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1 of 1- caering8
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Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
I don't really know if it will be helpful to get this out, but I figure it can't. I met the man I would marry when I was 20 years old, we dated quickly and fell madly in love in the first month after dating. Our college years were spent having so much fun together but he graduated before me and moved for a job. I decided to follow him upon graduation and we began our life together in a new state. We grew closer then ever as we relied solely on each other. We got engaged and had a beautiful, amazing wedding.
We were so in love and people would constantly comment about how perfect our relationship was. We were #Relationshipgoals. About a year ago we moved again to a new state. My husband was never one to have many male friends. Upon moving to another new state he tried to make new friends and met this guy, who turned out to be gay. I trusted him and thought nothing of it. That was only 2 weeks ago. He felt connected to this man and decided to disclose to him. From there, i noticed immediately he was acting different and called him out this past Monday. He admitted he is attracted to men. We fought, we cried, we discussed. He told me our marriage was real and he did/ does love me more then anything. So told him if he could still be monogaomus, i could deal with this and work through it with him. I told him i would be willing to spice up our sex life however he wanted. For two days, we discussed this option and yesterday he decided he would rather come out of the closet.
I feel like i am coping with the death of a family member.. i am lost, confused and alone. I still love him and that makes it worse. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my everything and i do not know how to do life without him. In addition to those emotions, i feel betrayed and am unsure how i will ever trust another man again. He and i would constantly say "we don't understand divorce, there is nothing either of us could do that would ever make us get divorced" yet somehow we are here. I don't know how to move forward. I feel sad for him and his hard path ahead, his family will not be accepting of this and he lives in a city where my friends and family were the center of our lives. I feel sad for myself at the loss of the future i had planned for and envisioned.
How do people cope? Is there hope for a friendship without resentment? Can you move on and find new love ever again?
- phoenix
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
caering8,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It's not fair.. it's awful to find your life competely disrupted and your future destroyed. It's awful to find out the person you thought you knew so well has been a fraud. I've lived it.. We all have. Welcome to the a place where you can find people who know what you are going through. We are here to support you through this struggle. You will get through this and you will be happy again.
How do people cope.. One day at a time. Sometimes hour by hour.. one foot in front of the other. You deal with only the things you have the energy to deal with and need to be dealt with that day. You find a Dr. and get meds to help with depression, anxiety, sleeplessness if necessary. You build a support group of local friends or family that you can count on rather than trying to keep the secret for yourself. You find a therapist you can work with to help you understand your feeling and emotions. You post here and share your struggles and we help you through it. It takes time, but you will get through this. Things get better with time. The pain lessens and the roller coaster becomes more even.
Is there hope for friendship without resentment? Yes! There are many str8 spouses who are still friends with their gay ex's. You can do this if you chose. But I will say that this depends very much on how he chooses to act. Many of the gay ex's don't ever admit they are gay. Most of them cheat on us by having sex with others while married to us. Many of them emotionally abuse us by lying to us, gaslighting us, controlling us.. some even physically abuse their str8 spouses. You are not lucky to have a gay spouse of course, but you could be lucky to have one who admitted the truth to you before cheating on you and will chose to love you through this struggle and divorce process.
Can you move on and find new love... Absolutely!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Abby
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
I am glad for your sake that he concluded that he preferred to come out rather than allowing you to freely live in his closet.You may not be able to see this now through your tears but you would not have lived "happily ever after.
My post-marriage confessed "bi" guy did not leave the closet and go "Bye" until after his parents died and our children were young adults. Because of the children I have maintained a cordial relationship with him but I would describe it a business relationship and not a friendship. True friends do not treat other people like this. Your husband admitted he was gay only when he met a man he was attracted to, as mine finally did. Not.Good.Behavior.
You are young and will want to date again. Keeping your ex in your social circle will send mixed signals as to your readiness to move on, to others who might want to try to set you up on dates, to men you meet, and - most importantly - to yourself. Keep telling yourself you deserve better and put this chapter of your life behind you. I wish you well.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Demons-halo
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
My wife and I were the same way.
Best friends. Which is what sucks the most. Not only are you losing your partner your wife/husband but you are also losing your best friend.
- Rob
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
It sucks yes. Losing a best friend, spouse, lover, confidant. ....real authentic love.
It a little deja vu in a way ... it's like losing a friend in grade school because they started hanging with the mean bully crowd or another group of kids that do not like you.
Its particularly scary because you thought your spouse loved you and your relationship was different or stronger than kids on the playground.
They are not our friends anymore..someone that loves you would not do this to you. They would not hurt you. We love them but..and it hurts...they do not really love us the same..it's scary.
I urge anyone going through this to grieve ..then gather strength and do what is morally right. And morally right is not confiding in someone that has betrayed you on a fundamental and basic humanity level. Our strong absolute love was reciprocated with deceit. ..
When they say they love us...it frightenly ..is not true. We want it to be.. but it is not.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Demons-halo
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
Rob wrote:
Its particularly scary because you thought your spouse loved you and your relationship was different or stronger than kids on the playground.
This right here spot on.
I thought our friendship was strong that it would withstand anything. We had so many talks about when we had a family what we wanted we even talked about what we would want if things went bad. We have been unable to make any of that happen. It's heart breaking.
Last edited by Demons-halo (April 23, 2017 5:37 pm)
- Tinkerbell
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
I completely understand feeling like you are grieving a loss. That is totally how I feel... it is almost worse then them being gone because they are still here just not who they were or who you thought they were before.
- Demons-halo
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
I completely understand feeling like you are grieving a loss. That is totally how I feel... it is almost worse then them being gone because they are still here just not who they were or who you thought they were before.
Exactly I have heard alot about how it's the same steps as greiving/mourning but how in the hell do you go through the steps of mourning when they are still there. When they are going to be a part of your life because of the kids.
- Rob
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Re: Lost, confused, alone - Loving Marriage ended abruptly with Coming out
We mourn...we cry. We see them sure but they are no longer the person we knew. I'm trying to move on with my new life..a life without my ex but my kids are still part of my life. My ex she is a distant part of my life.. I have a use for her.. she can watch the kids every other weekend. She can pay for stuff for the kids. It true so far she's found a way to ruin holidays but I'm working on that.
We need to find some use for the ghost or shell if the spouse we had.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7