OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » New...Here Goes Nothing!

Japedio · May 1, 2017 10:16 pm

I’m a recovering addict. When I was 19 my addiction lead me to federal prison with a 5year sentence for drug charges. This is important because prison saved my life. I worked hard to change my thinking, to face my demons and learn to cope without drugs. I worked the 12 steps twice just to make sure I was now in full control of my life, not my addiction. I kicked butt and worked hard to become a better person…and I did.
After being released form prison I met my husband. But it wasn't the first time I had met him. In fact, our families had known each other forever. We’ve been together 7 years now. I thought I had it made. I thought finally my life would be good, honestly good. I thought my hard work had paid off. Then I got pregnant. We had a beautiful happy healthy baby girl. I couldn't have been happier. We got married 5 years ago. 3 years ago everything fell apart. I was using his computer, which he knew, and I found strange email login. I figured out the password and found multiple emails to tens of people who had posted on craigslist for sex all of which were with men for a long term down low relationship, "blow and go," or also to couples who wanted a, for lack of a better phase, b**ch boy. I can't even begin to explain how I felt inside. So many things started to make sense. This wasn't the first time I had found something that was off. Years before this I had seen a very hardcore mostly trans porn site. In his profile he had written some extreme things. When I questioned him about that he played it off like he had to write it more extreme so they would let him on the website. I had just had a baby, she wasn't more than a few weeks old, so emotions were scattered and Id never explored the world of hardcore porn or anything in the realm of it. I naively believed him.
But this time he couldn't play it off it was all there plain to see with pictures and all. I confronted him with all of it. His explanation to me was that he’s selfish and that he's always been this way so not to think I did this. He told me his mom found his journal when he was 14 that had some stuff in it and he was punished and told it was a phase. He said he tried to stop to date girls and then when they wanted more he’d find a way to break up with them. The first girl that found out freaked out and made him feel like a horrible person. He's gay and hates himself because its “wrong.” He’s not supposed to be gay. He made himself the victim, made me feel bad for him. We have a child and I wanted to keep my family together. I couldn't out him. I was ashamed. I felt like I had to be the only person in this situation.
Then one day in our newspaper there was an article all about this network… I was not alone! I have fought with this so long even believing this must be my punishment for mistakes I've made in life. Its taken me 3 years to figure out he is NOT the victim here. If this is the life I worked so hard for Id rather be back in prison. I have lost all emotion other than for my child. He can’t face himself in the mirror and I’m expected give up all happiness to harbor this secret. If I leave and he doesn't come out, Im the bad guy in the situation that left. And what will that do to my child? Im finally ready to really face this. To tell my story, learn from others, and slowly step out of his closet.
...sorry that was so long....

Rob · May 2, 2017 6:12 am

Japedio,

Welcome.. you story is well written and if I may say..sad like ours but I see some real strength. .you've kick butt before and I know you can get through this one.

As you've read here...we don't think your husband will suddenly get better...if he's been seeing men , and you have to assume he has, you need to get tested.
Then start building your support network for yourself and kid. Sadly you cannot rely on any support from your husband..with these spouses it is all about themselves..they cheat on us and they are victims. Deep in your bones you know it's not true..these are their true colors..it sucks and hurts.

Build strength and move forward. Baby steps...it will be more than 12...but you can build a life away from such abuse.

A warm sincere hug (Authentic and real)

Last edited by Rob (May 2, 2017 6:13 am)

Abby · May 2, 2017 6:21 am

Let me be the first to welcome you to the club that no one wants to join. You have come so far that you know you have the strength to escape his closet so let me give you some tools to help you.

If you do not have a job it will be harder to get one as an ex-offender. Use your parole agent if you have one to help you get into programs that will work with you to get you into an educational and/or employment program. Certain careers will be closed because of licensing and you will want to know which ones before you sign up to classes that will lead to a dead end.

Do you have family or friends who will help you by letting you stay with them temporarily? You don't need to tell them all the details but just that the marriage is not working out and you don't want the stress to jeopardize all you have accomplished. When you separate you will want to take your daughter and file for support and custody, which means consult an attorney before you move out so that you know the laws where you live and can be set to go.

Even if your husband says he's only viewing and not doing, assume that he had sexual contact with others and get tested for all sexually transmitted diseases ASAP.

