OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - iamthelorax
- Member
Offline
Not sure I understand my loneliness
I'm just putting it out there and wondering if this is just part of the process; I'm lonely these days. I don't want my gay ex wife back, I don't like her and feel nothing but resentment for her. I do miss my ex girlfriend but that's not it either.
I'm just feeling...alone. And I don't like it. I'd like to feel content on my own but I'm not. Maybe I'm just having an emotional week, I don't know. I wonder at time, does this mean I'm ready to date again? Seems like a bad reason to meet people though.
- Duped
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
Deleted
Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:39 pm)
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
Just a me too here. If you put a gun to head I would not take my ex back.
But I'm alone for the first time in nearly 3 decades. I've known no life except with her. Thank God for my kids.
One of the biggest things though
of going through this is learning how to be on my own. I was on my own before I met her but I was a teenager then. Alone is ok for me for now..gives me time to figure out who I am. I'm lonely sometimes sure but all I have to is think of the abuse and lies; then being alone is 1000 times better. Peace, solace..no made up drama to make me feel guilty. Thank you God.
Its sad sure...but I think every one on the board here has so much fierce love to give but no one to give it to. I think we should all give ourselves a hug (so to speak) and remind ourselves that we won't cheat, lie and hurt ourselves. In a sentence..I enjoy my own company more than a deceitful disloyal spouse.
Alone is ok for now.. I like to think there are non gay, kind, non narcissistic souls out there..normal people.. and I am getting a taste of what they have...for the first time in years. For those fearful of getting away from their gay spouse..alone is far better than being hurt over and over.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Foolme
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
I feel lonely too but y'know I knew I felt lonely in the marriage too, I just didn't know the reason why. I'm alone, fully alone (kids all moved out) for the first time EVER, I've to work on creating a new life. I'm starting to see things to possibly get involved in which is a start. I'm 18 months post TGT and dating hasn't even entered my thoughts, in face I don't think I'd be very good company for anyone, even myself at present. I'm amazed that some on her have found love shortly after their TGT, good for them but I can't fathom how that happens.
The one thing I do know is it's far better for me to feel lonely alone than to still feel lonely within the marriage and for me to be alone away from the selfishness, deceitful & narcissism. It's better to know the truth (or enough of it) to realise you're better off now. Hopefully a day might come that I feel I'm open to meeting an honest respectful person and that I find one!! LOL
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
I think is part of the process of ending a long-term relationship - no matter what kind. Your daily routines are disrupted to the point where you no longer know what comes next. And so you sometimes just hang out, waiting for life to ring the doorbell or something. Except that people who are truly happy being on their own are seldom truly alone. They are involved in life in many ways - church, volunteering, mentoring, hanging with friends and relatives, making plans to do things they love, or with people they enjoy being with (or both). There are many people in the world that prefer to be alone to being with anyone else - true introverts. Still, that doesn't mean that they're not bored and lonely. We all can be if we aren't doing enough satisfying things.
My recommendation would be to go find some of those things to do. You stand a good chance at meeting someone at one of those events so that you can share interests. You stand a chance at making new friends, being exposed to new viewpoints and adventures. If you sit at home every night alone, you WILL feel lonely and blue eventually - even if you don't want to.
My family just moved in the middle of March to a home we bought. There are tons of friendly neighbors all around us, all of whom have come and introduced themselves. The neighbors across the street asked us to an adult gamenight this past weekend. Hubby and I went. The only people we knew was the couple who owned the house - the new neighbors. And I'd only met them once. Everyone else there were their friends. They meet often to eat, drink and get rowdy. Lol. All 40+ crowd. OMG, we.had.a.BLAST. The drinks were flowing, and their friends were loud, sarcastic and perfect for playing a good game of Cards Against Humanity. We will definitely be hanging out with them again. Not because we're lonely, or even bored. Lord knows we have umpteen million projects on the house right now that we could have been working on. But it's fun as hell to interact with new people, trying something new. Makes life more enjoyable.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Still Wondering
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
Hi Lorax,
You said "you'd like to feel content on your own, but you're not". I think maybe we all have different versions of "content". I'm "content" but I've come to find that content isn't quite enough for me. I have good friends but not the closest family. I have super elderly parents who aren't very close to me or to each other (old Germans who have no clue how to show love) and I have a brother who is autistic. That's it. Other than a few cousins here and there, I'm shit out of luck in the close family department. This is one thing that definitely contributes to my alone factor. I know that any day now my parents could pass and I could truly be "alone" with no one left but a brother who might pop up a few times a year and who would drive right past me if I were stranded on the street. But...nothing I can do about that.
