Dear Jesse: I'm in your shoes in that I've been with my husband nearly 12 years, and I, too, can't stop loving him. He was an emotional abuser and would go months giving me total silent treatment. He was distant in the end, never ever looked at my body which is toned from yoga and fit. You are fortunate in that he did come out. Mine is a lawyer in complete denial, telling everyone in our family and friend's circle that I'm "just crazy." All of us suffering abuse from our GH's need to for a moment take out the Gay Thing. Examine all the other abuses, and you'll see even that is PLENTY enough to leave their sorry, lying, selves. Then add the horrific trauma of TGT (The Gay Thing) and you'll see there is no way these assholes are remotely WORTHY of our love. Please keep posting. This group has been so good for me. The members are caring and supportive.

Hi Jesse,

Gay in denial men often marry women because they don't want to admit they're gay.  They try very hard to fool everyone in their lives that they are straight - not only you, but the family they grew up with.  If a man can fool his parents and siblings and other extended family, then he is a master at this acting, so of course he was able to fool you.  It does not mean that you are naive or foolish.  It does not make it your fault for "picking poorly".  You were given false information - in every sense of the word.  You were told an "alternate truth" with words, body language, commitment, actions, and at least some sexual desire.  YOU are not the problem here - you believed what he told you because you believed in your spouse.  And you took his word and actions at face value.  That's the sign of a truly pure person - one who is strong and clear in their love.  It is part of the reason why he chose YOU to be the person to (unknowingly) assist him in his facade.  Because you were the perfect victim - kind, giving, trustful, genuine.  You were the perfect cover.  Not because of anything you did wrong - but because of the combination of your good qualities.

The problem he didn't foresee is him being not being able to continue to lie to himSELF.  In the end, that's the only person he wasn't fooling.  And somewhere along the line - somehow - it became less important to fool others than it did for him to not fool himself.  That SHOULD have been the truth all along, but it took him time to come around to that, I guess.

This is a tremendous heartbreak that we here unfortunately all know too well..  It's different and worse than our a straight spouse having cheated on us, or deciding that they wanted to be free.  And that's because it goes to the core of the relationship - the very first and most important thing you assumed about him.  He was a man, and he was straight.  If that hadn't been true, then the rest wouldn't have mattered for you.  So the whole house of cards was built on a lie.  Additionally, it re-writes our past in many ways.  When a straight spouse falls out of love with you, or cheats, you can at least look back at your photos and touch your memories and remember when you were both happy.  But this - this means that there was never really a time when he was happy.  And that makes you sick to your stomach.  He hasn't just stolen your future from you, but also your past, too.  It's like extreme vertigo - everything's just spinning and you feel like throwing up.  You have no idea where the ground is anymore because it was pulled out from under you.

Please do as Piper says and re-examine your entire relationship.  It's very difficult for someone to be a perfect spouse when never truly loving their partner all the way.  As you get further from his admission, you will have truths revealed to you through your own understanding.  You will see that he likely wasn't this perfect man.  That he was always selfish and entitled in many ways.  You simply cannot be that way about the largest part of your marriage and not have it seep into all sorts of other smaller areas of your relationship, too.  He could have been gay and decided to risk coming out.  But he was scared, and he put YOU on the alter in order to save himself.  Because he was a coward.  It's not him being gay that was ever truly the problem - he could have come out and never have married and hurt a woman this way.  But he didn't - because he felt entitled to be dishonest in order to get what he wanted - at YOUR cost.  The problem all along was/is that he's selfish, self-centered and entitled.  Otherwise he wouldn't have thought it okay to do this to anyone.

You did nothing wrong, Jesse.  NOTHING.  You were so wonderful that even a gay man could see himself marrying you.

If you want to see his true colors, try banging out some ideas on how you can both survive separately moving forward.  Whatever you do, do NOT use the same lawyer as he does for the divorce.  Not in your best interest.  Choose your own lawyer, too.  Start gathering financial paperwork, which your lawyer will want eventually.  In the meantime, a consult with a lawyer is always free.  They will give you advice on next steps, what to expect in your state, etc.

Keep stopping by.  We're here for you.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 17, 2017 12:45 pm)

JessesGirl,

Lots of good responses here.   The shock though is like getting hit by a bus and we have a hard time believing it  or the responses here.

You did nothing wrong to cause this.
They cannot undo the gay...ounce you see it or they say  it (an admission some of us never got) there is no  going back..  no do-overs..  no apology, no fix.     In a sentence;  when he goes out with the guys now for a beer you will forever wonder if its friends getting together or a date.   

Breathe,  take a step back.  Start building your support system to help you process and get through this.
You took a first step by posting here.    Small baby steps to move forward.

Since e-hug  (because we don't get sincere authentic ones)
 

Welcome, so sorry, we've all been through this in one form or another, some of us have endured decades and decades of marriage, others less, but we all know the horrific pain. It's like none other. But it will get better, it really will. We are here for you.

Thank you all for your responses. They have all helped me to know that I am not alone in this mess.