Above all be gentle with yourself. You didn't know this about him when you married: he did and chose to deceive you.

phoenix · May 2, 2017 7:54 am

Japedio,

Welcome to our family. I'm sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. Being lied to by our spouses is the most painful betrayal.

You are so strong!!! Look at the things you've already overcome in your life, and now you are overcoming this horrible betrayal as well.

I'm glad to read that you are ready to step out of his closet. I want all of us to do this. I'm not saying we should maliciously "out" our ex's, but I do think we all need to stop carrying the burden of their secret. As if we haven't dealt with enough pain and suffering.. they expect us to keep our pain a secret from the world. It's not right. The more vocal we become, the more the world will recognize that this is happening. Then hopefully young people will think twice before trying to marry a heterosexual person when they know in their heart they are not.

Kel · May 2, 2017 10:35 am

Welcome Japedio -

Welcome to the place no one wants to need to be. You will find compassion and reality here. You are among friends who truly understand your plight.

First off, NONE of this is your fault. You are not being punished for your past. You've already paid for your past transgressions. If your husband is telling you only one truth, it's that this has nothing to do with you. You think it does, because we have this innate rationalization that if we were enough for them, they wouldn't need to go outside of the relationship. We therefore feel like not enough - it's natural. However, you would NEVER think this of someone whose spouse was cheating on them. You would never listen to their story and think (much less say), "Huh - maybe you just aren't enough. Maybe you need to be thinner or fitter or more attractive. Maybe you need to work on your personality." And that's because when it comes to others, we can see the truth so much more plainly - because our emotions and our fears aren't involved. A cheater has NO.ONE to blame their behavior on - it's all on them. If they were THAT unhappy and unfulfilled with their partner, then they should never have married them in the first place. If they became that unhappy and unfulfilled along the way, then they should have told their partner so they could work on the relationship. If that couldn't work out, then they should exit the relationship. There is literally NO.EXCUSE for someone to be pretending to be happy as a husband and father, and be getting sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage. It has NOTHING to do with you, hon.

Your husband has told you that this is who he is - he's always done this. He is gay, but he's never felt free to be so openly. That's a shame, but that's not something YOU caused, nor is it something that you should ever have had to deal with. You didn't enter the relationship knowing this. He hid it from you until you found out. He didn't come to you because he wanted to be a team and work on this issue together. He just did what he wanted until you found out. THEN the excuses started. That means that if you hadn't have found this evidence on your own, he likely would have kept you in the dark forever. Because satisfying his sexual desires is more important to him than having an honest relationship with you. He cares more for himself than he does for you. He's been lying to you all along, which means that nothing he says now can be trusted, either. His words should mean nothing to you - he's shown you that he'll lie and deceive just to get what he wants. You have no reason to think he'd do anything other than that now, either. Being caught doesn't change their personality - only their situation.

Tell us about your situation - about your support network, about whether you work or not, and if you feel like there is enough money there to support both of you, should you decide to separate. Once you figure that out, you can then make choices based on the options.

You need to stop sleeping with him if you haven't. And please get tested for STDs. Know that staying together isn't the single most important thing for a child. Being in a loving home is. If they live in a home where their father is being deceitful and putting the family at risk (with disease), then it's NOT more important to be a family unit than it is to be in a safe, loving place that's a good blueprint for their own lives someday. Don't think that being together is the ultimate. If both parents aren't happy, it's difficult to have a happy home. And then you have unhappy kids in an intact family. There are plenty of single parent homes that are far, FAR happier than the intact family living next door that is unhappy.

I wish you the best. Keep stopping by.

Kel

Japedio · May 2, 2017 9:33 pm

Wow! You don't realize how bad you need support until you unburden and are shown how normal and important your feelings are. And still I felt guilty after posting this for some crazy unknown reason. I appreciate everyone's support and encouragement. I've swallowed this for so long finally releasing it digs it up like it was yesterday. The difference today is I'm more aware and have had time to actually think things through.

I do work, 2 jobs. But, I work around my daughters schedule so I don't make a lot of money. I was blessed to be hired at a preschool even with my record, only because it's the same preschool I went to and at the church I grew up in. The people who interviewed me all have known me my entire life and also know my family. I only work 4hrs a day 3 days a week. But it's perfect because I can take my daughter to school and go to work then when I get off I have just enough time to go to the grocery store or get something done around the house before I have to pick her up from school. And I LOVE my job there. On the weekends I work at a gas station because my daughter goes to one of her grandparents house every weekend. Ive worked there for almost 6 years and I enjoy that job also. My daughter goes to private school so basically I work at the preschool only to pay her tuition each month.

