I know exactly what you're saying. It's been 2 months since my wife told me. I was in shock, like someone had died. It reminded me of the way I felt watching my grandfather suffer from Alzheimer's. He's still here, but somehow the person I loved is still gone.

It was so hard to tell family and friends. Took me a month. I felt like it was my fault somehow (it's not) or like I was going to be judged for not seeing it sooner. It's a hard transition for the mind to make. The person you loved and built a life with doesn't want you anymore. They still love you, but not the way you need them to.

It's tough to see the future when your life suddenly falls apart, but I'm a little better than I was 2 months ago. I have to believe it will get better.

You're in the right place. Just the few comments I've received have been so helpful just by letting me know I'm not the only one dealing with these emotions. You're not alone either.

Hello to the 3 of you.....keep posting.  It gets better, I promise.    We are all here to support you in whatever state you find yourself in.  We get it, when others don't. 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It sucks.

You do NOT need to make decisions that benefit her and not you.  And before you say, "But if she's happy, then I'm happy", think about the sexless marriage you've already been enduring - have you been happy with that just because it's apparently what she wanted?  Don't sacrifice yourself on the alter just so she can be happy.  Opting for an open marriage when that's not what both individuals desire is a mistake.  You can't go back from it.  You can't try it for a few months and then say, "Ummm, turns out this is not good for me.  Soooo, stop sleeping with others now."  She may WANT your permission to sleep with others, but she has NO.RIGHT to expect that out of a relationship that was sealed in a promise of "forsaking all others".

Our gay partners often do this because they're afraid to just lose everything.  They want their cake and they want to eat it, too.  Life doesn't work that way.  If they want to do be with others, then they need to exit the relationship.  They do this because they want their home and their dedicated spouse and no worry over the children's welfare, BUT they want to go be intimate with others.  WHY would they think they're entitled to that?  That's SO.... selfish!  Would you ever in a MILLION years think you could approach your wife and be like, "I think that in order to be sexually fulfilled, I need to sleep with other women.", and have her be like, "Oh, okay - your happiness is more important than any part of our lives - so.... go have fun!  I'll be right here - waiting for you to come home all happy."  You'd be NUTS to think she'd give you her blessing to go do that!  And you'd be nuts to agree quickly to such a thing, too.

Ask more questions.  When did she start feeling this way?  Has she had lesbian experiences in the past?  I'll bet you find out that she's known all along, and just thought she could push those feelings down and have a nice cookie-cutter life.  I'd also bet that she's been cheating on you already.  They want us to think that they haven't - because we'd be too angry with them to see anything but red if that were admitted.  But the truth is.... people don't just risk it all to have sex with others unless they've been DOING that and want to do it without sneaking around.  They think that if they come clean with their desire, and they have permission, they'll then have a guilt-free experience where they have to do less covering and get more time to indulge in their game.  TRUST ME when I say she's already doing this.  She likely already has a girlfriend that she's hoping to be out and about with more openly.  And if she's anything like the other wives here who've done this, she will become obsessed with this other person if allowed to see her.  She will be happier than you've ever seen her - only the happiness will be coming from the other person - NOT you.  And then if that relationship takes off, she'll be willing to exit the marriage to be with her.  If it does the opposite and fizzles, she'll come back and say that she has tried it, and it turns out she's not a lesbian and wants a normal loving marriage now.  And then soon enough, she'll meet someone else and the cycle will continue.

It's not fair to you.  Get mad that you've been lied to for years now.  Get angry that you've been deceived and let to rot while she chases her passion.  Get livid that she'd EVER ask you for permission to do this.  She has no right to this, and you have no obligation to say yes.  If you say no, you'll see her TRUE colors come out.  Try it and see.

Wishing you the best.  Keep stopping by.  We're here.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 2, 2017 10:54 am)

Hi Crafty, welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.

It is a club, it has one song sheet.  Once you've been reading here for a few years you will recognise the verses.

You've now arrived at what I call the double-fuck stage.  She's told you.  Now you think she's being honest with you.  Here's the bad news - no she isn't.  And you're very vulnerable.  You still believe she loves you.  If she did, she'd be the one on the floor crying her eyes out at the pain she's caused you.  

Dead bedroom is a very expressive phrase and for me it sums up the cause of that pain.  Like Kel says, of course you need to get angry.  Getting angry can be constructive, it is not good feeling angry but it doesn't last, and it doesn't change your kindly nature.

You have some pressing reasons why you need to stay and be able to co-operate together.

This is a tough position to be in.  Really tough.  So first thing is to pat yourself on the back for handling it as well as you are.  

I walked out of my dead bedroom without any idea I was married to a gay man, he had always denied it, still does, I believed it was all my fault so I wasn't angry with him just confused - I spent 15 years on the sofa.  well I did get a bed at some point and it was a big sofa in front of the fire but the point is the thing I did was accept that my partner was not giving me emotional support and I needed not to look to him for it because it only hurt more, I had to find it for myself.  I ended up with my own friends and activities after a while.

Personally speaking, I hope you can do better than that and find your way forward to your future quicker than that and this is what I was told when I found this forum - you heal much quicker when you separate and I have found that to be true.
 

Apologies in advance Crafty don't mean to hijack your thread but I have plenty of anger. I've expressed it here I've expressed it in my journal. It's just the being able to express it to her. To say you know what and let it rip. I am actually scared of the  repercussions.Of the all out war I am afraid it is going to cause in the house. My kids have been through enough. It's also tempered by my obviously misguided feelings of love and devotion for her.