a crossroads.  And that everything you'd been through made you who you are - knowledge, strength, maturity - ready to be who you needed to be to embrace the next chapter.  It's happened to me time and time again.  And I can tell you that there isn't much that I'd change if I had the chance to do it alllll over again.  Because I like who I am, and I became this way through all my experiences and trials.  And if it took going through the quicksand to get to the beach, then so be it.  It SURE as hell didn't feel like that at the time, though.  I'm just saying that you haven't arrived at this place as your destination.  You're just on a stopover.

As for dating, you may be pleasantly surprised to see that it's quite different now that you're a different age.  I know I was!  I'd never had much interest from anyone when I was younger.  It was part of why I settled for my ex.  I'm from the midwest, and here, the only girls/women that were seen as attractive in the 80's/90's were skinny white girls with no ass.  They had to be giggly and flirty and love partying.  They had to have well-controlled hair (preferably blonde) and kind of ditzy. I was literally NONE of these things.  I was plus sized from early on, with t*ts and a$$ for days.  Tons of wily red hair, freckles, pale skin.  Loud, obnoxious, sarcastic and intelligent.  I was NOT the cat's meow.  Until....... I was in my 40's and back on the dating scene.  THEN it was like I was suddenly what ever man in that age bracket was looking for.  Suddenly my good personality counted for more than a tiny waist.  The fact that I held a job down long-term was not just nodded at, but exciting to these men.  I was honest and they loved that.  I could cook and clean and you'd think it was akin to being in the circus to these guys - I was the full package.  I'd ALWAYS been this person - it just wasn't so appreciated by men when I was younger.  You may find that you experience the same.  You may not have changed, but the things that women your age are now looking for may have.  You don't have to be ready to date anytime soon, but know that just because you understood where you were on the gameboard before doesn't mean it's the same gameboard now.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 3, 2017 9:51 am)

Kel, I was reading your post again and it helped me to consider the fact that while the last 15 years were hard and fruitless as far as relationships, career, and assets, now I get to try it again with all that experience in my back pocket. At least I know what isn't going to work, what I can't control, and I have a much better sense of who I am and what I really want. There are going to be a lot more bad days, but hopefully it's not much longer before the good ones outnumber the bad.