What I've found is that I truly like to spend time alone but I don't like to "feel" alone. I have a boyfriend that I now realize isn't the one for me. There are days where I wake up and think "oh crap, I'm going to have to move on yet again and start all over". And I hate that.
Kel is lucky. I moved into a new neighborhood 2 years ago (after spending 2.5 years in an apartment). I was so looking forward to meeting neighbors and new people, however, no one in this place ever comes out of their homes! It really chaps my ass! In a time where I could use as many new things to do as possible, I get all the crap neighbors! But I digress....
I was always one that was good being alone. But as I've gotten older I realize it's not that I'm ok with being alone, it's that I like my alone time. There's a big difference. I'm not sure if anyone at their core is ok with being alone forever. I'm at the point in my life where I feel like I've accomplished what I want to accomplish, I have good friends, I've gone far enough in my career, I don't feel the need to climb any more ladders or go to any more school, and so I've found that at the end of this path I've taken to get where I am is the fact that the only thing left that I really want/lack/need is a true partner. This is what continues to drive me forward and push me. If it were up to me, I'd watch movies on Saturday nights in my pajamas or maybe have a friend over for pizza or go to the mall. But all the alone time or girlfriend time isn't going to do a thing towards helping me meet my forever person. I work with a whopping total of four people and my neighbors hide away in their homes 24/7 so I know it's up to me to get off my ass and do something about it. And, even though that probably means getting back on to Match and wading through 100s of people, I know that I have to be up for it if I want the end result.
So - my long story is: don't let the feeling lonely thing fool you. I think we all feel that from time to time. It may very well be time to start dating again. That might really be what you're lacking and putting that one piece of the puzzle back into your life might be exactly what you need. If I'm wrong, at least you tried. And at least you know to try something else. But if I'm right.... 
Last edited by Still Wondering (May 1, 2017 2:21 pm)
- Tinkerbell
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
I've started looking into groups on Meetup. Like I love to hike (funny my husband never did) so I figured I could join a hiking group and get out. It should at least help to get out a do things even though I understand the feeling alone might be a whole other level of alone.
- Demons-halo
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
I think we all feel it on some level. I have been feeling lonely a lot. It's why I finally reached out to this group. It helped a little but I still miss having someone to hold. Someone to say I love you to and know it will be returned and be real. Someone to share my life with. But at the same time I don't want to start trying to fill that hole because it would not be fair to whoever I found. I don't want to bring anyone else into this mess.
- iamthelorax
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
Thanks for your responses everyone. I've been thinking about what you said and you're right, I haven't been putting myself out there enough. I haven't gone to jiu jitsu classes in over a month and I haven't done salsa classes in much longer than that. Also, my son no longer plays inter city football and I don't have the football parents to hang and chat with anymore.
I think I put everything to the side when was dating and I should have made an effort to keep up my hobbies. It really did feel good to be in a relationship, maybe I'll try dating again when I stop missing the ex girlfriend. It was a tumultuous relationship but she really brought a lot.
- •
Thread Starter- Demons-halo
- Member
Offline
Re: Not sure I understand my loneliness
Tinkerbell wrote:
I've started looking into groups on Meetup. Like I love to hike (funny my husband never did) so I figured I could join a hiking group and get out. It should at least help to get out a do things even though I understand the feeling alone might be a whole other level of alone.
I actually like hiking to bad we probably live nowhere near each other. Lol