jkpeace/Kel

Kel you're so spot on, love your view on each and every post you comment on. I'd be in line for the stand up too!

JK, I get your sister has empathy for your ex but where's the empathy for YOU? How can see not put herself totally in YOUR shoes? If you've been keeping some information from her now's the time to inform her and the real situation. Oh I how we lived our lives thinking of our MEN, I did the exact same and look where it got us? I feel we should all club together and write a book - What NOT To DO!!

You're entitled to feel safe and secure in your home and definitely in your bedroom. Don't feel bad about changing the locks, you needed that. His issue to solve if he's to spend time with the children or study. Not your orchestra to conduct anymore, he made that decision not you! You're just playing the cards you were dealt! You're reacting to situation as opposed to causing them!

One of my latest phrases about my STGX is he's "the gift that just keeps giving and giving" sarcastically of course!

JK,
   You don't have to apologize to me; in fact, you already said on this forum that hearing from more wives of men who decided they were transgendered had opened your eyes.  I wasn't trying to blame you, just trying to point out that you have some of the same "see the best in people" as your sister.  I took those initial comments of yours hard, I think, because after 18 months of living in my husband's closet I had just recently come on to the forum, and was feeling vulnerable and sensitive to criticism, probably because I, too, was internally accusing myself of "not being understanding enough." As you say, the internalized pressure we feel to put others first (a form of "seeing the good in people") and give them the benefit of the doubt even when the facts show they don't deserve it is both "a leaned response" and "absurd."  And it's one I, too, am working hard to unlearn.
  Here's a take on your sister's behavior that may or may not feel right to you. Perhaps your divorce, which is a stepping away from an unhealthy version of "trying to see the good in others," feels threatening to your sister, even though she may not realize that consciously.  She sees you changing, and families, I have discovered, don't like it when members step out of their designated roles or distance themselves from the family's values, because it challenges them and asks them to re-examine their own assumptions and behaviors (their coping mechanisms, even). In my family, I was designated "the helper" and "the fixer," and was trained by my mother through example and practice to sacrifice myself to others to my own detriment (my father expected this as his right as a man). As a result, self-sacrifice was how I acquired value, and I internalized this. I've worked hard to understand that I have value in and of myself, not just when I deny myself to sacrifice myself to others' needs. When I now decline to take on the helper's role, and assert myself and my own needs, they push back as if I have betrayed them.  I've upset the family dynamic.  Perhaps you have as well?
  Perhaps, too, your sister has spackled over a situation in her own life that she needed to confront, and did so in the spirit of "seeing the good" in someone; if that's the case, your clear sight and actions might very well feel threatening to her, because she's seeing that she has not been willing either to see clearly or act on what she's seen. We know how hard it is to act, how much bargaining and denial must take place, how much fear to be overcome, before we can act.  "Seeing the best in someone" can work to keep us stuck in bad situations; it can excuse bad behavior, while masquerading as a good (because it's good, isn't it, to see the good in others?).  Maybe she's pushing away some realizations about actions of her own that she either didn't take or took, some situations in which she held her tongue when she was in the right, and realizing that "seeing the good in others" wasn't at those moments doing her any favors, wasn't serving her interest, or the interests of the truth. (And that her interest might have been at odds with someone else's!)  That could be threatening and frightening. 
  Don't I remember that you said you were the only one in your family to divorce?  If I remember that correctly, then in divorcing your husband you have presented your family with a challenge; if divorce in your family is "out of the question" or "unthinkable," then perhaps she is grappling with the cognitive dissonance your actions present her with: she loves you, she knows you, you are her sister; but you have done something in divorcing that asks her to rethink divorce.  Perhaps there's a little family policing going on.  
    You are right to push back against if, if so.  Your sister is playing right into your ex-husband's hands; he says "You're pushing me away," rather than realizing his actions are what are responsible for the situation he's in; your sister says "I like him" as if you have done something to him, instead of seeing that it is his actions that are responsible--both of them are putting onto you the responsibility--in his case, for his actions, in your sister's, for your not being "understanding" enough, when in each case the responsibility lies elsewhere, with your ex.  I imagine your response about the rapist gave her something to think about, and, I hope, some insight into your situation. Your response was spot on.
  I wonder what might happen if you sat your sister down and put your case to her as if it were her own marriage: a kind of "Imagine if your husband..." scenario.  I have found that when people imagine things as if they were happening to them, they are more able to understand your experience afterwards.
  Just my thoughts...(and believe me, I can see how they might be construed as a form of "seeing her side," but I'm offering them not to excuse your sister or challenge your ideas, but in hopes they might apply and lead to some clarity or insight for you).  Because after all, she's going to be your sister.  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 11, 2017 7:23 am)

Rob,
 Your ex is just angry because she doesn't want to pay the "opportunity costs" for her actions and decision.  She wanted it all, for no price, and is taking out on you her frustration she can't have it.  I mean, after all, the culture tells her how heroic her actions, and her coming out is supposed to come with all sorts of "kibbles" (ego gratification and other rewards). And now....she feels cheated...ah, poor baby.
 Seriously, I hope you are taking some satisfaction in having frustrated her!  Now she gets to live with the consequences of her actions, and if she doesn't like them, too bad for her.  

Kel,  thanks I will keep that in my bag of responses...asshat and work it out with the kids and tell them you can't make it in time.    I'm away from the entitlement.. 

OOHC,   I paid the price of her frustration for 2 years as we divorced and her fairytale exit didn't work out.
That explains a lot of the rage I got...I put up my boundaries and like a stoic soldier I faced the bullets.  No..even if I wanted to give her everything my lawyer would not.  My lawyer  was not afraid of her...but then only I had to live with her raging.   I survived..  but I have a lot of PTSD now..it all comes back to me.  

Ok this week as there has been no contact..
 

Hi Duped,

You have to get serious about asking yourself honestly if you truly think that things will realistically work out with your ex.  And I don't mean, "Will work if he changes who he is", or "Will work if I give up what I need/want", or even, "Will work if I have faith that God/the Universe can make anything possible".  I mean, "Do you actually see this realistically changing enough for you to be happy, excited and fully trusting?  If not, walk away already.  The next time you find yourself wanting to go back to revisit the relationship, you would tell yourself that you've already come to accept that this isn't going to work for both of you.  In which case getting him to re-engage with you is just prolonging the pain and making both of you more confused.

If you think that yes - you can realistically see things working out for both of you to be happy, then figure out what you'd both need to do to make that happen.  Maybe it means complete honesty - including open access to each other's social media and email accounts as well as tools be put into place to trace keystrokes and tracking devices.  If your husband is not willing to do these things, it's not enough.  STOP thinking that what you need is to start taking him at his word.  His word has proven to be lies - you have no reason to trust him without PLENTY of proof, for a looooong time.  If he balks at this, then he's got NO.INTENTION of doing anything except hiding his actions better.

If you think that MAYBE things can get better to the point where you could both be happy, figure out if it's a yes or a no - maybe just means you're still hoping, but without a truth behind it.

Don't beat yourself up over what's happened.  But do decide that you need to make a decision and follow through with it - no matter how difficult it is - so long as it's what's best for you.  You deserve doing what's best for you - not what's easiest.

Kel