The kids are de facto mine, not legally. From a legal aspect, I'm probably well off. However, emotionally I'm tied to them and vice versa.

The biological father was a druggie and I'm the only dad they've really known. Funny, if she wanted a beard, he was the best fit for that job. 

The oldest is grown and the others are late teens so they are good. They look to me because the gay spouse has been focused solely on herself most of the time and I've been the stable one who's there 90% of the time.

Carl, no of course you don't need to argue the point with your wife.  Just don't believe her.  It is so hard to accept that the person you trust the most in life is having you on.  It's painful and initially you try to find ways to make it more acceptable.  She didn't know she was having you on (yes she did).  She's come clean now (no she hasn't).

If it hurts bad you are still alive.  You are fighting for yourself.  The anodyne you need is trust in yourself.  Kindness towards yourself - these take time to build but are good for you.  Everything you are doing now is building it, you won't realise til you look back and see how much stronger you've become.  The anodyne of being charmed by your wife is quite the reverse.  You need to understand this - the pain you are in, this is the consequence of believing in your wife.

You were not wrong to believe in your wife.  That's life, we have to take risks.  The anxiety you feel is only natural, the person you trusted the most is turning out to be untrustworthy.

You will be okay in the long run, these are the hardest yards - I likened it to waking up in the burns ward of life, after a while you realise you have plenty of company and you know that it's intensive care but you will improve.  

The love you have given your wife - this is you, you will not lose it.  You will be the same person through all of this so always be ready to give yourself a hug and a pat on the shoulder and take your side in everything.  

Carl,

Lots of folks coming to your support here with good advice.. Kel will tell it like it is...we need to hear this.

I  played babysitter while my then wife was out having sex.  I funded and supported her affair.    No admission from her to this day  but I had snooped found out all the horrible stuff.      I  kept all my vows and promised to the
end;  even as she raged and swore as she tried to take the kids from me and have me live on the street.

A gay cheating wife;  I  could not do it anymore.. it was demeaning and traumatizing.   If I could be blunter than Kel;   she is not your friend anymore...even a casual friend would treat you better.   You write in your post " She's still my best friend and confidante. ".    One of the hardest things to realize is...no ..no she is not.     It's like asking a robber for support after he has robbed you.    Its a sick, bizarre thing when you trust someone so completely and they are betraying you without reimorse or concern.    One needs to detach from the person they trust the most because they are the ones are causing our pain..  Don't think (as they want you to believe) that is it you that has a problem.  You know deep in your gut its not you.


You've taken good first steps...build your support system.    Do not move out.   Do not try to solve any of her problems that she created.     

We are worth so much more than these  horrible spouses..   we are authentic and loyal.. compassionate and true...   They do not deserve spouses such as us.    Our kids also need a parent with fierce love for them that puts them first.   No matter what these gay spouses think or say...they are not putting the kids first.  

Do what needs to be done...it is  an emergency  and in an emergency you call the proper people to help.


 

Last edited by Rob (April 19, 2017 6:56 am)