I think you're likely correct about being men and women being wired differently and therefore different things hurt us the most.

When I was married, I never had any inkling that my spouse was cheating on me or in love with someone else.  Looking back, I think both of those things happened.  I remember being very confused at that time, but didn't figure it all out until about 10 years after the fact.  I was more upset with myself for not putting 2 and 2 together way back then.  But it didn't hurt very much when I figured it out because I was long over the whole thing and had moved on and was in love again.

For me, the thing I was most angry about (and held him most responsible for) was deciding to let ME handle the fallout of him being gay (within our marriage) vs. him dealing with the fallout himself, like he should have.  In my mind, he couldn't handle coming out, so he didn't.  But then all the problems came out within our marriage, and he let me carry those.  He threw me under the bus to save himself.  That wasn't right.  It was the coward's way out.  Don't deal with people thinking you're gay - let your loving wife deal with thinking the problem is that she's not attractive, or sexy, or interesting enough to capture your attention.  Feed MY self esteem to the wolves because you can't handle who you are.  You stood on my back to get to the high branch - you should have been lifting me up to it.

Yes, finding a new spouse helps.  It's not them being a spouse that helps - it's finding someone who loves you for who you are - and doesn't want to be with anyone else.  It's like a thick balm.  You cannot grieve for your old dog when there is a puppy licking your face.  At the very least you will smile through your tears.  It's not that a new spouse fills the hole - it's that it's hard to be sad while you're being happy.  And when you find someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself and treats you accordingly (and whom you very much like back), that old hurt just starts to peel off like an old sunburn.

Old pain doesn't linger so much as it scars over.  And it can make for challenges in your relationship.  For my current dh and I, we find that we have the most difficult areas where our scars are the opposite of each others, and they cause behavior that's not easily understood.  I'll give you an example.  I had terrible money problems with my ex - mostly because he was always getting fired or quitting.  And every time, he'd tell me that "it's going to be okay".  I'd ask how.  He'd tell me to have faith.  It was NEVER - not ONCE - okay.  So now when this husband tells me that we're going to do something (buy a house, a car, take a vacation) and I want to see the map.  And he'll lay out 8/10ths of a plan, and say that the rest will figure it out as we go.  And then he says it - "have some faith in me, Hon.  I won't lead you astray".  And I feel like running from the room. If I look at the fact that I've been disappointed a thousand times before, I don't want to move forward. But if I look at HIS track record, it's flawless.

Meanwhile, he often embarks on plans on his own, because his former spouse didn't want to hear of his plans.  They were silly or overblown or not reasonable.  So he will be stashing money away in an envelope toward getting us a new washer and dryer, and I'll have NO.IDEA.  So when he says "Have some faith", all I see is that the bank account isn't up to par to have faith that we can get a new washer and dryer.  My scars make it difficult for me to believe without seeing.  His scars make it difficult to be transparent.  The two together do NOT work.  So I promise to be more full of faith if he can just lay out all his cards.

These kinds of scars can form from any prior relationship, though - it has nothing to do with the gay thing in particular.  The only thing that's cropped up before from that were times when I've wanted sex and he hasn't - it's very difficult for me not to feel rejected in that moment.  Here I handled rejection every day for a decade and a half, but now I can't handle it once.  Weird.  But he knows this about me.  He'll say, "Hon, I'd LOVE to be able to do this with you now, but I'm soooo tired that I just can't.  Tomorrow, though?"  And all the rejection goes away.  And then I make sure to hit him up much earlier the next night (I wait too late - midnight).  And all is well.

Kel

I agree with the men versus women phoenix, physical versus emotional.

I was deprived emotionally for so long in my marriage that when he was outed it just all made sense, I'm almost 18mths post TGT but his cheating had started 25 years prior to that, there was never an emotional connection with anyone for him, it was all just physical. When I asked about the vows and commitments we made to each other I just got a snort and he pulled a grimace as if I had two heads to even mention that!!

Given the life he lived and how he was outed and what the fallout has been since then the biggest hurt for me is the throwing me under the bus to garner support for himself, placing the blame on me, showing his true narcissism. And I must say his family's behaviour in the last 18 months is appalling, people whose lives I was a part of for 30+ years had just dismissed me so casually and callously, they've managed to do this to my children also and they're blood - it's appalling to witness from people who are so all about FAMILY!!! 

