T.his is my first post. So sorry if it feels like you are reading a novel. I have been struggling alone for two years now.
Two years ago during a anxiety attack my wife told me she thought she was gay. Our marriage wasn't perfect at the time. But we were starting to actively work on it together. Needless to say as soon as the words came out all I felt was numb. But, at the same time I wanted to be there support her. Some back story might be needed here. My wife and I have been together for 15 years. It had ups and downs like most marriages do. When I first met her it was at work. I am shy at first I have to get to know someone first before I open up. But she kept at it everyday she saw me to get me to talk to her. That tenacity blew me away I had never met anyone like her before. She was kind, open hearted, non judgmental  funny as hell and just awesome to talk to, to be with. There was a 10 year difference between us. But it didn't matter I feel in love with her. She moved away for awhile but we talked every Friday night for hours and I would send her a card that she would receive every Wednesday. Usually just something funny. But she moved back up here and we officially started going out. Years later we had our first son (we have 3 kids 2 boys 1 girl) and I lost my job all at the same time it was rough but we moved into a basement apartment at her grandfather's house. Then we had our daughter and her grandfather got sick. She stepped up and took care of him. Which I respect her so much for but this is when things started going down hill. I would try to get alone time for just us. Dinner on our anniversary, a night out to see a movie.Even her dad started giving us movie passes and gift cards to go out to eat every Christmas and he would say you have to take care of your marriage to. But, there was always something more important. I started feeling neglected so I gave up asking. That feeling grew in me and I started to neglect her. I own this it was my mistake. I could have handled it better. What become our alone time was sex. Looking back big red flag. Which you will see. We got married and had our youngest son. Then she started having trouble orgasming during sex. But by this time I was so locked in my head that I didn't listen I took it personal because it was the last part of her I felt I had. Again could have handled it better. Flash forward some more and we reach the present. I finally got my head out of my ass and said our marriage is broken and I love her to much to let this continue. We got books and started doing the exercises. It was working. But then it happened her anxiety. It hit because we both had messed up childhoods that contained abuse.I will not go into details on hers out of respect and I am sure you will figure it out. Mine was physical and mental. But our daughter was about to turn 8 and that was when my wife's abuse started. She broke down in tears I knew about it and we talked and in the middle of that talk she said I think I might be gay. For the past two years we have tried marriage counseling our own personal counselors
but it just seems like whenever we get some where good some where stable she destroys it. I don't know why. Great example marriage counseling. We were making head way we were talking, laughing it started to feel like us again. Then in the middle of a session she says I feel like I am doing these sessions to not be gay anymore. Our counselor and my mouth hit the floor at the same time. What??????
Our session ended with our counselor saying to take some time before our next session. So 3 weeks later we went back for our counselor to say I can't help you. I was devastated on the drive home my wife looks at me and says stop acting like a martyr I don't believe you. It was crushing. She has put in pot shots of and on, and I have just excepted it as punishment for neglecting her. But alot came out during those sessions.
She never connected to me romantically
As she puts it she "loved" me in her way. She never connected during sex she only got off because I was enjoying myself. This to me is so hard to understand. She wants to co-parent in the same house her grandfather has passed and she lives upstairs with our daughter  while I live downstairs with my boys. Emotional distance is diffently not possible in this situation. I still love her. But she has changed so much that it feels like the person I met years ago was just a dream, a lie. The feeling of betrayal is so heavy in my heart right now which as funny considering she was the first one to say I betrayed her because she feels i didn't honor her like our vows say. She has repeated all of my
Mistakes every one these things that hurt her. For the past two years I have stood by her,supported her both financially,mentally even stood up for her against attacks from my family been her biggest supporter for her going back to school and getting her GED. I have done everything to not repeat past mistakes. I have stayed open not closing myself off again. I feel in my heart it is possible to make this work to be stable to be happy. And I know I am going to hear alot about that last statement but it's ok. It's like there is a divide between our family now. My kids and me on one side wanting everything to work to be better and her on the other side rebelling and tearing down whenever something good happens. She's trying to force things to be her way and her way only. I can't even speak my mind anymore because it automatically pisses her off. I don't know who she is anymore. I commented once during a fight that if her old self was here seeing this she would kick your ass and her response was yes she would. I don't know if she is struggling to. If she wants it to work and she doesn't know how. It just seems like anger is her only way of expressing herself and I feel like a punching bag for that frustration. I may have lost the structure I was going for with this post. Lol
Alot of thoughts and feelings and it's hard to keep things straight sometimes.
Ok I think I have babbled long enough but I have seen alot of common threads from other posts I have read here. The feeling of betrayal, the anger, the sadness and confusion. I thought I would finally try to find support for me. Until next time.