My husband is medically retired military with PTSD so he doesn't work but gets paid. He’s also an alcoholic. He went to rehab and was sober for a year then I found out and he started drinking again. Our sex life was never very active or the best. Now I know why… We haven't attempted anything in over 2 years.. we haven't even kissed in over 1. Its like we’re roommates who have a kid. He’s not involved in a lot of our daughters day to day life. He has to pick her up on Fridays because I'm working and he keeps her about an hour then she's gone and he goes to the bar. Saturday I work all day and he goes to his friends. I know none of these people know his secret, I don't know about the bar. Sunday she comes home and he has to keep her about 2 hours or less before bedtime. THATS IT. I get up and get her to school and go to work and get her from school and hangout with her feed her and bathe her and put her to bed. She may see him 30 minutes in the day. When his friends come over, who also don't know, he acts like father of the year and it drives me crazy. He has no idea just how amazingly special she is. He has a shed “mancave” and he basically lives in it. He wakes up at like 11 in the morning and goes right out there and stays coming and going for a few mins at a time and he stays out there till 2-3AM drinking and smoking cigarettes.

He doesn't come to any family events. I see my family about 2-3 times a week. They obviously see he doesn't come EVER and know all that I just said but they don't know his secret. They support me but they don't really give me advice. I know they would let us come there. Im having a hard time accepting I have to once again ask them for help without being able to tell them the truth so they can understand why this has to be done. I have a small social circle mostly because I work a lot and if I'm not working I have my daughter with me. I literally have 2 friends. Both know everything. One of which I just told the other day. They just kinda seem to not understand why Im still here…which I don't even think I understand anymore.

Ive priced housing and where I stand by myself I have enough a month for rent and thats it. No electricity, water, phone. And when I leave I lose my car, health and dental insurance. I cant afford all of those expenses by myself with my jobs and I don't feel like I can add any money from him for whatever support into the equation. I think thats why Ive stayed this long. Im torn as Im sure I could find a job somewhere with benefits and good pay that would allow me to take care of it all on my own but can I rely on him to be on top of things with her as she gets farther into school and has real homework other than reading 5 words on a page.

Last edited by Japedio (May 2, 2017 9:35 pm)

Foolme · May 3, 2017 2:13 am

Welcome Japedio and so sorry you find yourself here!

Why don't you feel you can share his "secret" with your family? Remember it's your life, not only his secret and you need the support, you need to have people who'll just let you bend their ears time and time again, going over stuff as much as you need. My family know the full truth, I get you might be slower offloading the full situation to them but since you visit 2-3 times a week it sounds like you'd have an amazing support if only they knew. I understand you don't want to ask more of them but that's what family are there for, the bad with the good!

You're doing amazing, holding down two jobs and being there for you daughter, don't belittle what you've achieved in your life so far, you will get through this. You'll have many what I call shaky head moments, where it all just seems so unreal, I still get them 18 mths post TGT.

It is horrible for your husband that he doesn't want to be gay but it's also horrible that he's used you to cover up his secret life! AND he waited for you to find out, didn't respect you enough to be honest with you. You have to remember what this has done to you and what you deserved.

I wish I had suggestions about the financial and living side of things for you, sorry I don't. I do hope things work out for you, you've overcome so much already you deserve to be happy.

Kel · May 3, 2017 9:31 am

Japedio,

You need to go see a lawyer. A consultation is free, and you can meet with as many as you like before choosing one. They can give you some idea of how this should go down. Because your spouse is former military, I would think that it'd be fairly cut and dry about how to get support, and how to figure out how much. You might be surprised to find out just how much support would be coming in between child support and spousal support (at least temporarily). It's worth checking into. In the meantime, gather up some financial statements - proof of how much your husband is pulling in on every disability paycheck, etc.

