Hi Demons-halo. 

Welcome to our group.  I'm so glad you found us and that you've been sharing and communicating.  

In your last post you seem to beat yourself up a lot over past mistakes and shortcomings.   My friend.. we all have weaknesses and imperfections.  None of us had a perfect marriage.  There is no such thing as perfection.  But with genuine love comes perseverance and forgiveness and the desire to work through those imperfections.  When that genuine and complete love isn't present in both parties things just won't work out.  You need to realize that you aren't the cause of the big issue.. her homosexuality.  You could be the best husband in the world.. but if you have a wife who wants to be a lesbian and find a woman you can't save it.  Stop beating yourself up.. don't take the blame for a ruined marriage because it would be ruined regardless of your shortcomings. 

You're a good man.  I can tell from reading your posts that you loved her completely.  In fact, even now when she's begun to separate herself from you, you still love her.  You love your kids completely.  You are mature enough to take ownership of your shortcomings and want to fix them.  These are fantastic attributes.  Have hope my friend.   Take the high road, get through the hard times and you will find joy and peace on the other side. 

Let us know what we can do to help you get there. 

Demons,

You are NOT at fault here.  You may have done some things in your relationship that you would do differently if you had the chance to do it all over again.  I don't think there's a single one of us on the planet that doesn't feel that way - even if we're in amazing relationships.  I'd do a ton differently with my kids.  I'd be a different child to my parents, a different sister to my siblings.  I'd eat differently, change my education, hell - everything about me, given the chance to do it all better.  But such is the human condition and experience.  Live and learn, as they say.  The only people who haven't f'd their kids up in some way are the people who haven't been parents.  Lol.  But we can do nothing about these things.  We can only do better now with the newfound knowledge.  And you HAVE been.

Part of you feels like if you'd have taken a different approach to your marital problems in the past, she might not be so resentful today.  And maybe that's true - MAYBE.  But nothing you could have done would change her sexuality.  She didn't "become" a lesbian because her man pissed her off, and she decided to go in a different direction.  Is there ANYthing she could do to you to make you turn gay?  HELL no.  So it wouldn't have mattered if you were perfect, hon.  She's gay.  And she knew it, too.  She just didn't want it to be true.  And when she found someone who she really did love as a person and a friend, she thought she could make it work.  She was wrong.  But instead of just saying, "I was wrong and I'm sorry", she has decided instead to make you the fall guy.  Why?  Because she can't stand to look at herself as a failure.  Or can't stand to see that she didn't try hard enough to keep the wolves at bay.  Whichever, it was a weakness to her.  She's not going to admit that.  So she has to place the blame somewhere.  So she's going to bring up every.single.thing that you made a poor decision on in the past.  Yeah, that'll show him that this is all HIS fault!  Well, it's NOT.  The only way that works is if you drink the coolaid.  NOTHING you have ever done would make her turn lesbian.  NOTHING.  So stop listening to everything you've ever done as evidence of why she just can't get back that lovin' feeling.  Literally none of it has anything to do with her being gay.  Two separate issues.

It's going to be difficult to stop defending her.  You know why?  Because it has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with who you are.  Most of the st8 spouses I've come across have a certain personality type that makes us perfect for our GID spouses.  We are accepting, non-judgemental, giving, loving, fair, kind, emotional, sympathetic, empathetic, sacrificing.  Those are the personality traits that made it work as long as it did.  And they are the traits that are going to make it difficult to extricate yourself.  Don't go changin' - you're perfect just the way you are.  But realize that she is using YOUR HEART against you - as a WEAPON.  She knows you are empathetic - so she will appeal to that trait.  She knows you give everyone the benefit of the doubt - so she will use that to her advantage.  She knows you want the best for everyone, so she tries to get you to see that the best thing for everyone is to lay yourself down for them all.  A person who truly loves you doesn't want you to lay down and be walked on!  They want the best for you!  She KNOWS what she's doing, hon.  She just thinks you're dumb enough to believe it all.  Stop taking that pill.  It's killing you.  You don't need to change who you are - you can still give others the benefit of the doubt.  But stop giving it to her - she's shown you that she has alterior motives.  She does not deserve the benefit of the doubt any more.  She knows that.  But as long as you keep giving it to her, she'll keep taking it.  And she'll make you feel guilty if you don't.  So what?  She earned that doubt - let her lie in that bed she made.  She's not asked for your forgiveness - stop giving it to her.

Take the time you need to lick your wounds.  To come to terms with this and to make decisions.  To heal.  You cannot heal all the way until you get out of the situation.  But you can begin to detach yourself emotionally.   She's already done that, which is why it's so easy for her to be cruel to you.  One doesn't have to be cruel to detach, but it's so much easier to be cruel when you detach.  Which is why she's so easily doing it.  Stop being on her side - she's not on yours.  She'd detached and given herself away.  Stop acting like you shouldn't be livid with her.  You can't win her back by being well-behaved at this point.  Stop trying.

As for her past abuse, that's terrible.  However, you can't keep paying for what someone else did to her.  At some point, we all need to become adults and work on our faults and shortcomings.  If we can't, then we don't need to be in a relationship and hurt others.  Nothing she or you or anyone else can do will take away her past.  It is what it is.  Your past is your past, too.  She's using it as an excuse.  You can't heal her by letting her drink all your blood.  It's HER job to work on her, and nothing you can ever do will make that go away.  You've got your own shit to deal with.  You're not throwing it on her back.

I wish you all the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 24, 2017 11:29 am)

Kel, Phoenix
All I can say is wow. Reading what both of you wrote especially Kel's. Left me speechless in a good way. I can't thank everyone here enough. I am so glad I finally decided to post here. To share our stories our weakness and give each other strength.

Nutmeg0516 wrote:

That's completely true. That's why I will be nervous to date again. I don't want to end up in the same boat or worse.

I was actually thinking about that today. I was never overly confident before which was why her chasing me demanding I talk to her  was such a mind blower for me.
But now how can I possibly trust anyone again after this. It has left such a mark emotionally, mentally. A good portion of the time I feel so alone. I miss the closeness having her in bed next to me having someone in my life to hold. It's crushing at times.

Phoenix, you wrote "we love fully and deeply and we keep on loving even after most sane people would throw in the towel."  thanks for that.  It is so true.