It's entirely reasonable for so many of you to fear striking out again in the dating world, thinking that if you didn't recognize the big lie the first time, then you're just a poor judge of character.  However, it turns out to be a fear most of us don't need to worry so much about.  For several reasons.  The biggest of which is that you're a much wiser person now.  If we had to all go back to high school again, we'd likely all fare MUCH better now.  I know I would.  Because I'm wiser now.  I would know not to bother trying to be popular and which boys were just wanting to take advantage of me.  I'd worry a lot more about my education now that I understand how important it is.  I'm more self confident now and I own what I like and dislike - no matter how nerdy it appears to others.  Dating is not unlike that.  You are a different person now than you were before, and you're more cautious of red flags, and you understand that you shouldn't ignore them.  Your radar is heightened.  You read body language better.  The whole nine yards, people.

The other part is that when you're older, you know yourself better.  And so do the people you're dating.  There's a complete lack of bullshit the next time around.  Men came right out and told me what they wanted, and they weren't lying.  Some simply told me that they were looking for someone to spend time with (read: sex), but not a relationship.  Others said they just wanted someone to go out on dates with and enjoy stimulating conversation with, but were too busy between their career and their children to complicate their lives further.  Others said they liked to just sail along and see where things went, but that the didn't like the traditional trappings of a relationship (that meant don't expect me to call you every day or say I love you).  You are able to talk about your real life, and how you think, and what you do and don't want out of intimacy.  There were a few liars out there, but they were pretty darned transparent.  It was easy to walk away from that.

The third reason is because by the time you get into your forties and beyond, most people have come to a place in their lives where they aren't interested in keeping up the facade any longer.  If you're gay (even secretly), why would you tie yourself down to another woman when you can just do whatever you want with your free time?  Now, I know there are several people out there who have these exact ex spouses - they've moved on from one st8 spouse to the next.  Truly weak people who will never be able to admit they're gay.  But there are fewer and fewer of those as the years roll by.  People just grow weary of the game of trying to hide who they really are.  Statistically, you're less and less likely to run across GID people the older you/they get.

There are millions of wonderful but lonely people out there that have been dealt a poor hand.  Maybe they're widows, maybe they had a cheating spouse.  Maybe their spouse was abusive or maybe they just couldn't stop fighting in front of their kids.  Maybe they had a spouse with mental illness who wasn't interested in treating it.  There are a million different reasons for a million different people.  They're out there, they're wonderful, and they will cherish you and enjoy the hell out of life with you.  All you have to do is keep turning over rocks until you find the one that floats your boat.  From the time my husband finally left the house until the time I met my current husband was a total of 4 months.  I'd dated some before that (we both did - it took him forever to leave), but that was more playing the field and getting to understand what I wanted.  By the time I met my current husband, I had sowed my wild oats and understood that I wanted any relationship in my future to be able to go the full distance.  I wasn't going to get involved with anyone who could never see themselves marrying again, or who lived far away and couldn't see themselves relocating.  I knew what I needed out of a partner, and what I didn't.  I knew my lifestyle and what it was going to look like, and how someone had to be if they were going to fit into that.  It wasn't difficult to keep eliminating people until I came to the one that I couldn't find a damned thing wrong with.  He's got his faults, just like me.  But they were more minor annoyances vs. big issues.  But I could see SO clearly that he and I were perfectly made for each other.  We worked on a level that was practically effortless.  I've never been so sure of anything in my life as I was when I married that man.  NOTHING like my former marriage.

You will know it's right when it's right.  Don't fear, friends.  Cross that bridge when you come to it, but know that it's not nearly as difficult as you might think it would be.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 24, 2017 5:12 pm)

Kel - I  just love your insight. You hit the nail on the head on so many levels, I love seeing you've posted, especially a long one, you just know it's going to be a great read!

I also fell into the mindset what would people think if I ended my marriage because he doesn't make me feel special enough, how selfish would that come across to people to do to our three children, there was the greater good than what I felt internally. My mother was widowed aged 31 with 4 very young children, my father got his final stroke when the youngest was just 6 months, died two years later. She always struggled through life providing for us. Could you imagine if I'd said to her he just doesn't seem to care whether I'm around or not, he was coming home every night, bringing in a good wage and providing the perfect lifestyle on the outside. I know when I did say to her he wasn't home until such time last night her reply was just be grateful he came home at all and brings home a good wage, he works hard for you all! So yes I sacrificed myself for my family. I've been completely shoved under the bus by him since he was outed. I know I should apply the not my monkey phrase but when you feel you put up with so much for "for the greater good" it's so insulting and demoralising to realise now you're just being sacrificed to save face and he's not even in denial anymore, he's out loud and proud, unfortunately his narcissism is out as loud and proud also.

Thanks Kel.
My journey has just started and right now I am still in that weird limbo state because unlike you and others I can't bring myself to just bail. I can't I have 3 other people in my life who are looking to me for stability and answers. And I love them as much as I still love her. But it's something to look forward to. That other people have gone through this and came out the other side with better then what they had before.

Just read a post by Piper.
What have I done???????????
I didn't want to hijack her post because that is for her.
Logically I know it's wrong and really not healthy but,emotionally I would love if my wife invited me to her bed or jumped in bed with me. Just being able to touch her again. Lie down next to her and hold her. The sex wasn't great and hasn't been for at least 5 years. She would just lie there like a corpse. It got to the point I started having performance issues.
But just being there touching her, holding her started to be everything to me because honestly that was all I was really getting. Sometimes I really hate that I still love her. I hate being who I am. I have told her many times I wish I could be like her and not care anymore this would be so much easier. So much easier if on the day she told me. I ignored her crying and told her F*** you see you in court and walked away. But that's not me. I still have the feelings of a good husband. FML

Demons,

Yeah I will always love my ex on some level.  But not the person she is now..I love the person she was (even if it was false) and the idea of her being the way she was.

But that is not reality.  She burned every bridge while divorcing me.  I am physically afraid if her...if you put a gun to my head I would not want to be with her. 

I have the opposite problem of Piper and feel for her..I don't know what I would do if my ex had been giving me mixed signals.  I certainly wanted nothing to do with her physically after I knew where she had been.  I would have liked if she had been humane and kind during the seperating process  but she just couldn't be civil.