what hurt the most was the lies and manipulation that had my brain all twisted in knots. A close second was the big reveal after she found out I was in a relationship, confirming the last decade and a half was a complete con.

Funny part is that even though I'm still hurt/angry about the whole thing, i look at her now and realize she wasn't worth an of it.

What has hurt me the most has been that in order to prevent me revealing anything to our four children, he controlled and manipulated them into having such contempt for me that I have not been able to have a loving relationship with my own children. He did this so well that even though I took all financial, education and housing responsibility their minds and hearts belonged to him.
When I married him I expected it to be for life and that I would have a husband a best friend and a loving family. I now have a proper straight husband and best friend, but still no family. That last bit is about to change as I have , after 26 years, decided to tell my children MY truth. One down, three to go! Wish me luck 😝

Motheroffour - Something very similar happened to me.  Neither of my children speak to me, but they have a relationship with their father.  I do get a rare email from one of them (they are in their 30's now).  None of us really knew about his sexual orientation at the time of the divorce (13 years ago), but subsequently I figured it out.  In the meantime, he got them to thinking I was the worst thing on the planet and successfully discouraged them from having any relationship with me.  Over the last 2 years, I have sent a couple of emails to the one child I infrequently hear from telling her about her father's orientation and how it has become apparent that that was the underlying issue in the divorce.  I have heard nothing back about it.  She initially sent a few more messages than usual, they were a little warmer than usual (usually no warmth at all, but a cold business tone), and now I am back to hearing nothing.

Yes it is helpful for me to think that at least I "put it out there" and that I now live in a reality and truth that wasn't there before, but just because you are doing it, does not mean that your kids will follow suit.  Motheroffour - maybe that is why your husband (I think this is you from another post) said your kids might hate you even more.  Sometimes members of a family are ready for truth at different times.  If everyone is not in a position to hear it or handle it, they could just continue to sling mud and reject.  I have come to the conclusion that we all just have to accept the truth in our own way and time, but that some might never.  Again, at least I can say that I live with the truth now, and that I have done everything I can to share that truth with my kids.  If they cannot or will not accept it, there is just nothing more I can do, but yes, it hurts more than anything else I have ever experienced in my life!.  They are well into adulthood and whatever they may or may not eventually accept themselves is way beyond my control at this point.

I believe their father is still in the closet and telling them the reason he does not have a serious woman in his life is because he was so hurt by me.  That has always been the "party line" that the 3 of them have adhered to.  

Every situation is different, though, so the absolute best of luck to you.

Hi Pheonix,

     I found out 9 months ago-and had a baby 5 months ago. I just moved out 3 weeks ago. There is a lot to post (just made a post about my husband meeting men and transgender women). I am probably an exception to what your theory is. I have kept everything to myself and have recently moved out and have told a few close friends. The emotional support has been amazing. Our relashonship has turned so awful because I decided to stay because of the baby, lease etc. for me, the hardest thing to get over is the sex part of it. For me, that is one of the biggest ways I feel and show love. I'm the beginning it was great and pretty quickly died down. I was ALWAYS sexually frustrated but I loved him so much so I believed him when he said he just didn't have a high libido due to Vicodin. I was always crying and feeling rejected. Now, I know that I am a mess and trying to move on with my life, but I now still have no partner when he has so many. It's like he took every part of me and then said he didn't want it. But the feeling rejected and denied a basic human need (that I apparently still won't be getting any time soon) is what I think has caused me the most pain. Finding out what he was doing felt horrible, but at this point at least it is somewhat of an explanation. I am very sorry for what you went through as well.

Great replies from everyone.  Thanks for having this conversation.  I think it's helpful for me and hopefully everyone to do some soul searching and try to identify which aspects of our emotions were hurt. 

Nutmeg and lily.  Thanks for sharing that the physical part was hardest for you as well.  Clearly there is not a blanket rule that says all men must feel a certain way and all women must feel a certain way.  It's good to hear that other people understand how I feel in this area  (not just men either). 


So how do we heal?

I have found that time helps.  I think we can all safely say that we will eventually find the pain diminish. 
But how can we be pro-active and move forward to find a healthy peace of mind?