It's also worth your time to check into what might be available to you via support from the state, county, etc. Get all the numbers on what your monthly income would need to be to qualify for food stamps, WIC food, housing assistance, etc. You don't have to make decisions first in order to gather information. Consider yourself a research expert for now. Just gather, gather, gather. Then you'll have facts for choosing options later. And know that whatever you choose, it doesn't have to be permanent. Choosing to move in with a relative doesn't mean you'll NEVER have your own place again. Getting help from food stamps doesn't make you a charity case, and it doesn't mean it's forever. When I had my youngest child (who is almost 14), I was bankrupt, had a car repossessed, on food stamps, WIC, asking local churches for support, the WORKS. Had a GID husband with a drinking problem, massive depression, and job issues. All of this with a kindergartner, a pre-schooler and a newborn. Now I own am remarried to the most wonderful man I've ever known, own a home and a few nice vehicles and have a regular old life. I would NEVER have seen myself here in this life. And it's not from marrying up - I just...... lucked out. For TEN.YEARS I put off leaving because I couldn't figure out how to make it on my own without the little help my ex was providing. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I held my nose and jumped - into another whole life that I had no idea was waiting for me. It can and does happen. But you can't get somewhere else if you stay sitting in the same spot out of fear. Arm yourself with everything - information, family support, friendship, self-care, & God. Then you'll be as set as anyone ever can and has been.

As for keeping your husband's secret, F*CK.THAT. You don't need to go blab to his friends out of bitterness. But there is NO.REASON you can't go tell your own family. They are YOURS. Blood is thicker than water. We've seen time and time again (on this board) how family will align with their relative, even if their relative is the one in the wrong. They will CERTAINLY align with you when you're right. Once I told my ex that I wanted a divorce (this was before I even confirmed that he was gay), he went to my family and tried to get them all to align with him. He told them that I was out every single night of the week (if running to the grocery store or to drug store for an Rx counts, then I guess I was), that I was cheating, that he was the victim. Those were tough days and months, but in the end, it all comes out in the wash, as they say. I enjoy their support now and he was revealed as a liar trying to manipulate them. Go tell them what's going on. They love you, and they need to know what you're going through. You'd want them to tell you if the shoe were on the other foot.

Your husband isn't being a decent husband, father, or man. You CAN do this on your own. You literally already are.

Best to you -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 3, 2017 9:32 am)

Japedio · May 3, 2017 2:50 pm

I'm not quite sure why I feel I can't tell my family. I feel a sort of guilt for labeling him as gay like I don't know if that's really true or not, but I do he told me. What has he done to me? Maybe I have too much empathy. I do almost feel bad for him because he will lose so much with the truth. I sort of feel like I need his support/permission to leave or that I can't unless he's ok with it. Once again WHAT HAS HE DONE TO ME!? I shouldn't give two fudge sickles what he has to say or how he feels. I don't even know if I would be able to get the words out to my family. When I think about facing them and saying "he's gay I want to leave" I get this nauseous feeling. Im not in love with him and the only thing good he's ever done for me was give me my daughter. Which God gave me he just provided the sperm. I also feel like I'm dumb for staying this long like there's a time limit on handling these kinds of things. I will have to find a way to be courageous and at least tell my mom who will then tell my dad and I'm sure my sister to rally around me. I do have an amazing family. I haven't thought about them being MINE so I shouldn't feel guilty for telling them. Thank you for awakening me to that fact. I've been sorting through things slowing getting prepared for the day I shed my fear. One of my friends knows a good, will work with you on $$, family lawyer and I am going to get his info from her. I too need to find strength to jump into this change. I know I have overcome things in my life that have killed others I just can't seem to get the mindset to start overcoming this. I'm ashamed as if I have something to be ashamed of.

Lyonene · May 3, 2017 6:15 pm

not quite sure why I feel I can't tell my family

I'm in the same boat. Feeling like I can tell no one. Not my family, not his family.

I've been tossing it around and I think it boils down to some kind of privacy invasion feeling. It feels like outing him is somehow not my place but his thing to do. Not sure really, still mulling it all over.

Sorry you find yourself here.

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May 1, 2017 10:16 pm #1

New...Here Goes Nothing!

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May 2, 2017 6:21 am #3

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May 2, 2017 7:54 am #4

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May 2, 2017 10:35 am #5

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May 2, 2017 9:33 pm #6

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May 3, 2017 2:13 am #7

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May 3, 2017 9:31 am #8

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May 3, 2017 2:50 pm #9

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May 3, 2017 6:15 pm #10

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