In the past few days I've learned of things that they've said about me and my family over the last few months and it's so hurtful, it's so insular and deluded. They're a family that can live with anything once they twist it to justify it to themselves and then that's their reality. The parents justified everything the children did growing up to make it easier to live with and now the children as adults do the same and it's all lovely, they're this great little happy family that's so f*cking perfect in their own delusion, but they're not my monkeys anymore, they can party on in their own little freak show of a circus. 

My STBX has distanced himself from two of our children and again this is unbelievable to witness, he said he lived this life to protect the children, to wait until the children were adults and could deal with it - wasn't that so thoughtful and generous of him?!!!! NOT! Now that two of them have issues with how he's handled himself post TGT he's not bothered. It's my bitterness has turned them against him! How he can live with himself and look in his mirror every day is beyond me. Actually how he looked at himself for the previous 25 years is beyond me too but he did and he can! He's in his teenager phase, it's all about him and he's the only victim here, himself and his mother (she's a victim too btw) LOL it'd be funny if it wasn't so f-ing ridiculous.

This has turned into a right rant!

All the questions you've posed phoenix apply to me but how he's behaved in the aftermath of TGT trumps it for me, that takes the biscuit big time. The narcissism is the one I didn't see all the previous years and now it's loud and proud I wonder how I missed it! FOOL ME!!!

Last edited by Foolme (April 11, 2017 6:04 am)

I found this excerpt that someone wrote online that really struck a chord
D

"I was abjectly and repeatedly sexually rejected by my ex-husband, in the most intimate way a person can be rejected. But I had no idea why. I intuited that he might be gay; I even prayed that he was, because it would have explained the soul crushing rejection. I asked him on different occasions; he always denied it. He left me to guess, to ruminate, to wander in a desert with no answers, to live in an ether of doubt and questioning. And he left me to conclude I was the problem. My body image suffered, my self-esteem collapsed, my soul was damaged, my trust obliterated. I was devastated not to feel desired by my own husband; I was devastated my own husband did not want my touch. My sexuality was a threat to him, a reminder of his own homosexuality, which he was desperately running from. So he had to shame my sexuality and shut it down."

Lisa4kids, I have saved that excerpt also."

And he left me to conclude I was the problem. My body image suffered, my self-esteem collapsed, my soul was damaged, my trust obliterated. I was devastated not to feel desired by my own husband; I was devastated my own husband did not want my touch. My sexuality was a threat to him, a reminder of his own homosexuality, which he was desperately running from. So he had to shame my sexuality and shut it down."

Phoenix, (and all)
I am 4 months post-disclosure.  We ( 5 kids and I) are still experiencing the emotional aftershocks.  He has moved out, and that helped a great deal.  Gaining my own power back is step by step. (Mostly baby steps!)  But each step is a celebrated victory.  I am slowly but surely reclaiming who I am.  Rebuilding on the ruins of my self-esteem. 

My children are amazing.  So much hurt.  A lot of my power is coming in the form of protecting them in the form of boundaries with their dad.  The older 3 want NOTHING to do with him (Dad made sure to tell the older 3 everything  and how it's all my fault), and the younger two are ok with him, and they miss him.  (The younger ones don't know about TGT yet, or his boyfriend.)  They all take a lot of extra TLC right now which is completely understandable.  There isn't much time, and certainly there is a deficit of energy left for myself and my own repair work.  I have a counselor for a few more weeks and she is always encouraging me to do something for myself.  I've started on a new project and that feels great.  I'll tell you all about that in another post.

So the hardest things to overcome are:
1.  My battered self-esteem (so lonely sometimes, I feel so pathetic!)  For me, I think the emotional and the physical are kind of mixed up together.  We had no physical relationship for years.  It hurt so much, I truly thought it was my fault. 
2.  He left me to pick up all the pieces.  Kids emotional health is in shambles.  Financially unstable.  House is a wreck and he still has stuff here!
3.  Dealing with the fact that he is with someone else has been a surprisingly difficult obstacle for me.  I really did love him.  Accepting that I was just plain old duped for 17 years is the harsh reality.  

So much more to say, but I'll try to say it another time.  You all help me so much.  I am already better than I was in November.  Just keep moving forward, but each step is hard won, as you all well know. 


 

Lake breeze it does feel like the ultimate betrayal.
I'm still seeking answers but I have some of those same feelings.  Hugs